


Kiss me slowly, I'm in a hurry

by Clairedeluna



Category: Harry Potter - Fandom, Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst with a Happy Ending, Baby Regulus Black, Comunication is important guys, Developing Friendships, Developing Relationship, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Smut, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Friends to Lovers, Gay Character, Gay Remus Lupin, Gay Sex, Gender Identity, Gender Roles, Genderfluid, Horny Sirius Black, Hurt/Comfort, Identity Issues, LGBTQ Character, LGBTQ Themes, LLF Comment Project, Long Live Feedback Comment Project, M/M, Marauders, Marauders Friendship (Harry Potter), Modern AU, Modern Marauders (Harry Potter), Nonbinary Character, Oblivious Remus Lupin, POV Queer Character, Pansexual Sirius Black, Queer Character, Queer Themes, Regulus Black Deserves Better, Regulus Black is a Good Sibling, Romance, Sex, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Smut, Trans Character, alternative universe, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-27
Updated: 2020-12-04
Packaged: 2021-03-07 23:00:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 24
Words: 58,255
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26685547
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Clairedeluna/pseuds/Clairedeluna
Summary: "But you wonder me. In a moment you are fire, rage, a strong gorgeous man. Pure sex and desire. And a second later you are this… dazzling creature, capable of leave me speechless with your gracefulness. Seriously, sometimes I'm afraid to touch you. You're… too delicate, too precious. Like an angel…” Remus saw a damp gleam at the corner of his eye and leaned in to kiss it. “So… ethereal.” He stroked his cheek gently, brushing their noses together. “But at the same time, tangible. Touchable.”Sirius lowered his gaze nervously and muttered. “Then… touch me.”AU outside the magic-verse in which the Marauders are a group of ordinary friends... Just kidding, a lot of shit happens.Wolfstar slowburn taking my fucking time to build strong relationships and developed characters. They deal with gender and sexuality, Queer and LGBT topics, as well as personal issues and life struggles. It has angst, fluff. Good amount of smut eventually, may I say...I'll post three new chapters every week!
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Marauders/Lily Evans Potter, Regulus Black/Peter Pettigrew, Regulus Black/Remus Lupin, Regulus Black/Sirius Black, Remus Lupin/Lily Evans Potter, Remus Lupin/Nymphadora Tonks, Sirius Black & Remus Lupin & Peter Pettigrew & James Potter, Sirius Black/Nymphadora Tonks, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 136
Kudos: 129





	1. We should do something about this

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Lupin, stop staring at the books for a minute or two, it won’t hurt you to live a little.” Sirius black-long hair fell to his cheeks and he ran a hand to his head to brush it away.  
> ...  
> “Fuck off, Black.” Remus expression remained unbothered as he forced himself to look anywhere but at Sirius’ body leaning on the fence.  
> ...  
> Remus allowed himself to glance at Sirius back for a moment, admiring his shape before looking away in annoyance. He had been one of his best friends for as long as he could remember. Charming, good to look at, and attractive as no one could deny him. He just exuded pheromones through every inch of his skin. But above all, he was straight, main reason why Remus always made a point not to look at him in that way.

Her friend looked mesmerized through her scarf at the field in front of them, paying little to none attention at their books and notes, laying on the bench. Remus rolled his eyes and tried to catch her attention for the fourth time that evening.

“Why did you ask me to help you with math if your plan was staring at them for the entire time?” Remus asked skeptical.

“C’mon, don’t be dramatic.” Lily tossed his hair. “I’m just admiring, I’ve missed him. You could do it too. Take a peek, there are some nice-looking guys on the field. It’s been ages since… you know. I’d think it’s time to move on.”

Remus felt a strange feeling in his stomach. “Yeah, about that. I’ve ahmmm… Actually, I’m kind of seeing someone.”

Lily head turned so quickly he thought she could have hurt her neck. “What? When? Who? When were you going to tell me?”

“Jesus Christ. Chill, woman. It’s not a big deal. It’s just been a couple of dates over the past weeks. We met… ahmmm… Well, that’s not important. The thing is, I haven’t told you because… I don’t know, well I’m telling you now.”

“Do they know? Why hasn’t James told me? I thought we told each other everything.” Lily mumbled in concern.

“They don’t know, haven’t told them yet. It’s complicated. And I would appreciate if you wouldn’t tell them either.” He gave her friend a pointing look. “D’you think you could manage without spilling everything to him?”

“Of course,” Lily assured him whit a dismissive wave. “We should finish this, and then you can tell me everything about this mysterious guy before they are finished.”

It took them a while to get back on track with the lesson, but Remus had enough patient to help the stupidest person in any subject, and it helped a lot that Lily was also clever-minded, only behind because of a fall cold she had the last week of October, that made her skip some classes.

They were almost finished when the guys ran towards them. James jumped the fence that separated the bench from the field and kissed his girlfriend in a long keep mouthful way that made Remus turn away uncomfortably. His eyes met Sirius’ for the first time that afternoon and he had a hard time trying not to stare at his bare skin when he talked to him, smiling widely. Why did he ALWAYS have to take off his shirt while training? It was almost November, for God's sake. _Ugh, show-off!_

“Lupin, stop staring at the books for a minute or two, it won’t hurt you to live a little.” Sirius black-long hair fell to his cheeks and he ran a hand to his head to brush it away.

“I was making time until you were done, helping Lily out with last lessons. Just hurry up and shower, I’m starving and Peter had texted me, he’s been waiting,” Remus said annoyed.

“Well, he could have come if he didn’t want to wait for us alone. Although, I guess he wouldn’t have enjoyed himself.” A wide cheeky smile danced on Sirius lips. “Have you, though?”

“Fuck off, Black.” Remus expression remained unbothered as he forced himself to look anywhere but at Sirius’ body leaning on the fence. “Take this slug to the shower. I’m getting sick.”

Sirius grabbed James by his ankle and pulled, making him lose his balance. All magic broken, he and Lily were finally not connected by their mouths and she led out a heavy sight while the boys walked to the locker room.

Remus allowed himself to glance at Sirius back for a moment, admiring his shape before looking away in annoyance. He had been one of his best friends for as long as he could remember. Charming, good to look at, and attractive as no one could deny him. He just exuded pheromones through every inch of his skin. But above all, he was straight, main reason why Remus always made a point not to look at him in _that way._

* * *

From afar, near the office of the school doorman they saw a couple of teenagers snugging near the lockers and lily made a cooing sound and suggested taking the other way to the parking lot, when they heard Filch’s rusty voice yelling at the young boys. The boys parted away and made a quick ran towards the entrance, probably embarrassed for being caught in the middle of it. But when the group crossed the gates as well, Remus heard the old cranky janitor rumbling and complaining, loud and clear.

“Filthy faggots. Who’d think they are? Right in front of my office.” Filch swept the dust around the bench, and it itself, making a spectacle of it, as if he was trying to get rid of their sin.

“The fuck?” Sirius mouthed, almost staring at the guy.

“C’mon, we’ll be late, mate.” James pulled his arm towards the parking lot.

“Have you heard that shit? Who does _he_ think he is?” Sirius frowned, still staring at the doors. “It doesn’t bother you or what?” he asked, looking at Remus again.

“Of course it does, but what do you want to do? Beat the janitor?” Remus gave him a peace-making smile and got on the car.

“Maybe,” Sirius mumbled, but he still got on the seat next to him.

He let it go for the next couple of hours at Peter’s huge house, but Remus knew he was like a dog with a bone and sooner or later he would go back to the matter and he didn’t want the attention. Of course he appreciated his friends’ support and acceptance, but he didn’t stand their pity.

As he feared, Sirius actually wanted to do something about it, and when they were tipsy enough he proposed to James to play a prank on the janitor is response. Lily was absolutely opposed to the idea and frowned at James when he told her he would do it anyway, but didn’t argue with him. Or at least not in front of them. Peter was shy by nature, the tiny boy with blonde straw hair and watery eyes was reluctant at first, but once James and Sirius were up to something he would always come around.

Remus, on the other side, was not so sure about the whole thing. The role he was supposed to play was apparently safe and wouldn’t give him any trouble, but he didn’t want his friends to put themselves in danger to defend him. Lily supported him on his reluctance and they stayed as a united front for the next week.

But Remus forgot just how pushy Sirius could be when he wanted something, and he kept bugging him all week, trying to convince him, until one afternoon Remus snapped at him at the library when he seated at his table, begging him to play his tiny part.

“But, why not?” Sirius asked, almost genuinely puzzled, Remus thought.

“Because It’s not worth it, he will keep being an asshole whether we do it or not, and I don’t want any of you getting in troubles for me,” Remus whispered furiously.

Sirius frowned. “D’you think we want to do it just for you? Dude, you’re not the only queer around. Think of the young boys on the bench. It’s not fair for them to be told there’s something wrong with them. And someone should teach him a lesson. It’ll be harmless, you know that. And we won’t get caught. I promise.”

Remus hesitated for a minute, not meeting Sirius puppy eyes, knowing it only made it worst for him. He finally gave up and agreed to meet him on the library on Friday, and Sirius gave him a bear hug that almost knocked him out of his chair.

“You won’t regret it.” Sirius grinned widely. “It’s gonna be totally awesome.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed the first chapter! I'll try to update daily or every two days.  
> Leave a comment if you liked it!


	2. Joke's on you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Moony, I know I don’t tell you this enough, but,” Sirius leaned back on the bike again. “You are the funniest guy I know.” He made a dramatic pause. “Don’t ever tell James. Anyway, I must be going, I have shit to prepare,” he said ominously, winking.  
>   
> Before he could start the engine Remus spoke again. “When are you picking me?”  
>   
> Sirius stared at him surprised. “Are you coming, then?”  
>   
> “You would be lost without me.”  
>   
> Sirius chewed a giggle. “I’ll text you tonight. Be ready.”

They didn’t speak to him about the specifics, he already knew his part and he played it well enough, Friday afternoon at the library. Remus was too nervous to concentrate on his book, glancing on his watch every now and then, waiting for the signal.

Around six o’clock, when they knew not so many people were still around at school, he saw Sirius head on the frame of the library, giving him the ‘ _go ahead’_ signal and disappearing again. Remus took no pride on what he did to achieve his goal, but at least he was dedicated once he had agreed to something. He took the whiteboard out of his pocked and worked his magic.

A large nosebleed began to flood his face and he spilled on the carpet, discreetly enough, the red liquid he had on his pocket for the special occasion. He made a fuss of the matter and caught the attention of the librarian, Ms Pince’s. She tried to stop Remus from staining the books around him, and once she had him under control, ran the hallway looking for the janitor to clean the mess.

Remus held his head back, pressing a tissue on his nose to stop the bleeding. Once the two adults were there, he made sure he entertained them long enough, almost faking fainting, waiting for the signal to let him know the job was done. After he used everything he could think of for them to stay with him, putting with Filch’s cursing for staining the carpet and an actual faint from Ms Pince when she saw one of the library books totally ruined, he heard giggles coming from the door and stared with daggers on his eyes at Sirius, wondering how much had he saw.

The guy came quickly to his salvation, dragging him and his belongings out of the library and promising to take him to the infirmary. He did no such thing, but he had the decency to apologize for not stepping in sooner, augmenting that he could not stop himself from laughing and it would have gave him away.

After telling him it all went well and James and Peter already went home, Sirius gave him a ride home on his motorcycle. Remus tried not to think too much about the contact going on, hoping it didn’t raise anything that could lead to an embarrassing situation between the two friends.

Remus got off the bike in front of his house, but stayed with Sirius for a while. He told him how the other guys had managed to get into the janitor’s office and stolen the keys to the school. After a few minutes, he turned off the engine and leaned on the leather seat more comfortably, giggling as Remus told him what he had missed at the library.

“Shit, the fake blood fooled me completely for a second, I was almost worried. That shit seemed real,” Sirius said smiling.

“Always put a little truth into a lie to make it believable, they say,” Remus answered carelessly.

“The fuck is that supposed to mean?” Sirius tilted his head in confusion.

“It wasn’t all fake.” Remus played with the straps on his helmet, speaking lightly. “I gave myself a nosebleed, actually.”

“What?” Sirius giggled. “How?”

“Chalk powder.” Remus said bluntly, shrugging his shoulders.

Sirius burst into laughter. A deep sound, almost like a dog’s bark. It had his eyes filled with tears and the sound was so contagious that soon Remus accompanied him on his joy. Once they had relaxed and Sirius wiped his eyes out, he smiled fondly at Remus, shaking his head softly.

“Moony, I know I don’t tell you this enough, but,” Sirius leaned back on the bike again. “You are the funniest guy I know.” He made a dramatic pause. “Don’t ever tell James. Anyway, I must be going, I have _shit to prepare,_ ” he said ominously, winking.

Before he could start the engine Remus spoke again. “When are you picking me?”

Sirius stared at him surprised. “Are you coming, then?”

“You would be lost without me.”

Sirius chewed a giggle. “I’ll text you tonight. Be ready.”

* * *

School at night was intimidating, the small windows casted large white shadows on the hallways as they walked carefully not to make any noise. They were not totally sure if they were completely alone at that time at night, but the job they had to do will be quick and easy done by three man. Nothing about it involved making any sort of noises that gave away their presence there, so they just had to be extra careful not to stumble with anything and walk cautiously.

Peter was once again the lookout for their mischief, being the smallest one, not easy to spot in the shadows. He was strategically pointed to be on the main stairs, looking out for any unwanted situation to prevent his friends right away.

They divided themselves all the hallways and therefore doors of the building, and James made his way into the upper level, disappearing on the dark. Before Remus could ask what he was supposed to do, Sirius took his wrist and lead the way.

They had a good time gluing the old used socks that the boys had collected to each doorknob. On the building. Remus was glad for the lack of light on the building once his face went red when Sirius rapidly took from his hand his own wanking sock, saying it belonged to the janitor’s office.

Once they were finished with the rest of the building Remus checked the group-chat they four shared for any input and led out a sight when James said he was done. They headed the front door and Sirius gave him the key chain for him to open Filch’s office, fishing on the pockets of his backpack, saying he had a special surprise he had not told anyone yet. Remus felt him standing very close behind him, supposing Sirius was, once again, being stupid.

“Stop being a jerk, Sirius.” He finally found the right key and the door opened for them.

But before he could turn around, Sirius approached him from behind and he felt the touch of something soft on his neck.

“Hey, Remus.” He felt Sirius breath on his ear, a shiver ran through his spine. “Blow me.”

Remus heart stopped for a second and then almost jumped out of his chest. He turned around to the other boy, trying to figure out what the hell was going on, only to discover Sirius playing with a huge black dildo on his ear.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?!” Remus shouted in a whisper.

Sirius was having troubles containing himself from laughing too loud. “Where should we glue it? On his seat would be ideal for the purpose, but wouldn’t it be funnier if we put it on the desk?”

“Do whatever the fuck you want, asshole.” Remus gave him a kick that only made him chuckle in laughs.

“’Think I’m gonna do both.” He fished his pocket and gave Remus a large object. “Here, get creative.”

Remus rolled his eyes at the bottle but said nothing. He covered with the sticky liquid all the pore surfaces he could think off, fearing it would evaporate on the flat ground overnight. He heard a metallic noise on his back, were Sirius already had glued the dildo to the desk and was now facing the chair.

“This is a fucking waste of good lube, you know?” Remus finally said, hiding half a smile and admitting only to himself that it was actually quite funny.

“I know. Pour some on the dildo, too. He will have to jerk it, trying to take it off,” Sirius said amused.

Remus turned around at the same time he heard the unmistakable sound of his friend shamelessly pissing on the janitor's chair.

“What the fuck are you doing?” Remus asked shocked.

“What does it look like?” Sirius pants, as well as his underwear, were halfway down his round thick ass. “It will be dry by tomorrow. He’s gonna seat on my piss without knowing it over the years, and years, and years…”

“You are a fucking dog, d’you know that?” Remus tried not to look at him, half disgusted at his pissing, and half enjoying it all at once. “Did you had to do that while I was still here? You could have gave me a heads up.”

“Like if you had never seen a dick before,” Sirius teased him, turning his chest and head to glance at him with a smirk.

“Fuck you. I’m outta here. Let me know when you’re done.”

“ _’Key_. But first pour some lube on the dildo!” Sirius whispered insistent.

Remus took the opportunity to check again his messages, only to found out James had finished his part and was waiting for them outside. Peter was still on his location, reporting periodically. Remus texted them, saying it was almost done. He waited for a reply, or for Sirius to finish his job. When he walked out of the office, he had the decency to wipe his hands in a tissue. Remus locked the door again, hurrying him to go.

“That wanker has a packet of wet towels on his desk, can you believe it?” Sirius spoke casually. “In a fucking school. Fuckin perv. Speaking of, where is my sock?”

“How would I fucking know?” Remus tugged his shirt to hurry him with a weird sensation on his stomach.

“Relax, babe.” Sirius said gluing the doorknob and fishing the stupid sock. “Everything is under control.”

But not everything was under control. Not at all. Remus didn’t need to check his phone to know what was happening, judging by the incessant hum on his pocket. Without any ceremony he clasped Sirius hand and pulled him away from the janitor’s office, trying to walk as quickly and silently as possible. He saw a dark spot on the hallway, between two lines of lockers, and pushed Sirius against the wall as he checked his messages in silence, shushing the other guy.

“What are we doing here, Remus?” Sirius whispered haltingly.

He paid no attention to his faltering voice. “Someone’s here. I’m telling Pete to get out. James is out too. We are on our own.”

He shoved the phone back on his pocket, and only then noticed how close they were standing. Remus took his hand from Sirius chest, were he had forgotten in was, pushing him to the wall, and stood beside him instead, hidden by the shadow of the lockers.

Sirius was, for once, completely still and silent, and Remus tried to think of an exit that didn’t involve the front door, the only door they had left open and, also, the only door they could not use because it was next to the Janitor’s office and, of course, the noise he was hearing was the limping walk of Mr Filch. Sirius whispered something to his ear, but Remus asked him to shut up. When he glanced at his friend he discovered horrified that he was giggling in anticipation, probably thinking about what the janitor was about to discover on his office.

“I’m sorry. I’ll be silent. But you have to admit this is awesome.” Sirius tried containing his laugh.

“What is? Getting caught?” Remus could hear the key on the lock and the gasping sound the Janitor made when he turned on the lights.

“No! Hearing his reaction, first hand!”

“I don’t know, maybe.”

“God, I can’t wait for him to touch the dildo. C’mon, admit it.” Sirius tried to hide his giggles again, leaning on his shoulder.

“Ok. It’s funny. But chill, ok?”

“Yeah ok.” Sirius remained silent breathing on his shoulder, maybe thirty seconds before they heard the janitor swear and yell. “Remus!”

“I know.” Remus tugged his shirt to keep him steady.

They both heard his voice, clearly this time. “FUCK! I HATE CHILDREN!”

“Fuck! Remus!” The giggling began again, uncontrollably this time.

“I know! Shut up!” Remus desperately whispered.

He placed his hand on Sirius mouth as strongly as he could, feeling how the tittering giggles resumed. He closed his eyes for a minute, trying to hear Filch again. When he opened his eyes again Sirius was staring at him, a few inches away, breathing on his palm. Remus mouthed for him to be quiet and Sirius gave him a slow nod. He dropped his hand.

He was suddenly self-conscious of how much entangled they were. Somehow Sirius hands were in his chest, and Remus was still nudging his shirt. They had their legs entangled into one another so close Remus had to focus his mind in the janitor for not getting hard. He looked away from Sirius’ grey eyes and into the hallway, daring to peek on the office. He concentrated on the old man walking inside and the phone cord he held, and knew it was their chance for an escape.

He gestured to his friend, but Sirius didn’t move away, leaning forward.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uuuuuuuh this is getting interesting :___)
> 
> Ps: in case you were wondering, YES, Remus poured some lube on the dildo. (Wow, this sounds weird out of context)


	3. Wait, WHAT?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Your loss.” _Shit. Well, it’s just teasing, teasing is still fine, isn’t it? Maybe level it a bit._ “We’ll miss you.” _Maybe not that much?_
> 
> “Of course you will. You can’t live without me.” Remus had half a smile on his face.
> 
> “I’ve managed for eighteen years, I think I can do a little longer,” Sirius spoke more relaxed.
> 
> “May I remind you that without me you would be sleeping in a cell tonight?” The teasing tone on his voice made him realize he was being paranoid and Remus was fine.
> 
> A smirk danced on Sirius smile. “You don’t know that. We don’t know what could have happen.”
> 
> Remus blinked, hesitating for a second. “You’re an asshole. Get the fuck out of my porch.”
> 
> “Good night.”
> 
> He gave him the finger by all response, but before Remus shut his door close, he clearly heard him say “Good night.”

Sirius had his head buried in Remus’ shoulder, away from his head, stopping himself from doing anything stupid. He lingered a few seconds, breathing the other man scent. He could taste the citrus of his shampoo and the flowery scent of his detergent on his clothes. A well-known sweetness reached his nose and Sirius was glad he couldn’t see the smile on his face, something he knew way too well but only could be described as _Remus_. He closed his eyes, gaining the courage for what he needed to do now.

“Which way?” Sirius asked, letting out half a sigh.

Remus stayed still a moment before gently pushing him away. “Back hallway. Locker rooms.”

He had always been the smartest among them. They ran as fast as they could manage without making noises. He didn’t grab his wrist or hand this time, but they remained close enough. When they arrived to the door that lead to the field, Remus tried to pull the key with shaking hands. Sirius took the key chain and opened the door, closing it after they got out.

They ran faster than wind through the field, finally away from the danger of being caught, but they didn’t stop running for several minutes, until they reached _Her_ , parked a few streets away from the building.

“Ok, let’s go.” Sirius offered him the helmet.

“Wait. Where?” Remus seemed reluctant, and he feared he had scared him in the hallway.

Sirius bite his tongue before speaking. “Where do you think? James’. They will want to hear the whole story! There’s a bottle of whiskey with your name on it.”

“I don’t think so. I’m tired, it’s late.”

Sirius knew better than trying to convince him. “A’right. Hop in, I’ll take you home.”

Sirius kept glancing on the mirror trying to catch Remus’ sight to make sure he wasn’t being paranoid about it, but the only thing his friend did was clung on his leather jacket and stay steady on the back of the bike.

Once they arrived to Remus’ home, he didn’t try returning the helmet. A good sign, Sirius hoped. The truth was, he didn’t like having people seated on the back of his lady. Pete had always been scared of her, and James drove his own car. As for Lily, _apparently_ James didn’t want her breasts to squish his back in every stop, so she _implicitly_ couldn’t ride with him. Sirius thought it was plain shit, but he was glad to have Remus’ as his only permanent passenger, so he had his own helmet. It even had his own tiny moon sticker.

“Are you all right?” Sirius tried to sound as if nothing had happened.

Remus shook his head, apparently non-bothered. “Yeah.”

“Sure you don’t wanna come?” Sirius knew it didn’t sound as breezy and careless as he originally intended.

“I’m just tired and I have plans tomorrow. But have one for me.” He walked away.

“Your loss.” _Shit. Well, it’s just teasing, teasing is still fine, isn’t it? Maybe level it a bit._ “We’ll miss you.” _Maybe not that much?_

“Of course you will. You can’t live without me.” Remus had half a smile on his face.

“I’ve managed for eighteen years, I think I can do a little longer,” Sirius spoke more relaxed.

“May I remind you that without me you would be sleeping in a cell tonight?” The teasing tone on his voice made him realize he was being paranoid and Remus was fine.

A smirk danced on Sirius smile. “You don’t know that. We don’t know what could have happen.”

Remus blinked, hesitating for a second. “You’re an asshole. Get the fuck out of my porch.”

“Good night.”

He gave him the finger by all response, but before Remus shut his door close, he clearly heard him say “Good night.”

James, Sirius and Peter got hammered that night, mostly entertained by Sirius when he described Filch reaction and what they did on his office, because it had been a surprise from Sirius. He told them everything, even the laugh attack he suffered and how they almost got caught but Remus put an end to it.

He saw no point on hiding any of it, it was nothing to be worried about. Absolutely nothing happened. Remus was chill about them being a little close for a minute in an estrange situation, and Sirius would _never_ make a move on his best friend, so he had nothing to worry about. He didn’t even like Remus _that way_ , anyway.

* * *

Monday morning, by the lockers, Sirius overhead a conversation two of his friends were having. He didn’t mean to spy on them, he was only grabbing his history book and they didn’t notice him there, smiling to himself.

“So, how was your weekend?” the redhead asked with a cheesy tone.

“All right, I guess. Nothing out of the ordinary.” He clearly tried to wash her off without saying too much, but Remus’ voice was soft and sweet.

“Why wouldn’t you give me any details?”

“A gentleman doesn’t kiss and tell.” He spoke calmly.

“So you _have_ kissed. Right?” No answer. “That much you could tell me, you know.” Lily was starting to sound desperate for information.

Remus didn’t respond to it, but he could hear giggles on Lily’s voice. _Wait a minute. That didn’t make any sense._ Sirius turned around and towards them, heading to class.

“C’mooooon! Why? Just give me a name? Who’s this mystery guy?” Lily kept asking, bugging Remus’ arm.

“Hey.” Sirius greeted them with a smile. “Hurry up or you’ll be late for class.”

“I didn’t take you for a history lover,” Remus teased him.

“Oh, but I am a good history lover. Such good. Maybe it has nothing to do with history, but I’m good.” Sirius teased back.

Lily rolled her eyes and walked between them. “This isn’t over,” she said looking at Remus before they entered the classroom.

Later that day, at lunch time, she kept bugging Remus in whispers and it began to make Sirius uncomfortable to the point he was about to stand up and leave so they could talk about whatever nonsense Remus had told her about the weekend. Nothing actually happened and yes, maybe they had a little bit of a moment there, but it wasn’t like nothing was ever going to happen between them. Sirius didn’t like Remus in that way.

“Hey Lils, how was your weekend?” Sirius asked her, hoping it would change the subject.

“Great. I volunteered at the shelter. Yours?”

“Normal. Boring, actually.”

“Yeah right.” Peter said

“He’s being humble,” said James, giving him an appreciative look.

“He and Remus did a great job, right?” Pete said, then watched over Remus. “By the way, why didn’t you came afterwards to James’ garage? We missed you.”

“Oh, I was tired. I had plans with my mom the next day.”

Lily coughed, staring at him. They exchanged a silent conversation until Remus whispered to her. “Not now.” But the guys cached on that part and were not having it.

“What.” Sirius asked puzzled.

“Nothing.” Remus said quickly.

“Is there something you are not telling us, Rems?” James asked.

Remus stared at his meal and bite his lip before speaking. “Ok, all right. I had a date.”

“What?” Sirius asked again.

“Hey, good for you man,” James said, patting his back.

“How long have you been dating? Do we know him?” Peter asked, clearly happy for his friend.

Remus looked uncomfortable before talking, and Sirius might have imagined he glanced of him. “A couple weeks. Three, maybe four.”

“Wha--” Sirius stopped himself for asking the same stupid question for the third time. “Four weeks?”

“Why haven’t we meet this guy yet?” James asked.

“It’s nothing serious, we’re taking things slow.”

“That’s all right,” James said. “Wait a minute, did you know about this? And you didn’t tell me?”

“He only told me last week and made my promise not to tell you. Specifically,” Lily defended herself.

“I’m happy for you, man. Why don’t you come to my party next weekend and we can all meet him?” Peter suggested.

“I don’t know. He’s shy,” Remus said.

“Come onnnn! We’ll be nice, right guys?” Lily glanced at them, raising an eyebrow.

They all agreed with her saying “Yeah!” and “Of course!” and Sirius even managed to pull out a convincing “Sure,” before smiling at him.

“Ok, ok, I’ll invite him. But I don’t know if he would want to come,” Remus finally gave up.

Lily and Peter kept asking him questions about him, but Remus didn’t told them anything else, arguing that this person was very shy and that he didn’t want to talk about it anymore. James urged them to drop it and they all returned to their usual conversation.

Sirius didn’t engage with them for the rest of the lunch time, only speaking when being spoke to. He wondered why he was being so stupid about the whole thing, when he should be relieved his friend didn’t have a crush on him. But somehow he felt… Disappointed? But he didn’t understand why.

Over the week he kept seeing Lily and Remus talking to one another away from the three of them, even seating alone at lunch time a couple times. He wondered if he was just concerned Remus could have a bad experience with the guy, as it happened last year. He didn’t want that to even happen again, he wanted all their friends to be happy.

But he has angry at Remus and Lily for leaving them alone so often to tell each other secrets, he admitted to himself that he was feeling left apart again. Sirius decided he wanted to know more about the guy, but Remus was reluctant to tell him anything about him, even his name was a mystery.

He started to get angry now, Remus was being unreasonable. Just because they had a moment so many days ago it didn’t mean anything. It actually felt like ages for Sirius since they had been pressed against one another, alone in the dark hallway, faces only inches apart. It meant nothing to Sirius, why didn’t Remus just tell him about the guy he has seeing?

No one else questioned why the three of them were eating lunch again by themselves, not even James complained for having her girlfriend away from him more than five minutes, something unique for them. Peter was entertained, probably playing a videogame on his phone again. Sirius glared at his other friend and finally spoke what he had been chewing for a week.

“Hey, has Lily told you anything about this guy Remus is dating?” Sirius asked.

“Nope.” James played with his black locks, distracted.

“Don’t you find just weird, the fact that we don’t know shit about the guy?”

James hesitated before answering. “Maybe a little. But we’ll meet him this weekend at Peter’s birthday, so, it doesn’t matter.”

“Doesn’t bother you that your girlfriend is spending all her time alone with Remus now? They won’t even have lunch with us anymore,” Sirius complained.

“No, we spend plenty of time together,” said James with a grin. “Dude, are you jealous or something?”

“What? No!” Sirius frowned. “And what if I am? He’s our friend. I want to know about his life as much as Lily. Why can’t he talk with us the same way he talks with her?”

“You know why.”

“I sure don’t.”

James left his lunch alone and shifted on his seat, staring at Sirius with a cautious caring look on his dark face. “He doesn’t want to talk about his personal business with straight guys, that’s all. Maybe he feels more comfortable talking with Lily about some things. I guess.”

“But I’m not--.” The thought exasperated Sirius. “I’m not just a random straight guy, I’m his best friend. I just don’t want to repeat what happened last year.”

“I know, me neither.” James spoke frankly. “But you have to let people live and make their own mistakes. I let you make mistakes constantly.”

“Fuck off.” Sirius punched him in response. “I’ve told you, is nothing like that.”

“You shag every girl that crosses your path without hesitation, how would you call it then?”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Have you decided who will be the lucky one at Pete’s party? Is there a new one this week or are you still bunking with that blonde, whatever her name was this time?”

Sirius felt tempted to respond to him and shout his mouth, but thought twice and opted to leave early for class. He spent the rest of the week grumpy and jumpy at anyone, feeling a bit guilty for Peter, who had done nothing to deserve his bad mood.

The week ended and the day of the party arrived, but he wasn’t feeling up to the task. Not at the slightest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The shitty thing about slowburns is that they seem to take forever. This is going to happen, I fucking swear, but until then what we have is character development and well-established relationships :___)  
> I promise, it's fucking worth it. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)


	4. A party is supposed to be fun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Let the party begin !!**
> 
> I've decided I'm going to insert some music at some chapters, specially those in which there is explicit music. And since this is a party, yeah, there's music on the background.  
>  The first song fits more with what happens in the first POV, maybe a little in the second part, too. The second song, Fashion Drunk, is a fucking classic and it plays in the third POV. Don't ask me why, it's obvious.
> 
> [Stromae - Alors on danse](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHoT4N43jK8)
> 
> [Fashion Drunk - Otis Stacks](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VjAKeduaURc&list=LL_nM3TQxP331qUJl0erIsDQ)

[Stromae - Alors on danse](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHoT4N43jK8)

Saturday night, the bass sounded loud on the stereos on Peter’s large living room on the first floor. Rare as it could sound, he was one of the most popular boys at school and everyone they knew was at this party. Not because he was the hot football captain, that was James. Or the charming, rich, handsome Sirius. Not even because he was one of the most intelligent students of the state, Remus was the guilty one.

No, it had nothing to do with it.

He simply was a good person. Of course, he had money, anyone could know that, judging by the length of his parents’ house. But he never bragged about it and people often forgot about it as soon as his easygoing personality appeared. Despite his height and weak complexion he had a _je ne sais quoi_ , maybe it had to do with his softness.

You could say he was cute. Sirius would never admit this to anyone with blood in their veins, but he had a crush on him when they were kids. It lasted less than three weeks, at summer camp, until Peter had his first kissing experience with a girl with brackets and freckles. He told all his friends about it, details included. Too much information.

When Sirius started to see Peter Pettigrew kind of cute he took it as a signal, he should stop drinking.

Sirius didn't care that his birthday had passed almost unnoticed two weeks ago, not doing a big event like Peter was doing. His family would never let him use the Black mansion for something so insignificant, and after all, Sirius had celebrated his eighteen birthday his own way, playing a prank on the fucking homophobic janitor. That, and a _liiiiiitle_ bit of the other thing, too. But that was another story. One that had no point thinking about it now.

“Shots! Birthday boy, give the people what they want!” James hoisted his little friend on his shoulders to the table on one side of the room, filled with all the booze they would need that night.

Frank fished him from behind and put him in the ground while James poured at least ten little glasses of tequila and hand them over. Lily and Alice made grimaces as they drunk, biting lemon slices right away. Sirius took one, two, maybe four shots before sticking his tongue outside his mouth and chewing a couple lemon slices to rinse the sensation off.

Sirius walked to the part of the room where people were dancing, not without any troubles, but nobody seemed to notice how drunk he actually was. It was easy for him, even when he didn’t want to pretend people usually saw in him what they expected to see, nothing else. Sometimes it felt like none of his friends knew him at all.

It was partially his fault, for keeping all his secrets for so long. But he couldn’t do anything about it. It wasn’t as easy as coming out. He remembered the struggles Remus had to deal with when he told everyone he was gay, and then he had everything on his side. All things considered, it went great. Sirius was definitely not gay, _not by any chance_.

Not because he didn’t like guys. No, he did. Well, he liked _some_ guys. But he also liked girls, too. And people in between, or outside that understanding. It would have been too complicated to explain to any of his friends, and years of males talking constantly about sex at the lockers room had taught him how different he was. He didn’t like the persons he had sex with for the same reasons the other guys did, judging by the comments they made about the female anatomy.

He started to feel dizzy because of all the people dancing too close around him. He noticed he had been standing still for minutes on the middle of the room, lost on his mind. He walked away, trying to avoid the sweaty bodies surrounding him as much as he could, still feeling light touches on his back, his arms, even his neck. A hand tugged the back of his trousers for a second before he could turn to see nobody.

Sirius left his body stumble on one of the sofas on the next room, a space more silent than the former, but still filled with loud noises. His friends talked cheerfully on a circle, some of them greeted him, he couldn’t distinguish whom but he responded to them seating straight as best as he could. Lily and Alice were playing a drinking game against Frank and James at the sofa in front of him. Penny was hugging Peter, probably wishing him a happy birthday. She turned and greeted Sirius, seating next to him.

“Hey, haven’t seen you in a while,” she said close to his face.

“Yeah. How’ve you been?” Sirius talked loudly.

“Good.” Penny placed her hand on his thig. “Better than you right now, anyway. How drunk are you?”

Sirius smiled playful. “Not as much as I can be.”

“You should pace a little.” Penny leaned close to him, talking quieter. “Do you want me to grab some water from the kitchen?”

“No, I’ll do it later. Thanks tho.”

“Are you all right?” Her breath felt warm, smelled like cherry vodka.

“Yeah I guess. Don’t worry.” He gave her a dismissive smile.

“Don’t be silly, of course I do.” She leaned closer, hugging his shoulders with her other hand. “I care about you, you know?”

“Do you?” Sirius buried his head on her neck in a hug. “ _Thas_ sweet. _Your_ sweet. Thanks, Penny.”

“Do you want to talk somewhere?” She said to his ear. “There’s too many people here.”

He broke the hug and shook his head. “Yeah, maybe later. I’m waiting for a friend.”

“Fine, I’ll leave you to it.” She got up and kissed his cheek before leaving. “Look for me later?”

“Thanks, you’re a good _frien_ , Penn.”

Time passed without a sign of them arriving to the party, Sirius was starting to believe they weren’t coming after all. He almost got up from the sofa to go fetch that water bottle on the kitchen with his name on it when Remus finally appeared through the door of the room, accompanied by a smaller boy, looking nervous.

Sirius watched over his heart-shaped face and short-spike hair as he greeted all his friends standing. He didn’t hear what they were saying, blood pulsed on his ears and his stomach started to ache a little, he didn’t dare to try standing. Sirius waved at them and yelled a greeting from the sofa, managing a smile when his sigh met a pair of dark twinkling eyes.

His friends talked cheerfully at the space surrounding him, seating on the sofas and seats, some of them at the carpet. Sirius tried to engage in the conversation as much as he could, but he slurred his speech, although no one seemed to notice. He remained silent a few minutes trying to focus his head on something to distract him from the clouds the alcohol gave him, finally deciding to get up.

It took him a while to find the kitchen, disoriented through the halls on the house, wondering if Peter’s parents had changed it recently. There weren’t many people on that side of the house, it was mostly silent, compared to the other rooms, and Sirius heard a high note on his ears when he drank half bottle outright. A pair of footsteps joined him and he turned to encounter a small boy seated on the worktop, bouncing his legs. _Tom_ he reminded himself. _Remus’ boyfriend_.

“Hey,” said Tom with a shy smile.

“Hey,” Sirius responded, placing a hand on the worktop to steady himself.

The small guy looked dubious as he spoke. “I’ve been meaning to talk to you.”

“Yeah, _whys_ that?” Sirius responded sharply.

Tom hesitated for a minute, biting his lower lip. “Remus talks a lot about you.”

“He’s never even mentioned you,” slurred Sirius. Something wasn’t right.

“He hasn’t told you… _Anything_?”

“Not a word.” Sirius gave him a measuring look, trying to figure him out. “What is your deal?”

“What do you mean?” Tom watched him with something close to concern on his bright eyes, not bouncing his feet anymore.

Sirius talked sharply and quick, slurring his speech. “I mean, _whats_ your problem? He never talks about you, there has to be something wrong ‘ _bout_ you.” He narrowed his eyes. “ _Thas_ weird. _Your_ weird.”

The boy stayed frozen for a minute, time that Sirius spent looking at him, trying to see beyond his act, to discover what he was missing about him. Before he could manage another inquiry, the guy jumped to the floor and left the kitchen, excusing himself briefly without looking at Sirius.

He took the bottle and made his way back to the room where his friends were, no signs of Remus or Tom. Sirius drank the rest of the water and placed the empty bottle on one of the paper bags around the house, filled with empty red glasses.

Sirius seated among his friends for a while, he distinguished James and Peter playing a card game on the floor with some estrangers, laughing loudly. Shooting his eyes close for a brief period of time, trying to remember what time it was or where have he been, or if he had been on the sofa for hours. His mind was starting to fail him when he felt a hand tugging his shirt.

He opened his eyes, dizzy, suddenly standing again against an angry pair of green eyes. He steadied himself grabbing Remus’ arm, trying to focus his sight to the sudden light.

“What’s up?” Sirius asked him.

“What the hell is your problem?” Remus yelled, shaking him with a strong arm.

“ _Dunno watchu_ talking ‘ _bout_.” Sirius tried getting away from the other hand on his neck, rustling. “Hey!”

“You’re a fucking asshole, Black.” Remus pushed him hard, making him fail into the sofa. “Stay away from me.” A menacing finger pointed him before his friend disappeared through the mass of people.

“What the fuck was _dat_?” Sirius asked to nobody in particular.

He got up again, sobering up by the unexpected experience. He tried to make some sense of what just had happen, stumbling with Frank and Lily and asking them. He walked away before he could ask about what happened once they told them they hadn’t seen Remus. Sirius saw Alice and Penny again and asked the same to them, resting his heavy head in the wall in defeat.

“Are you all right?” Penny asked him, patting his arm.

“No. I want to get out of here.” Sirius leaned forward, searching for his friend with his blurry eyes.

“Do you want to talk?” she asked on his ear.

“Yeah, please.” Sirius whispered on her ear, with tired voice.

* * *

“He did _what!_?” James face was filled in disbelief. “Did you knew about this?”

“James, not now, ok?” Lily cut him before he started.

“I think he went upstairs with Penny, not so long ago.” Alice said dubiously. “He asked about you, though.”

“I can’t believe he did that, Remus. I’m fucking sorry.” James looked at him with concerned eyes, apologizing to him.

“For what is worth, I think he’s pretty drunk.” Peter spoke avoiding to look at anyone in particular. “Maybe he didn’t know what he was saying, or didn’t notice.”

Frank laughed bitter. “Peter, please! It was obvious.”

“Hey!” Remus got defensive.

“I don’t mean anything by it, dude.” Frank raised his arms in a pacifying gesture. “I’m just saying, we all noticed right away. It’s cool.”

“I didn’t. James had to tell me,” Peter pointed out.

James nodded vaguely, confirming what his friend said. “Even so, Remus, I’m really, _really_ sorry.” He knew he was. James looked devastated like if his own brother had killed someone. “Is there anything I – we can do?”

“Thanks man. Means a lot.” Remus gave him half a hug before speaking to the group. “Has anyone of you seen Tom?”

Peter frowned and got up from the floor, staring at his hands. “He asked me to call a cab. I thought you knew, sorry.” Last words whispered.

“Fuck, Pete!” You could have said so earlier!” Remus left his friends and ran outside the house, looking everywhere.

He found him leaning against the garden gate, staring out at the road. Remus approached him slowly, making noise so he knew he wasn’t alone anymore. Tom wiped out some tears with the back of his hand before turning towards Remus.

“Are you leaving?” Remus asked scared.

“I don’t feel like staying anymore.” Tom was still looking at the road.

“I’m sorry.” Remus approached him, stopping himself from holding Tom’s hand when he noticed he wasn’t even looking at him. “Are you ok?”

“Let’s not talk about it now.”

“Hey, are you angry with me?” Remus stood in front of him, at arm length distance. “What have I done?”

“You didn’t told them anything about me?”

“It’s none of their business.” Remus explained carefully. “I told them I had a boyfriend and they would met you someday. Is not important.”

“It is for me,” Tom said bitter, frowning. “You didn’t even told _him_.”

Remus bite his lip. “I didn’t know what to say.”

Tom stared at his face, angry. “It’s not so difficult. Pretty simple, actually.”

“It’s… complicated, Tom”

“ _Tom_ ,” he said sarcastically. “Maybe you just didn’t want to.”

“What are you talking about?” Remus felt a heavy burden on his stomach.

“Are you ashamed or something?” Tom asked with his more vulnerable voice.

“God, no!” Remus tried to assure him. He tried to find kind words to comfort him, but everything he could think off didn’t seem right to say now. “Fuck…”

Tom stepped away from him. “Let’s not do this tonight.”

They stayed in awkward silence for two minutes, until the cab arrived and Tom closed the door, without looking at Remus when he tried to wish him good night.

* * *

[Fashion Drunk - Otis Stacks](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VjAKeduaURc&list=LL_nM3TQxP331qUJl0erIsDQ)

The light on Peter’s room was off, it was too bright and Sirius had started to feel his head spin, it was easier to lie down at the dark, with his foot on the ground to prevent him from feeling dry tides around him.

“We shouldn’t be here, this is Pete’s room.” Sirius moved his head away from the body pressing against his.

“You brought me here.” Penny kissed gently his collarbone. “Said you wanted to _talk_.”

Sirius didn’t know how to respond, his head was scattered. “I, hmm,” he sigh. “Penny…”

Sirius pushed a hand without strength somewhere between their bodies, looking for some space. She misunderstood his gesture and brought her own hand to the lower part of his chest, lowering towards his navel. Penny kissed his lips eager before he could say something and he felt his own arms fail numb to the mattress.

He felt a painful hardness on his groin, pressing his own clothes. She must have noticed, because her hand went wandering under the elastic on his underwear. He thanked himself for having decided to wear normal shorts that day. A pleasant sensation ran through his skin when he felt her hand on his cock, stroking him slowly, kissing his mouth, running her tongue on his lower lip.

“Stop,” Sirius managed to say against her mouth. “I can’t”

“This says otherways,” she said, pressing his cock.

Sirius turned his head, spinning. “Really, Penny. Stop.”

“What is the problem?” she stopped kissing him, pulling her hand away.

“I’m drunk, I can’t even move.” He felt his stomach churn. Tried to sit up, brushing the body over his.

Penny planted a kiss on his neck again. “It’s ok, you don’t have to.”

“No. I don’t want to.” Sirius barked, feeling a dying burp in his throat. “We talked about this. We’re over.”

“Why did you brought me here?” Penny stood up on the other side of the bed, not touching him anymore.

Sirius made an effort to reach the switch on the bedside table, almost throwing out the lamp. “You said we could talk.”

“Are you kidding me?” She got out of the bed, looking angry and disappointed.

Sirius held onto his ribs, closing his eyes in the blinding light, dreading the retching. “I’m sorry.”

He heard her walking away. “God, you are such a jerk!” she yelled before slamming the door.

He tried to avoid facing the blankets on the bed, but some of it ended up there, anyway. Most of it in the carpet. “ _F-fuck_ ,” he cough. A sharp pain crept up his legs, he had fallen to his knees. His throat burned, but he tried to get up. Hold onto something, hold his hair, but it was useless. He felt like passing out. His hands were stained, the smell only made him gag more and more. He closed his eyes and fell onto his side.

* * *

Peter entered his room at past midday, hoping to see his friend awake. He left some aspirins for the headache along with a glass of water on the bedside table and sat up on the blankets he had got out of the closet last night to cover the bare bed. He slowly touched Sirius shoulder, unsure.

“What?” he didn’t open his eyes, burring his head on the pillow.

“Thank god you’re alive,” Peter joked.

Sirius eyes opened widely and he got up so sudden it almost gave him a heart attack. “What the fuck?!”

He glanced at the room, processing his surroundings, holding onto the blankets raised to his chest, wrapping his body. His face was an enigma.

“Relax, take it easy. Here, for the headache.” He pointed to the bedside table.

Once he had swallowed the pills and drank the full glass, he spoke with sharp voice. “Why I am at your room? Where are my clothes? What the fuck, Pete?”

“I found you passed out in a puddle of vomit on my carpet. Everyone had left by then, I could hardly move you to the bed. What was I supposed to do?” Peter explained.

“Fuck, I’m sorry.” He held his head with both hands. “I can’t remember shit.”

“You don’t remember anything at all?”

“Pieces.” Sirius pressed his temple. “Shit. Tell me I wasn’t naked when you found me.”

“You were fully clothed and completely covered on your own vomit. I’m not proud, but yes. Your trouser and t-shirt are in the dryer.”

“Fuck, dude. Thanks.” He searched for the spot. “Sorry about the carpet. I’ll pay for it.”

“Don’t worry about it, I didn’t liked it anyways.” Pete hoped a joke would make this easy. “So, here’s the thing.”

“What is?”

“You don’t remember anything about last night, right?”

“Maybe, some of it. There was booze. I was at the kitchen, talking to someone, I think I knew her… Lily?” Sirius narrowed his eyes. “No.” He made another pause. “Remus pushed me,” he said, staring at the wall without giving away any emotion. “I don’t remember anything else. After.”

“Well, I guess I should tell you then.” Peter took a deep breath, seating with his legs crossed on the bed.

By the time he had finished explaining everything that happened that night, Sirius was speechless for five minutes. His expression didn’t give away any emotion until he spoke in a defeated voice.

“So, I guess everyone thinks I’m shit, right? Even James?” Sirius asked, staring at his hands.

“Erh… He was pretty mad, yeah.”

He had a cryptic smile on his face. “As they should.”

“I’m sorry,” Peter said.

Sirius shook his head, smiling. “Don’t be.”

“I didn’t notice either. They said it was obvious but it wasn’t, not for me at least. Isn’t that the point, though?”

“Yeah.” Sirius nodded vigorously. “I’ll fix this, don’t worry.” He stood up. “Thank you. For everything.”

“Don’t worry, you would do the same for me.” Peter got up and went to his drawers.

“No doubt,” Sirius said solemnly.

Peter gave him a large towel from his cabinet. “You should have a shower, your clothes must be dry by now. Use everything you need, you know where the bathroom is.”

“Thanks.” Sirius took the fabric and tilted his head. “Can I ask you one more thing, please?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any theory? HEHEHE. I tell you in advance that **no** , it is **not** what you are thinking.  
>  _But what if...?_  
>  No, it can't be.  
>  _Or... maybe?_  
>  Anyway, poor Sirius, everyone hates him. **BUT WHY**?


	5. Who are you?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, I've only held out for two days without updating the story. I couldn't resist. It is a short chapter, but very intense...
> 
> I've put in a song for the last part of the chapter that just goes perfectly with the vibe of the scene. I hope you enjoy reading as much as I did exploring these topics.

Sirius kept taking his phone out his pocket to check the clock on the screen, every now and then. He hadn’t gotten any message from any of his friends since the day before, he didn’t blame them for it. He knew trying to explain himself for how he behaved at the party with them had no point unless he fixed it first.

He was glad Peter had agreed to ask for Tom’s phone, giving him a chance to explain the huge misunderstanding. Somehow, the situation didn’t make him feel that bad, after all. All things consider, his friends’ response was the right one, it only gave him hope. He felt proud of their reaction, especially how James didn’t even hesitate to give him the cold shoulder for how he spoke to Tom, considering they were brothers and all.

The man he was waiting for entered through the front door. His short hair looked dark-purple upon the bright light of the café, and he had his nose pierced, something Sirius didn’t notice at the party. He stood up and waved at him pointing to the table, where the shorter man seated.

“Thanks for coming,” Sirius said right away with intention. “I’m gonna grab some coffee for me, what would you like? Don’t worry, my treat,” he said before Tom reached his wallet.

“Café Touba, if you don’t mind it,” Tom asked, making himself comfortable on his seat.

Sirius returned to the table, leaving the coffee with the scent of cloves and pepper in front of Tom and seated with him, placing his own beverage aside to focus at what he needed to do.

“I owe you an apology,” Sirius spoke quickly. “I didn’t mean what I said, or at least what you understood by it. I was rude, there’s no excuse for that. I have a temper. But I assure you I didn’t mean to say you were weird or a freak because you were transsexual. I had no idea, Remus never talked about you with me, and I was very, _very_ drunk and I didn’t notice. But even if I wasn’t drunk, I don’t care. Like, at all. Really.”

Tom gave him a wary look. “Well, thanks, I guess.”

“And I don’t remember what I said, exactly, or what I called you. I was drunk and angry.” Sirius shifted uncomfortable on his seat, finding the right words. “Remus is my best friend, and I don’t want to say too much because I don’t know how close you are or how much you know about his ex, but he had a bad experience last year and. I guess I’m over protective. I just don’t want that to happen ever again.”

“Okay… that’s nice of you.” Tom gave him half a smile.

“I know I was rude that night. I should have been, to upset you that much. And I don’t mean to be rude again, but I wouldn’t be fair if I treated you any different now that I know about your gender identity. It would be wrong if I don’t say this.” Sirius took a deep breath and spoke calmly and as polite as he could. “I have nothing against you, you maybe – probably – are great, and I hope you two get along well. But I have to let you know that, if you ever hurt my friend, you’re a dead man.”

Tom stared at him, seated across the table without answering to him, until he let out a snort and burst out laughing softly, making a sweet sound.

“What? What is so funny about that?” Sirius smiled back to him, confused.

“Nothing.” He assured him. “It’s just… Remus spoke so much about you that sometimes it felt like I’ve always known you. You are just as I imagined you. Maybe a little too much polite.”

“Hey, that was very difficult for me. Screw you!” Sirius said.

“Now. There it is,” Tom chuckled.

Tom stopped giggling soon, but both of them smiled in an understanding. Sirius decided he liked the guy right on the spot, and they continued talking even after finishing their beverages.

First they talked just about class and what college did they want to attend, as much as some embarrassing anecdotes about him and his friends Sirius hoped it was okay for him to share. Tom heard him talk like a child would attend to a very funny play, smiling at him most of the time.

Tom talked about how his parents moved away years ago when he came out and decided he wasn’t just a girl, and at some point when they left the café and went for a walk through a near park, he was comfortable enough to share more about his own gender identity. Sirius listened through it in silence and acceptance, but somehow distracted.

“Sorry, no offense.” Sirius broke up. “This has nothing to do about what you just told me, but I can’t help myself. There’s something weird, I don’t know what is. Is like… I don’t know.”

To his surprise, Tom didn’t seem bothered at all, smiling. “It’s ok, I know what you mean.”

“No! Is nothing about _that_! It’s like…” Sirius stared at the distance, gesturing with his hands. “Do you know when you are little and you lose a baby tooth? And your tongue keeps going to the gum because you notice that a piece is missing, and it is such a strange sensation, knowing that something is missing, something that you know perfectly? It's like I have the feeling that _I know_ , and I have it on the tip of my tongue but I can't process it.”

Tom closed his eyes a second. “Yes, I know the feeling. My mother still keeps my baby teeth in a little bronze box with the drawing of a jack rabbit.”

“That’s funny, my--” And suddenly it clicked. “Wait a minute.”

“It took you long enough, Sirius.” Tom smiled widely.

“Nym!?” Sirius shouted in disbelief.

“Oh wow, nobody has called me that since we were eight,” Tom laughed softly.

“You… Fuck!” Sirius pulled him in a close hug. “Why haven’t you said anything? I’m such an idiot!”

“It’s fine, cousin. I wanted to know how long it would take you to realize.” The smaller boy checked his watch. “Three hours, not bad.”

Sirius talked quickly, taking his hand. “My parent’s said you moved states! And you were next town, all this time?”

“It wasn’t easy, especially for my own parents, when all the family rejected what I was.” He began to explain, more serious this time. “They tried to hide it from the others when I was younger, but then I grew up and, you know.”

Sirius was starting to feel dizzy. “I think I need to seat down.”

They seated next to each other in a bench and Sirius’ cousin explained how things happened, and how thing _really happened_ , ten years ago.

“So, the true is, Sirius. I’m not exactly transgender. Actually, I’m not transgender at all. I was born like this, there’s a word for it now. They call it intersex.”

“What does it mean?” Sirius said puzzled.

“It means that a person was born with both, or somewhere in between,” Tom carefully explained.

“No, I know the definition. I want to know what does it mean _for you_. Are you a guy? Are you a girl? Have I been using the wrong pronouns all this time?”

“Thanks for asking those questions,” Tom said, smiling fondly. “I don’t know. I’m comfortable with both, and everything in between. I embraced it, instead of trying to fit in just one gender. You can call me Tom if you want, or Nym again, if you fancy. But you can call me just _little cousin_.” Tom gave him a squeeze in his hand.

“Tom… For Tonks? Oh, _now_ I get it,” Sirius laughed. “Can I call you Nymphadora then?” he asked with a grin.

“If you want to die young.” Tonks said smugly.

Sirius chuckled, remembering their childhood. “Please, give a hug to your parents for me.”

“Will do.” Tonks hesitated before asking. “What about you? Is there… something I should know?”

“You know, not really.” Sirius looked in the distance.

Tonks moved to meet his eyes again. “If there was something, Sirius, you know you could tell me, right?”

He said nothing, nervously biting his own lip. He just pulled his little cousin in his arms, crushing their bones in a bear hug.

* * *

[Cigarettes After Sex - Nothing's Gonna Hurt You Baby](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R2LQdh42neg)

Later at night, Sirius made sure to lock his bedroom door and took off his clothes, stacking them in the laundry basket. He looked at himself in the mirror standing on the wall, self-aware of his own nakedness.

His gaze swept over his smooth, clear, defined chest and arms. Male. He saw the reflection of his flaccid penis in the mirror, between two hairless legs, attached to a shallow hip. He tucked it between his thighs, turning slowly to look at his back and ass, contrasting his seemingly smooth crotch.

He touched his waist, smaller than his hips, admiring his skin and the warmth emanating from his own body. He opened the bottom drawer of his dresser, pulling out a plain black locked box. He bit his lip nervously looking at the contents of the box. Ignoring everything else, he pulled out his pajamas and a piece of underwear.

He returned to the mirror again, gazing at himself as he moved the black lingerie piece up his thighs, until it fitted perfectly on his body. He felt the characteristic arousal and warmth that he sometimes felt when his skin made contact with the fine silk. Blood flowed through his veins, pooling in the panties he was wearing.

He ignored the urge to touch himself, reaching for the soft, bright sky blue top piece of the pajamas. He slid it on his shoulders, pulling on his tank top. He pulled on the shorts matching his shirt, feeling his half-hard cock in the process. He spent a while just looking at himself in the mirror, brushing his long soft hair with his fingers.

He got into bed with the intention of sleeping, turning off all the lights. But tonight the fine fabric brushed against his skin, exciting him, encouraging him. He let his mind fly, still without touching himself, imagining that he was not alone, that there was another person at his side who accepted him still wearing those clothes, even if he wore makeup and waxed his entire body.

The person next to him had no gender, nor prejudice, just lips that kissed him, eyes that looked at him, hands that caressed him. Loving voice whispering secret words to him. He felt the arousal on his skin and couldn't help it any longer, brushing his chest with his fingertips, finding a nipple sensitive to the touch. He moaned softly, lowering another hand. He touched himself slowly, imagining the caresses of a lover.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, tell me. Is this what you expected after the last chapter? Be honest.  
> I know it's too short, but I'll upload the next one before you could say queer.
> 
> Please, if you like the story so far, leave me some feedback and make Sirius happy!


	6. And me? What am I?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Three important things before reading the chapter:
> 
> ~ I have made a few additions in previous chapters. They do not change anything about the plot and you do not have to go back to read them, basically they are aditions just to place the action in the time of year they live on. So, for you to not lose track, the story began practically the last week of October / first week of November. That means Sirius' eighteenth birthday occurred between chapters 1/2 (Peter Petigrew's birthday is not specified in the cannon, but Sagittarius seems to me like an astrological sign that fits him perfectly with the personality that I have given him in this AU).
> 
> ~ I have some disclaimers regarding the way of talking of the characters in this chapter, but nothing sensitive or triggering. Anyway, I'll explain it further in the note at the end to save spoilers. It will be better understood after reading the chapter.
> 
> ~ And last but not least. I'm proud to tell you that I'm very very up to date writing this story, so you can expect constant updates over the next few weeks / months" To this day I have written up to chapter 24 and have outlined the rest of the story, although I keep adding and adding as I write. This shit is infinite!
> 
> That's it. Without further ado, enjoy reading!

The penultimate week of November started bad enough for Remus, having to deal with his friends concerns about how things developed over the weekend. He had received messages of support from Lily over the Sunday, buy on Monday he couldn’t bring himself to explain everything to her.

He talked with Tom over the phone on Tuesday, asking how he was and if he wanted to meet him that week to talk over things and clear the air. He felt distant, but polite enough. Even so, he didn’t want to see Remus yet, and asked him for some time to _consider things_. It didn’t look good, but he told him he understood.

On Thursday he decided enough was enough and asked James to stop treating Sirius like a stranger and giving him the silent treatment. He explained vaguely what Tom said to him about Sirius apology, surprised Sirius himself didn’t tried to emend things with his best friends already. All things consider, even after welcoming him back to the group, Sirius kept quiet for a while and didn’t talk much, often staring at the distance.

Remus was surprised to find him seated on a table aside at the library, late Friday. He usually started early the weekends. There was something weird between them since a couple of weeks ago, and Remus hated the feeling of drifting far from his friend, but after he almost punched him at the party, he was ashamed of himself. He hesitated long enough before seating with him and distracting him from his book.

“Hello, stranger.” Remus smiled. “Are you lost?”

“No, just, catching up.” Sirius closed the book, speaking softly. “What’s up?”

“I was about to head home for the day and I saw you here. Is everything all right?”

“Yeah, everything in great,” Said Sirius, then waited a while before talking. “Did you knew? About Tonks?”

“Tom? What about him?”

“That Tonks is mi cousin. Well, their mother is my cousin, actually. But we were the same age growing up, so…”

“Yeah, he might have mentioned it sometime. I didn’t know you were close,” Remus said.

“We were, yeah.” Sirius nodded. “Tonks’ a catch, don’t let it go. Sirius Black seal of approval.”

Remus smiled sadly. “Thanks, I know. He’s a great guy.”

“And, about the other thing. How much do you know?”

“Everything. I try being supportive whit him about it,” Remus explained. “But sometimes I don’t get him. Is like he doesn’t know what he wants to do about it.”

“You should talk to Tonks, then.” Sirius glanced at the table. “Let them explain what they think instead of deciding they have to do something about anything.”

“I think I know my boyfriend well enough, thanks for the advice,” said Remus, getting defensive.

“Are you sure, though?”

“There’s something I thought I would never experience. A straight cisgender guy, giving me advices about my gay Trans boyfriend,” Remus said sarcastically.

Sirius hummed, clenching his jar. “Just… talk to Tonks.”

“He said you apologized to him,” Remus said dubiously. “Thank you for that.”

“Aham.”

“I’m not saying that I was expecting an apology too, but… I thought you would at least talk to me, after.”

Sirius chuckled bitter, looking at him. “Did you came here expecting me to apologize to you?”

“I don’t know. Maybe.” Remus frowned. “Why the fuck are you so angry with me? You have ignored me all week. What’s wrong with us?”

“Let me see.” Sirius gestured, raising one finger at a time. “First, you ignored me for weeks. Second, you didn’t told me (or any of the guys) about you being in a relationship for, how long already? Six weeks? Seven? Oh, let’s not forget about you almost punching me the other day, without giving me any room to explain myself. Which I did. With the person I was supposed to. So. Yeah.”

Remus felt warmth on his face. “I’m sorry about last weekend, or if I’ve been distant lately. But you have to understand, it’s difficult to talk about Tom as my boyfriend without giving too much details.”

“Let’s not get into that.” Sirius took his book and shove it on his backpack, before turning towards him again. “I was just worried about you. Ever since fucking Cardoc. That can’t happen again.” He had a concerned severe look on his smooth face. “I want you to be happy, and if Tonks makes you happy, then forgive me, but I want to know it, too.”

“Thanks.” Remus smiled, embarrassed. “Can we get back to normal, already? I hate this.”

“Yeah… me too,” said Sirius, staring away from him.

* * *

“Why I am here so early? I thought we were going out,” Sirius asked, seated on the end of the bed.

Tonks walked out the dressing closet, wearing a tight skirt and a blouse. “We are. Laters. I wanted to catch up while I get ready.”

Tonks seated on a dressing table and pulled out of a drawer a box with makeup, then started to paint their face with colors matching their skin tone and hair. A dark lipstick toured the curve of their lips, leaving them perfectly colored.

Sirius tilted his head. “That’s very…”

“Feminine? I know. Sometimes I like it. Do you want to try it?” Tonks offered him the bar.

“What? No!” Sirius felt his face turning red.

“Don’t worry, I have wet towels to wash your face before we go anywhere. My parents aren’t home, nobody’s gonna see, Sirius.”

He was unsure if he wanted to do that in front of her, they hadn’t done that together in ten years. “I don’t like that color. Looks good on you, though.”

“You’re right, let me just…” Tonks took another bar from the box. “Here, try this instead.”

“I don’t know…” Sirius said,

Tonks turned away, finishing their own makeup in front of the mirror. It didn’t take long before turning around and finding Sirius biting his lip embarrassed, watching the red lipstick.

“Let me.” Tonks took the bar from his hand and took his hand, leading him to seat in front of the dressing table. Then took his bar on their other hand and painted Sirius’ lips carefully.

“Thanks…” He said when it was finish, not looking in the mirror, but his own hands instead.

“What do you think? I think it looks great.” Tonks made him turn around and see his reflection.

The color was too fierce, he felt wrong about it immediately. Sirius shrugged his shoulders in response. He wiped his mouth on the back of his hand, making a mess on his face instead.

“Maybe a brighter color, more discreet.” Tonks had another lipstick bar and was already painting over his lips with it. “Do you like it better?”

When Sirius saw his reflection on the mirror, he liked what he found, blushing a little with a shy smile. “Yes…” he admitted in a whisper.

“You can keep it.” His cousin placed the bar on his hand and closed his fist, and quickly said, “we should go,” before he could try to give it back.

Sirius looked around. “Ehrm… Can I?”

“Oh, yeah, sure, here.” Tonks gave him a wet towel and he washed away the colors on his hand and face. “But I think you look very pretty with it.”

* * *

Sirius and Tonks talked for hours that afternoon at the bar, him loving the surroundings. Nobody bothered looking his cousin in a wary way because of their androgynous looks. In Sirius mind it didn’t bother him either. Boy or girl, his cousin was simply a wonderful person, and very good looking. He secretly wished they weren’t related, acknowledging sadly how his dear cousin Nym incarnated everything he searched for in a partner.

They shared similar points of view in things Sirius always thought he would never be understood by anyone else. He learned about the difficulties menacing Tonks and Remus’ relationship due to the free spirit way Nym though they should live relationships by. In their own opinion, his cousin believe that people should stop living completely monogamous.

For them, jealousy was an oppressive tool of the system to alienate individuals. This normalized people internalizing feeling like objects owned by their partners, restricting their individual freedoms. Tonks spoke vaguely sad about how Remus didn't share that opinion, as well as many others, which was taking a toll on their relationship.

Sirius understood and even shared the opinion, up to a certain point. He argued that people were not islands and needed others, but not taking into account the individual needs of each individual and not being sentimentally committed to a relationship, knowing that your partner yearns for it and suffers, would be like using someone for your individual satisfaction.

He reminded Tonks that in order to have a healthy relationship, people must find a balance between what they both need (or more parts, if it’s the case), and what they are willing to contribute. He encourage his cousin to be honest and talk with Remus. Tonks thanked him and changed the subject, making him shift uncomfortable on his seat.

“It’s great being close to you again,” Sirius opened up. “To talk about certain things so openly. You know how the family is. I envy you for getting away from all of it. My parents would never understand.”

“Once you get into college you’ll move and they won’t be around, and you will do everything you want, and be yourself all the time.” Tonks smiled to him fondly. “What have you in mind for college? Are you excited about what you’re going to do next year?”

“Not exactly. Is like I am more attracted to the idea of getting away with the excuse of going to college than the reality of studying a degree. My parents already have a place in mind, my father’s old university. It’s not that easy to get away from the family bests interests... Serious business, something to contribute to the family legacy. They pay the tuition, so I don't have much choice. But at least I’ll be away,” said Sirius, trying to sound happy and non-bothered.

“You always have a choice. It’s your life, you don’t need to rely on their money to study. You can always try somewhere else.”

He felt treacherous, thinking of his little brother alone with their parents. “I’ve applied to other places. Much less expensive, of course. But I’m not bright, Nym. I’m not stupid, but my grades are not enough to get a scholarship.” He recognized ashamed. “I need to get out of there, I need to breath. If they knew about me, they would disinherit me, I’m sure. They still have Regulus to focus on. He’s always been their favorite, anyway.”

“Don’t be so hard on yourself. For what is worth, you were always my favorite cousin.” Tonks squeezed his hand. “You can always come home, my parents adore you. And we are still on good terms with Uncle Alphard, he always comes home for Christmas. Not all the Blacks are trash.”

“No, you are not.” They looked at each other fondly before Sirius let go of their hands. “By the way, where did you get that septum done?”

“I have this on and off friend with benefits,” Tonks said, playing with the earring. “Why? Are you thinking about it? You don’t seem to be the type.”

“I just make sure to do this where my parents can’t see it. I haven’t used our pool in years, but is worth it.” He unbuttoned his shirt, showing his cousin some of the tattoos he had on his chest. “I always wanted to have one of those here.” Sirius pointed to his nipples, slightly shy.

“I can call her now if you want, she’s probably available right now.” Tonks was already texting on their phone. “Do you know which one you’ll have pierced?”

“The right one, for sure. Maybe both. I don’t know. It doesn’t have the same meaning as in the ear, though. Right?” Sirius laughed out. “Although, I wouldn’t really mind it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well... Pronouns! Go for it.  
> I hope you've noticed that while Remus constantly refers to Tonks as trans, his boyfriend, and uses masculine pronouns to refer to them, Sirius tries to use neutral gender.  
> I wanted to highlight it, because I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea and hate Remus in the first place. Keep in mind that we've seen a scene where Sirius bluntly asked his cousin how they felt about their gender, and Tonks openly explains that neither one thing, nor the other, and all at once. So Sirius decided to go for neutral pronouns.  
> Tonks is not trans, but intersex, they told Sirius that. But we don't know what they said or didn't say to Remus exactly, so don't hate him yet, Moony is simply still uneducated on the matter.
> 
> Don't forget that Tonks is even younger than they are, and is trying to figure out themselves at a very young age. It is a personal experience and this should go without saying, but any other experience regarding intersex or any other gender identity is valid and I hope it does not overshadow other experiences. I just wanted to give more visibility to the gender spectrum after reading some amazing wolfstar fanfics on the subject. AND Tonks as an animagus character in the canon just makes me think of this character as something BEYOND gender rules at a new level.
> 
> PS: fuck you JK, you're transphobic and we all hate you. Shakira wrote the Harry Potter series.~~~


	7. Mind if I join you?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh, next chapter is here, please love it like i loved it
> 
> I added the song last minute but what can I say, that's my go-to song for clubbing scenes. [Skepta - Rolex Sweep ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hPHBppXNgaM) Also thumbs up if you recognize this from somewhere... .

Growing up being best friends with Sirius Black meant putting up with his crazy, reckless ideas most of the time. He always followed him blindly to his pranks and banters, until he drew a line on what he would tolerate from him at Peter’s party. It was painful to hear about his prejudices against queer people, that’s why James was so relieved once the misunderstanding was cleared out.

But the two friends hadn’t been as close as usual lately, mainly because of the rare quiet attitude Sirius always seemed to have during the weeks following the event. James invited him to come to the garage one Thursday after practice, to try and smooth things up, but he was feeling unsettled now, seating with him suddenly in awkward silence.

Sirius stared at his hands. “I’ve been wanting to say something about what happened at the party”

“You don’t have to say anything.” James assured him. “I shouldn’t have given you the silent treatment and all that shit, I should have known you wouldn’t do such thing.”

“No, let me say something.” Sirius placed his beer on the table and took a deep breath. “What I wanted to say is that I’m proud of how you reacted to what you saw as _queerphobia_ , you showed you have iron principles in what you consider fair, and I admire you. And that's why I think I can tell you this now.”

“I’m lost here, Black.” James smiled nervously. “Is this some kind of joke?”

“Please let me explain.” Sirius still didn’t look him in the eyes, wary. “This shit is difficult, I haven’t said this to anyone else before.”

“Shit.” James left the bottle on the table and watched at his friend’s face. “I’m your brother. You can tell me anything.”

Sirius closed his eyes hard for a bit before staring at him with the most serious expression. “I’m queer.”

James blinked a couple times, studying the face of his friend and trying to decide if he was being honest or making a very tasteless joke. “What do you mean _you are queer_? You have been with half the girls on school. Are you… _Gay queer_?”

“Yes. No. It’s complicated.” Sirius lowered his gaze. “I still like girls. And I haven’t been with that much, you just think I have because… Well…” Sirius flinched his fingers. “I don’t like them because they have boobs and _all of that_ … I like guys too, I don’t care about their groins that much. I’m more attracted to peoples’ personalities than anything else. I thought I was bisexual, but don’t care about their genders, or how to define them.”

“That sounds more like being pansexual, Sirius.” James said calmly. “Is not odd at all, Alice is. Maybe I shouldn’t have said that, Lily told me in confidence. They are _close friends_. Or more like _they were_ , before we get together.” James stopped talking about it before he made a huge mistake. “Dude, is not rare or anything. I think is great. I’m glad you told me.”

“That’s not all.” Sirius took a moment, glancing at the ashtray on the table in front of them without looking at it. Distracted, nervous. “Do you remember last year, when you found a pair of panties on my bedroom and I told you I had sex with Amelia Bones? Well… I wasn’t. That was mine.”

James stayed silent, glancing at the ashtray too. “I need to… I need a joint.” He took the rolled cigarette and lighted it up.

“It’s not a kinky shit or anything like that. Fuck.” Sirius flinched uncomfortable away from James. “I like wearing feminine clothes, and some other things… I just don’t think gender rules made any sense.” He spoke quickly, moving his hands. “Say something.”

James took a deep smoke and coughed. “This isn’t a joke, isn’t it?”

“Would you rather if it was a joke?” Sirius asked sad.

“No! I mean. Bro, this is so fucking… huge…” James offered him the joint, which he took dubiously, smoking. “Are you wearing panties right now?”

“I don’t think I’m comfortable sharing that piece of intimate information right now with you. I’m still a dude, James. If that concerns you,” Sirius said, exhaling smoke through his nose and mouth.

James shook his head. “No, of course it doesn’t. It’s just… You’ve always been masculine, I had no clue.”

“I wasn’t faking,” Sirius said frowning. “I am a men, I’m comfortable on my own body. But I _also_ like… Well, I would like wearing a skirt, some time. Or a blouse, or both. I like how I look on those.”

James had no words to describe how he felt about it. He wasn’t actually sure there was a place for him to have an opinion, but he saw the scare grimace on his friend’s face and all he could do to show him his support was pull him in a bear hug and hear him talk about how he felt for the next few hours.

They accompanied the honest talk with beers and weed, and at some point Sirius even shared a few tears and thanked him for listening to him. When he left his house late that night, James knew he needed to do something to show his friend unconditional support and understanding, and took his phone out of his pocket.

* * *

Tonks told him they had plans for Saturday night, and it wasn’t debatable. Sirius didn’t expect to see James there too when he appeared at his cousin house to prepare for the night. They gave him little explanation on how had they came up with the idea, but Tonks invited him to wear anything in their closet he could want for a clubbing night before hurrying him to seat on the dressing table.

[Skepta - Rolex Sweep (Vandalism Remix)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hPHBppXNgaM)

When they arrived to the disco, Sirius was feeling self-aware of his own appearance at first, dressed in very tight jeans and a shirt open almost to his navel, showing some tattoos and his recent piercing. He would have felt sexy in his own skin even before his cousin did his makeup with matching mascara and eyeliner.

A couple of drinks made him lose all the inhibition he could feel at first, dancing with his friends to the music. It wasn't his favorite style, but the deep bass of the song made his stomach vibrate at the rhythm of his movements. Tonks and James danced close to him, smiling and laughing, when he caught a glimpse on a blonde man looking at his movements next to him.

He smiled shyly looking away, trying not to be so obvious. His friends noticed what was happening and James gave him an encouraging look before turning his back to dance closer to Tonks. He felt a tingle behind his back as a hot hand settled on his waist and a voice brushed his ear.

“Is either of them your partner?” A deep voice asked, breath caressing his ear and neck.

Sirius hesitated, biting his lip. “Maybe. Which one of them are you interested in?”

“Neither,” he said in a suggestive voice, approaching him.

“Better, because they are very much in love with each other.” Sirius leaned closer to the guy's face.

“It’s a pity you dance alone.” Both of his hands were on Sirius back now, pulling him closer gently. “Mind if I join you?”

Sirius didn’t answer, instead he turned, pressing his back on the blonde’s chest and taking his strong hand, placing it on his thigh. He finished his drink grimacing at the bitterness and placed the glass in a close ledge of one of the walls.

The man was taller than him and ridiculously handsome. His strong hands sent shivers to Sirius spine every time they brushed moving along. Time passed as they danced, and what firstly were casual caresses ended up turning into blatant fondling. Sirius started to feel a strong arousal when the man pulled him closer with the hand on his lower waist and he felt the hardness against him.

Perhaps the alcohol began to take its toll on him as he felt a caress on his neck and leaned closer, pressing the other man’s face with his cheek. A moan left Sirius’ lips, unnoticed along with the music as the blonde kissed the skin on his neck. Soft and sweet at first, the lips turned hungry as harmless little bites traced the way from his neck to his jaw.

Sirius caught the other man's face and kissed him intently, opening his mouth in a wet, desperate kiss. His body felt excited as he had never felt before, to the point that he began to forget how he had gotten to where he was and with whom, dizzy. Suddenly he felt the need to feel closer to the man, rocking his hips.

He opened his eyes to look around, finding flashing lights pointed at him and people moving slowly and funny around him, everywhere. He closed his eyes again, letting himself be carried away by the burning sensation of his crotch, rubbing himself with the man who held him, touching his entire body in a heated embrace.

A vibrating sensation in his pocket distracted him from his trance and he pulled away from the man, checking the messages on his buzzing phone. He focused his gaze on the string of alarmed messages James had sent him, panicking. He looked around twisting his neck, praying for not meeting a familiar face.

“I need get out of here,” he let the words out of his mouth, distracted.

The blonde handsome man took his hand and helped him out of the room.

* * *

Tonks and him had been dancing for a while when he hear them say they needed to recharge, going to the bar for another glass of neat sprite. James was driving that night and was determined to look out for his friends. Last time he had seen Tonks, she was still a little girl who used to play on the Black’s garden when he visited his best friend some weekends.

She used to make mud pies with Sirius and they sometimes forced him to eat them, resulting in childish scuffles on the grass and giggles in the evening. That person was now in front of him drinking a shot and grimacing. He laughed, offering them a bottle of water and reminding them to take it easy. The last time they saw Sirius, he seemed to be having a good time, but he remembered his last drunken episode too well to be overconfident.

A fist of unease hit him in the gut as he saw a red-haired reflection on the other side of the bar, gaping at him. “Shit,” James mouthed. “Lily?”

She and Remus approached them with confused grins in both questioning faces. James took his phone in time to text Sirius.

“What the hell is going on here, James?” Lily's accusing voice scared him beyond belief.

James didn't know what excuse to make up. He considered telling her the truth, but outing his best friend without his permission was not an option. “Is not what it looks like. We’re here just as friends.”

“Are you?” She shoot daggers at him before turning to watch the heated argument Remus and Tonks seemed to be having.

“Yeah, of course, what else could it be? Don’t you trust me?” James asked seriously.

Lily glanced at him raising her eyebrows. “You’re in a gay nightclub, with a guy you barely know, and you hid it from me. Doubt is a comprehensive response.”

James pressed his lips. “I know, it looks weird.” He glanced at Remus’ wounded face in front of Tonks. “Come, I’ll explain.”

He took her hand and drag her away from the others to a quieter corner where he could talk more freely without worrying about Remus hearing. James didn’t went much into details, not wanting to share anything personal he wasn’t supposed to. And made her promise she wouldn’t say a word.

“Are you for real? Do you think I would believe that nonsense? How could you possibly expect me to believe Sirius is on a place like this? If that’s true, why isn’t he with you?” Lily shouted.

James clenched his jaw. “He’s dancing with someone. I don’t know, he’s having fun.”

“Someone? A guy? What the hell?” Lily seemed more surprised than angry now.

James neither confirmed nor denied it. “Lily you really have to promise not to say anything.”

“You’re for real?” Lily dropped her jaw. “But… I can’t believe this.”

He took his phone out of his pocket and showed her the last few messages they have exchanged that night. “Do you believe he’s here now?”

“Oh my shit.” Lily covered her mouth with a hand.

“Remus can’t know. You have to make an excuse or something,” James pleaded.

“But I don’t get it, why wouldn’t he tell Remus, among all people?”

“No fucking clue, Lily, but I guess it’s his choice to tell people or not, whenever he’s ready.”

“You have a point.” Lily nodded in agreement.

“So?” James took her hand.

“Yeah, all right.” Lily waved a hand. “Let’s go find them.”

When they finally found Tonks, Remus was nowhere on sight and they were given little to no explanation of what happened between them, but Tonks promised he didn’t know anything about Sirius.

Lily was texting Remus when the phone still in James’ hand began to ring with Sirius name on the screen. He took the call, wondering why he wasn’t texting.

“Sirius? Where are you?” James yelled. “Hey, I can’t hear you. Wait a second.” He covered one ear and leaned against Tonks and Lily to muffle the sound of the music. “What? Who’s this?” James crouched down, pressing the phone to his ear with a suspicious expression. “What? Where?” His voice was high-pitched and he got up looking in all directions. “I’m on my way. Hold on.”

He took Lily’s arm and shouted to Tonks to follow, running through the room, pushing people without any regard or concern.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uuuuuh why does James has a suspicious expression? Why is he runing so fast without any regard or concern?  
> uuuuuuuuuaaaaaaa whaaaat is haaaappppeeeennnniiiinnnn!!!??? ¯\\_( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)_/¯
> 
> Left me some comments and Kudos if you liked this or whatever ( ͡~ ͜ʖ ͡°)


	8. I can't seem to remember your name

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hate not being able to post a single Archive Warnings* just for this particular chapter, but I warn you now, just in case this could be triggering: See the notes at the end for an explanation.

He had no idea how they got there but he was glad the music had stopped sounding so loud in his ears, muffled in the dimly lit narrowed room with dark walls.

“Where are we?” Sirius asked to the other man’s mouth, who licked his lips.

“Don’t worry, no one’s gonna disturb us here.” He bit his lips and kissed him harshly, making him shut.

His hands were all over Sirius’ burning skin. Caressing his back in a passionate hug, moving down to his pants. Sirius felt his own aching erection clenching his pants, pressing against the other man.

The man towering over him licked his ear as he lowered the fly of his pants and led Sirius's hand to his crotch. He felt the heat emanating from the hard cock. Shivers ran through his arms and chest.

“Hey.” Sirius turned his head away from the other man’s mouth. “I’m so drunk. Sorry, I can’t remember your name.”

“You’re fine.” He bit down on Sirius's neck hard and unbuttoned his pants with strong hands.

Sirius noticed a hand sliding into his pants, gripping him tightly and stroking him. The quick movement left him speechless and he pulled his own hand away from the man's crotch, grabbing onto his chest, the only thing he could find. The wall slammed into his back. His whole body felt strange. His skin burned with arousal and desire, distant.

“Do you like this?” The man asked him in the ear, making him shiver.

Sirius tried to speak but forgot the words he wanted to say, letting out a whining groan instead.

He lowered Sirius pants a bit more, touching his ass harshly. “Do you want to feel even better?”

Sirius shot his eyes close to the overwhelming touch, trying to think, but his mind was as numb as his body. “What was your name again?”

The man ignored him and grabbed his hips tightly, spinning him around, face against the wall. He kissed his neck slowly and stroked his ass with both hands, going lower and lower.

“Wait, no,” Sirius heard his own distant voice.

“Relax, you’ll love it.” The man grabbed his hair tightly and with his hand still on his ass he moved down between his legs, until Sirius widened his eyes in confusion and tried to pull away.

“Stop! I don’t want that!” His own voice sounded like if it came of a stranger.

“Of course you do.” He pushed him harder against the wall. “You’ve been asking for it all night.”

Sirius tried to get rid of the touch once more but strong hands grasped his wrists against his back. Sirius yelled unintelligible words until he felt an aching pain on his lower back and he screamed out.

“Please,” was the only thing he could whisper. “Stop.”

The man spat on one of his hands, loosening his grip on Sirius’ wrists. He used all the strength he had and pushed him back, covering himself with tremulous hands.

Sirius ran away from him in the only direction he could see on the narrowed room, finding a door with a bar. He pressed it with all his might and he fell flat to the ground, disoriented. The lights blinded him for a moment and he crawled, trying to get as far away as he could from the door closed behind him. He screamed words he couldn't hear on the blinding music.

A familiar face appeared before him and he saw lips moving without hearing anything but noises. He ran to meet him, clutching arms that lifted him into a hug.

“James! Help!” was all he could say to the uncertain face of his friend, looking at him, strangely from below.

* * *

James was the first of them to reach the booth of the disco, without taking his eyes off the person with the phone screen making signals. A short Asian woman with long black hair was waiting for him with a scared face.

“Are you James?” she looked distressed.

“Yes, I am.” James watched over the couch where Sirius was hugged to a black woman patting his back. “What happened?”

“He’s disoriented. He hasn’t let Amber go.” The short girl tilted her head looking at James. “Now I suppose it’s because he thinks she’s you.”

“Oh my god. He’s drunk _and_ racist? I’m so sorry.” James shook his head a little embarrassed.

“I don’t think he’s drunk.” She took his arm and spoke closer to him. “Has he taken something else?”

“What? No! We were only…” James came back at what had happened that night. “Oh my god.”

“He stumbled through that door into the ground.” She explained, pointing to the wall. “His clothes were…” an apology spread across her face, unable to finish the sentence with a small voice. “Should I call someone? Would you need a lift somewhere?”

James felt his insides boil, clenching his fists. “No, I haven’t drink all night. I can drive.”

He walked towards his friend, trying to get his attention from the woman who was comforting him. But he seemed out of himself, staring at nothing with dull eyes.

James knelt. “Sirius? Are you all right?”

“He’s better now,” the woman told him sadly, stroking Sirius's hair softly.

“Sirius, is me. James.” He took his friends face on his hands. “I’m gonna take you home. Do you want to go home?”

“No! Please!” Sirius pulled away, horror on his face. “Not parents. Please, no!”

“We’ll go to my place,” Tonks said quickly. She had approached them without James noticing. “Do you want to come with me, cousin?”

“Tom?” The black woman left Sirius and turned over to Tonks, pulling away a little.

“Amber!?”

James paid no attention at the two woman talking to one another. He took Amber’s place next to Sirius and looked at his weeping face. His eyes were wet gray blots and his entire body trembled as he dropped onto James's shoulder.

Lily knelt in front of them and took his hands, looking scared. “James, what should I do now?”

James hesitated. “Still, don’t tell Remus. I’ll take him home. I’ll text you.”

* * *

Tonks spent silent the whole ride home, seated behind with Sirius almost asleep on their shoulders. James watched over them through the mirror. He couldn’t help blaming himself for having the idea of going out that night.

But his guilt was nothing compared with the rage that invaded his body when Tonks told him what their friends had explained and in what condition was Sirius when they found him.

Sirius took a shower alone, with James seated outside the bathroom, covering his face with both hands while he thought about what they should do. When he felt like himself again, Sirius had said he didn’t want to tell anyone, James guessed he was scared his parents could find out, or maybe it was something even worst.

Tonks offered him some blankets when he asked if he could stay on the couch for the night. He didn’t want to go anywhere far from Sirius until he was sure his friend was ok.

Sirius entered the room and James stood quickly, hesitating before asking him if he could take his friend’s arm to help him go to bed. Sirius didn’t flinch at the touch, and for that James was glad.

Tonks left them on the guests’ room and told James where their room was in case they needed something. He thanked Tonks for it before closing the door and approaching the bed carefully.

“How are you feeling now, brother?” James asked softly.

Sirius merely shrugged his shoulders inside the blankets.

“Do you want me to stay here until you fall asleep?”

Sirius' eyes looked at him wearily, closing. “Thanks.”

James seated on the floor, next to the bed, with his back against the nightstand. “Do you want to talk?”

Sirius buried his face in the pillow, making a pitiful sound. He looked more tired than scared. He pulled a hand out from under the covers and James took it, letting him know he was close. “Was Lily really there? She saw me?” He asked with muffled voice.

“Yes.” James clenched his eyes. “She loves you, Sirius. Don’t worry about her now.”

“Remus?”

“No.” James said right away. “She won’t tell him. She promised. Don’t worry about it.”

Sirius stayed silent for minutes, and when he did, he spoke with soft whispering voice. “Do you remember when we were little and had sleep overs at your house?”

“Yes. Your farts are unforgettable.” James smiled chuckling. “And they stay for a while, you bastard.”

Sirius’ smile didn’t reached his eyes, but he still made a chuckled noise.

“Why? Do you want to do that now?” James asked kindly.

“Are we too old to?” Sirius sounded dubious.

“No.” James let go of his hand and crawled to the other side of the bed, staying on top of the blankets. Sirius moved a bit closer, not turning to face him, and James rested his hand on his shoulder. “Is this all right?”

He saw the back of Sirius head as he nodded. “Thanks,” he said in a strangled voice.

James stayed by his side for a long time, doing nothing but staring at the back of his head in the gloom. When he felt the sobs coming from him, he hugged him and tried to calm him with kind words.

Sirius hardly whispered his only words. “He wasn't going to stop, James.”

James stroked his arm gently until the sobs and shaking stopped and he heard him fall asleep, breathing deeply. He stayed awake for many hours after seeing the sun peeking out the window.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> x. At the beginning of the chapter there is a rather unpleasant scene about a sexual abuse experienced in the first person. Hated writing every moment, but it is essential for character development, unfortunately.
> 
> By the way, changing the subject! I've wrote until chapter twenty-seven already (not counting two other plot arcs that I have outlined and will probably be the end of the story). I know the chapters are generally short, closer to two thousand words than five (which is the most common variation in literature), and I'm happy for the moment always uploading a chapter every two days. But, sometimes I feel really bad knowing that I have the chapters there just waiting and I have left a clifhanger. This chapter, for example, I almost uploaded yesterday out of impatience.  
> Please, let me know in the comments what you think about it, and if you haven't yet, please some kudos would be nice, too :)


	9. Grass and stars

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Probably my favorite chapter so far. And for good reasons.  
>  Simply, enjoy it.
> 
> I leave you with a song that screams 'WolfStar' at each chord and goes with the vibes of the story perfectly (and more than it might seem at first glance).
> 
> [Seafret - Oceans](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aqsL0QQaSP4)
> 
> (The videoclip is unrelated, but since we're here, I might as well say that I hate bullies with all my heart and I adore the story)

The last three weeks of December passed slowly for Sirius. In his mind, what happened that night in the dark room of the club was a distant nightmare that he preferred not to think about. He hardly remembered the guy's face, beyond his blond hair and charming smile. So much for appearances.

He kept seeing Tonks very often, and one day they met the same girls who had helped him that night. Amber and Jade were a couple but they weren't exclusive, one of them hitting at him at one point. Sirius flirted back a bit, but it would still be a while before he felt like getting back in the ring.

His cousin introduced him to several queer friends they had met over the years, making him feel like he was part of a group. He was still careful not to appear too feminine at school or around his parents, but he slowly began to open up more, until he came to the conclusion that there was no point in keeping it from his best friend.

The first night he tried to come out of the closet with Remus, Sirius was perched on his windowsill, smoking a cigarette and staring at the stars in the winter starry night. The big ginger cat that used to haunt his roof appeared beside him, pressing his head against his forearm.

Sirius stroked him between the ears, watching his squashed face purr. The cat entered his room towards the plate of milk that he always kept hidden under the bed for him. He glanced at the full moon, trying to remember why they started calling Remus Moony. It was a childish reason, and all four Marauders (yes, they were weird as childs) used to have stupid nicknames. But Sirius was the only one that kept using Remus pet name. He couldn’t remember why, now.

He took his phone and texted him, asking to meet. Remus clung to his chest every time he stopped the motorbike at a stoplight, but the ride steadied a bit more as they hit the road. Remus got off the bike and took off his helmet, ruffling his light brown hair. Sirius put a jacket in his hands that he kept in the compartment of his motorcycle and took himself a pair of wool rugs.

They climbed a mound of grass and sat together, talking for a long time. Sirius rolled the joints and Remus dug his fingers into the turf, smoking when offered. Hours passed before Sirius realized that he couldn't find the courage to tell him, and eventually Remus said it was late and cold and they should call it a night.

Sirius tried again the next day with the same results, and on the third night it was Remus who wrote him to ask if he was better with insomnia or if he should wait for him on the sidewalk. The fourth night they spent together, Remus joked about paying for his share of the weed they were smoking, but Sirius declined, stating it was _Black money well spent_.

On the fifth night, they were both lying with their bodies on the grass and their heads on one of the rugs, well tucked and staring at the stars, until Sirius broke the ominous silence they had shared for minutes.

“Remus, I am Queer.”

Neither of them moved for a while until Remus took a long drag on the joint he was holding and blew the thick smoke slowly out his nose.

“All right.”

Sirius gave no other explanation. Remus didn't ask for them either. They just smoked and kept talking as usual about the stars and constellations, the school and college, their friends and parents. Christmas break was a quiet time.

When he parked on the sidewalk in front of Remus’ house that early night, he got off the motorcycle to walk with him to the door. He didn't say anything else when Remus pulled him into a hug that seemed to last for centuries. Sirius averted the sudden need to kiss his cheek when they pulled away and Remus' sweet citrus-flowery and marijuana scent abandoned him once again.

That Sunday night he wrote to Remus saying he was tired and would see him the next day, avoiding mentioning that his parents were back in town and he had to have a family dinner with them and his little brother.

He sat at the long ebony table, uncomfortable in his dress shirt with cufflinks. Kreacher had left his outfit for the occasion meticulously ironed along with a note from his mother on top of the dresser in his room that afternoon.

His father looked at him appraisingly from across the table, grimacing, but made no comment as Sirius reached out to pour himself a good amount of potato salad on the plate destined for the main course.

His brother was serving stew for himself, sitting to his left in the center of the table, ignoring him as was his custom. Regulus placed the main course on his right side of the table and rested his arms on the neatly spread napkin in his lap as he waited for the rest of the diners to serve themselves.

“Sirius, aren't you going to try the lamb tonight? The service has marinated it in cloves and malt whiskey for the occasion.” Walburga spoke with cold disdain masked in well-rehearsed layers of elegant kindness.

Sirius held the plate closer to his mother, ignoring the smell of burning dead meat and the revulsion the scene provoked in him. “Thank you, mother, but I still don’t eat corpses.”

She wrinkled her nose at such insolence at the table, probably holding back a string of expletives toward her older son's disappointing behavior. She turned her face to her husband after serving her own plate and set the stew aside.

“Orion, dearest, tell us how the hunt with the other families went. Any advances?” The tone of her voice denoted his eagerness to change the subject.

Sirius focused his attention on the pickles and carrot slices in the salad on his plate, trying to ignore the story of how his father had impressed some Head and the rest of his companions by killing a deer with one shot in the temple. He soothed his nausea by drinking cold water from his silver goblet when his father described how difficult it was to carry the murdered animal back to the hunting complex.

“I had a great meeting with my old friend Igor during the evening that day. Everything points to good news when the response from the Elite Durmstrang University arrives.” His father wiped a reddish sauce stain from his chin with a neatly folded napkin. “Karkaroff told me in confidence that Sirius will have the opportunity for a personal interview with him and the new deputy director very soon.”

“This is wonderful news. Congratulations, you've earned it.” Her mother's words were entirely addressed to her husband.

“Traditions seem not to have been entirely forgotten in high places, after all.” Orion lifted his head, pointing his chin forward toward his eldest and heir. “Nonetheless, I hope that you conduct yourself with the most absolute and faultless politeness to my old piers. I will not tolerate redress or rudeness in this family.” He spoke sternly yet in a polite tone.

“Yes, father.” He knew better than to argue. Sirius swallowed and brushed a lock from his face, catching it behind his ear.

The gesture did not go unnoticed by his mother. “It's about time you got a decent haircut. I will make an appointment before the meeting.”

Sirius held himself back from protesting, clenching his fists on his silverware as he felt his fingernails bit into the palm of his hands, leaving half-moon marks.

“It is a shame,” Regulus raised his voice without taking his eyes off his bloody stew. “Formal hairstyles of yore are no longer popular. Before, a man could have long hair, and as long as he styled it appropriately for his status, it was still considered worthy of deference.” He looked at his brother with an indifferent expression. “Nothing to do with a wet mangy dog appearance.”

Walburga's knife scratched the porcelain, ripping off a high-pitched squeak. “Watch your Language when we are at the table.” She glared at his young son with narrowed eyes.

“My apologies. I should not have chosen those words.” Regulus lowered his head submissively and acted contrite for a few minutes.

Her mother made no further mention of the subject, resuming her meal. Meanwhile, Orion chewed loudly, breaking a bone to suck up the marrow.

“There is an exquisite oil portrait in the attic depicting a respected admiral, his hair is scrupulously gathered in the most aristocratic way,” Regulus broke the silence. “I can't remember its name, but it's dated in sixteen hundred. I'll order the housekeeper to take it out for you to study, if you like.” His brother's tone was bored and disdainful. “I'll fetch you some books, as well. But you would enjoy the pictures more than reading, in any case.”

Sirius breathed a sigh of relief, feigning the same indifference he received. “Thank you, brother. I appreciate the schooling.”

The shadow of a smile crept onto Remulus' face as he covered his face with his silver cup before he completely ignored Sirius again and focused on flattering his father, taking a sudden interest in frivolous anecdotes from his recent business travels.

* * *

It was a calm and warm night for a Christmas evening, dimly lit by the waxing gibbous moon. What at first were endless days of unease ended up turning into weeks that came and went with the speed of a sigh, and the memory of his break-up with Tom was already a distant memory.

Soon the moon would finish engorging and it would be a full month again, the second one since he began to fall into the routine of joining Sirius on his introspective sleepless nights in the grass. They were just two friends sneaking out at the most dark hour of the night to lucubrate about life. Although, once they talked about death as well.

As the smoke cleared, the conversations became more whispery and ideological. Their long ramblings often ended in dead ends, leading to a million potential windows into dimly lit rooms. Sometimes, they followed the thin red threads to unexpected revelations. Sometimes, they ended struck with meaningless conclusions. Sometimes they just giggled uncontrolably for minutes. Other times they fell into comfortable silences. Just being there, together, resembling something close to accordance. Those were the best times.

Remus did not comment with the rest of their friends on the nightly escapades, and to his own surprise Sirius never invited anyone to join them. Not even James, who was like a brother to him.

He never raised any illusions, still unable to fully believe Sirius' confession about his sexuality, made weeks ago and never mentioned again. Even if it had been true, he was far beyond his reach. Remus was not a hideous man, he was aware of his own physical qualities. But in comparison, it was simply impossible for Sirius' big dreamy gray eyes to look at him in any other way than brotherhood-ish.

He was content spending a few hours a day in the company of his platonic best friend, even when it meant an uncertain shudder every time their fingers brushed a few seconds longer than necessary when passing joints, or the sensation of floating in a black drifting sea when Sirius turned his head to speak more softly close to him, whenever he started to feel sleepy.

That night Sirius had been strangely quieter than normal, playing with the narrow patch of grass under his hand, between the two of them. His fingers stopped tangling the green stalks and rumbled over the earth in a steady, nervous rhythm.

“Do you remember Jade and Amber?” Sirius said out of nowhere.

“Aren’t they friends with Tonks? Yeah, I met them a couple times. Why?”

“Well, the thing is…” Sirius plucked some grass from the ground. “They’ve asked me to come to this thing this weekend, Saturday night.”

“Like a Christmas party?” Remus asked.

“No, more like a get together, a gathering. I don’t know.”

“Sounds like fun.” Remus remained silent, not knowing where he was going. “Will you go then?”

“I don’t know. I was wondering.” Sirius stood still, staring at the sky. “Do you want to come along with me?”

“Who else in going?”

“Some other friends of them. I’ve met some but I don’t think you know all of them.” He cleared his throat. “Maybe Tonks. Probably.” His tone of voice turned insecure, apologetic. “Are you two not talking, or… Would it be a problem?”

Remus wondered if Tonks had told their cousin anything else, if Sirius knew something and was just pretending not to know the details. “No, we ended things in a good way. Friendly, as grown-ups should.”

“We don’t have to go if you don’t want to,” said Sirius. “We could… do something else.”

 _We_? The choice of words planted the seed of doubt in Remus. “No, I’d like to go. If that’s ok.”

“Yeah, great,” Sirius sighed softly. “Ok. It’s a plan, then.”

He changed the subject for something less compromising, but Remus thought for a long time about the shy smile he spotted from the corner of his eye.

“It’s getting late.” Sirius got up and offered a hand to help him up.

Remus took it and followed him. “As usual around this time, every night.”

Sirius smiled for half a second before walking beside him. “I’ll take you home.”

They parked on the sidewalk and his friend got off the motorbike too, giving him a short hug. When they parted, Remus noticed the quick brush of Sirius’ lips pressed to his own cheek before hearing him wish him good night in a hasty whisper, getting on the bike in a rush.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really wanted to upload this chapter and know what you think, because this is where I finished sowing practically all the clues for all the plots to come. The most important ones, at least.
> 
> And if you are not closely informed about lunar cycles or festive calendars, the time they spent going to the hill every night in this chapter covers the Christmas holidays, approximately three weeks or a month.


	10. One two many people

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yep.
> 
> First time I'm introducing a single text message! I'll be using this more and I think I came up with something. But for now you only need to know the fonts, they go like this:  
>  _Remus is italic_  
>  **Sirius is bold**

When Remus returned with his beer from the kitchen to the large dining room where the group sat talking loudly, he found the place on the couch where he had been sitting next to Sirius occupied by a man with dark hair and a goatee.

He swallowed an awkward gulp from his can as his legs moved by themselves to the patch of carpet where Lily sat on the floor with Tonks, seating between her best friend's legs and resting the beer on the light wooden table in the center of the room.

He looked uneasily at the people around him. He didn't know anyone else and had barely had time to introduce himself to everyone and find a topic to talk about before everyone sat down for side conversations.

Lily gave him a squeeze on the forearm and a quick fond look before turning back to his ex, and laughed at a joke Remus was not part of. Everything in the room made him feel out of place, from the hanging plants on the bookcases above the couch, to the hand the guy had placed on Sirius' leg as he spoke to him with seductive eyes.

A jab of unjustified jealousy pierced his throat and stood there for a minute, until his friend called him over to come to the arm of the sofa and introduced him to Rabastan, the man sitting on the couch, who had been telling him god knows what hilarious stories about his little beard.

Sirius made an excuse for himself to go to the bathroom and asked him not to go anywhere. Remus slid from the arm over to the couch, sipping a little more from his fourth can of beer that night, hoping to defuse himself and talk to someone else.

Rabastan stroke some conversation with him, asking him if he had ever traveled to Europe and paying little attention to his answers. Apparently he was more focused on telling him about his recent time in Italy for the Christmas break. He got a little closer to him on the couch and placed his hand in his knee, as he had done with Sirius before, Remus noticed.

“So, your long haired friend. He’s a bit shy, isn’t he?” he asked with an amused grin over his goatee.

“Not really, no,” Remus answered unsure.

“Oh, I see.” Rabastan gave him a knowing look. “Are you two together then?”

Remus had a cold fist squeezing inside his chest admitting “no, we are not.”

The brunette looked at him smiling and continued talking about his adventures in Europe for a long time, until Sirius finally appeared with one of the hostesses clinging on his arm, talking animatedly. They sat in an armchair near Remus, the dark girl on the arm of the chair with her legs on Sirius' lap, sipping from a red glass.

Sirius spoke nonchantly with her and her girlfriend, seated on the other side of the couch. Remus noticed how he glanced from time to time in the direction in which he was speaking with Rabastan, without actually intervening in the boys' conversation.

Remus got up to go to the bathroom, taking the time to go to the kitchen and leave the empty can in the trash later on. When he closed the refrigerator door with another beer in hand, Sirius was on the other side, standing with his hands in his pockets.

“So, you’re having fun,” Sirius said with half smile.

“Yeah, I am. Thanks for inviting me.”

“That guy you’re talking to, Rabastan. He seems kinda nice.”

“I don’t know.” Remus felt his head flush red with jealous. “He asked about you. If we were together or something.”

“Oh wow,” Sirius said way too high. “That’s...” he mumbled uncomfortable. “What did you told him?”

“Don’t worry. I told him no, of course.” Remus squeezed the cold can. “D’you find him appealing?”

“S-sure, why not,” Sirius said, in the same high tone. “Go ahead. Actually, they asked me to stay for the night, actually, so.” He scratched his head, staring at the ground. “Yeah, that’s great, you can… do whatever you want.” He smiled sharply and walked off into the dining room. “Excuse me.”

Remus spent the rest of the night in a confused flirtatious conversation with Rabastan, believing that Sirius had been interested in him. Or even _him_ , before. It was stupid to believe either option. Sirius was straight, clearly proven by how he spent the time talking to Amber and Jade.

Once people already left, including Tonks and Lily, and only the five of them were left, Rabastan offered him a ride back home. Which Remus had to accept, given the situation.

He shuddered in the car when the man put his hand on his thigh as they reached their destination. And when he leaned down to kiss him, Remus turned in embarrassment by everything around him and rushed out of the car.

He threw himself on the bed with his back to the window, exhausted from the experience. Hating himself for believing that something else was going to happen tonight, and hating Sirius for leading him on. He probably wouldn't even have considered any of that when he invited him, it had been all in Remus' head, of course.

He wrote a quick text before turning off the phone's screen and throwing it on the floor. He got into bed without even putting on his pajamas and fell asleep soon after.

* * *

He rested his head in the right side of the queen-sized bed, exhausted for the effort. He had befriended the girls more than a month ago, both showing him comprehension and acceptance on his desire to forget the events on the club and not pressing charges. He knew it would take forever and probably lead to nowhere. Plus, he didn’t want his parents finding out.

He only wanted to forget about it and move on, and that’s why when Amber asked him days ago it didn’t take him by surprise as much as it should had. Her girlfriend had never been with a guy and they wanted to try something different, together. And as she said that as long as he was willing to, they wanted him to do it.

It had taken him a long time to get hard shagging Amber, while Jade kissed their necks and backs from the other side of the bed, touching herself. A bit uncomfortable for not knowing where whose body began and ended.

His cock now rested limp on his lower belly, damp and still wrapped. He watched as the girls kissed and caressed and whispered in their ears as they played and rubbed each other. A hand stroked his hair in an invitation to join the party as he discarded the used condom.

Jade straddled him, one leg at either side, her long silky black hair falling to his skin, tickling his chest and neck with each kiss. It was her turn, he supposed. Amber kissed and licked his girlfriend's small breasts on her knees, while she rubbed herself with his crotch in a desperate attempt to get him hard again.

It was hot. It was sexy. It was intimate.

It was too much.

The smaller woman had fallen asleep quickly after the disappointing match. He dressed silently without looking at his friends. Aware that Amber was still awake, he left the room tiptoeing. He was putting on his shoes, leaning on the coffee table, when the long-legged woman wearing just a white robe tied at the waist joined him.

“Is there everything ok?” she asked softly.

“Yes, I’m fine.” Sirius got u from the table. “Sorry about that, I was tired. I hope Jade isn’t disappointed.”

“Nonsense, we had a great time. We should do it again, I’m sure Jade agrees,” Amber assured him.

“Thanks. But no, thanks. I don’t want to hurt your feeling or anything, you both are beautiful and I really appreciate your friendship, but this was a onetime thing. I don’t think I was totally ready to do that.”

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry, we shouldn’t have-”

“No, it’s all fine,” Sirius interrupted her. “I came in there willingly. But it’s just too soon, I guess.”

“Is there anything I can do? Do you want to talk?” When he shook his head, Amber smiled sadly. “Is very late, if you’re not comfortable sharing our bed you can always take the couch.”

“No, I think I need to go home. Thank you.”

“All right, then. Good night.” She gave him a chaste kiss on the cheek before disappearing on her bedroom again.

Sirius' stomach churned when he found the helmet with a moon sticker next to his own, hanging on the coat rack. He leaned his head against the elevator mirror, closing his eyes in regret when he saw the last message on his phone.

He noticed the hour attached to the message, only twenty minutes after he got off the house. It had been hours, answering now would only be a confirmation of what he probably already knew. _Shit_.

> **Sirius** & _Remus_
> 
> _I just got home_
> 
> _Enjoy yourself_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What would you prefer? Longer chapters but only once a week? Or 15-3000 words chapters every other day at least?  
> (the latter is what I'm doing for now, and this chapter is 1500 words long, so one of the shortest so far, if not the shortest)
> 
> ALSO, If you're liking the story so far leave me some coments and Kudos maybeeeeeeeeeee


	11. Did I Stutter?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you can communicate something in fewer words and still be precise, concrete and effective, the rest was filler.
> 
> The name of this chapter is not (I REPEAT, IT IS NOT) a reference to the 16th episode of the fourth season of the American comedy television series The Office aka one of the best things created by humankind.

Everyone knew. It was the best Christmas gossip ever. People stared at him shamelessly down the hallways. At the cafeteria when he sat down for lunch he would hear them whispering (although sometimes not even that). Without quite knowing why, when he greeted Penny Haywood the first Wednesday morning after the break, she gave him a disdainful look.

It was disgusting how people just knew about it, some guys probably even revered him for it. People imagined things, gossiped. They invented crazy scenarios. But no one came to the only conclusion Sirius himself had come to: one of the worst parts about having a threesome was the terrifying possibility of disappointing not one, but two people.

The worst part was finding out why and how everyone at the school knew he did it. Apparently, Remus had told Lily and (of course) she told James. James talked to Sirius in front of Pete (well done, Jay). He just told Frank and Alice (hoping they wouldn’t say), and bob's your uncle.

The funny thing was, though, that Remus didn’t told him anything about it. In fact, the second week of January passed and he didn't even speak to him. The helmet with the sticker rested on the nightstand in his bedroom. He hadn't had the stomach to leave it in the garage with _Her_ and the rest of the other helmets and accessories. It made him sad. It made him feel stupid.

Sirius lay in the grass breathless, his chest clenched by the weight of the man on top of him. He took a deep breath and a hand grabbed his arm to help him up.

“Man, where the hell are you?” James shouted before returning to the game.

He looked at the bench again and saw Lily sitting alone, watching their training absently with her phone on her hands.

He ran across the field when the light rain started, trying not to be a train wreck at training too. The fourth time they tackled him, he almost took the head off the guy who did it. Coach Hooch scolded him and sent him to the locker room, warning him he wouldn’t play the next game if he continued to act like a bumbling baboon.

Sirius let the water run down his skin, his head resting on the tile wall. He picked up his backpack from the locker room floor and walked down the hall toward the main entrance, glancing at the lockers next to the janitor's office. He made a certain decision and whirled on his heels. Headed for the library.

Thursday afternoon, of course. He was sitting at the usual table, reading an absurd book about invented mythological creatures, probably for the essay they had to write for Kettleburn.

“Hey, Moony,” Sirius greeted him, but he didn’t greet him back. “Mind if I seat?”

Remus shrugged indifferently without taking his eyes off his reading.

“Can we talk?” Sirius asked as he seated on the edge of the chair.

“About?”

“About why are you not talking to me?”

“No need to.” Remus turned a page, frowning. “That would be incongruous.”

“Why are you angry? I don’t get it. Have I done something?”

“No,” Remus snorted.

Sirius couldn't just let go, not without trying. “Just... tell me, anything.”

“Don’t you have somewhere to be? Maybe have a _manaja twa_?” he said with mockery.

“What?” Sirius asked puzzled.

“Don’t think so, that usually means two guys and just one girl.”

“Why are you saying that?” His guts churned. “Are you jealous? Because–” 

“No, I’m not fucking jealous, you mindless fuck!” Remus raised his voice angrily. “Who the fuck do you think you are?”

“Remus, what have I done?” Sirius spread his hands soothingly.

“What have you done? You fucking asshole?” He slammed the book shut. “You pretended to be something you’re not, saying you were _queer_ , pretending to be an _ally_ or some kind of shit. Just to take two lesbians to bed and fulfill your alpha male sexual fantasy!” Remus spat out the words. “Have you fucked half of the girls from this high school, before having an interracial threesome with lesbians, and you really expect me to believe that you are not heterosexual? You’re not gay! You’re not queer! You’re fucking disgusting!” he said, poking a finger in Sirius chest.

“That’s quite enough, Remus.” Sirius clenched his fists, digging his nails deep.

“The only thing I don’t fucking understand is why you asked me to come with you to that party! Did you wanted me as proof? As a witness? It's your cis-straight white man's ego not inflated enough that you needed to lead on your sissy friend?” He gathered up his books and got up hastily. “We’re done!”

Remus gathered his jacket from the back of the chair and stormed out of the library before Ms Pince could start scolding him for yelling.

* * *

His face burned with anger and a fist clenched the insides of his chest, making him feel tiny and cheated on. He ran to the door and out into a wet exterior. It was raining heavily, and Remus had forgotten his umbrella inside, but fuck him if he was going to turn back now.

The tears rained down on his face when he saw the square light behind him. Sirius had pushed the front door so hard he heard it hit the wall even through the patter of water on concrete. Remus walked quicker, not wanting him to see him crying.

“You expect me to hear all that fucking bullshit and say nothing about it?” Sirius approached him quickly, splashing as he stomped.

“Leave me alone, Sirius!” Remus turned.

“No!” Sirius grabbed his shoulder and flipped him around. “You’re gonna hear me now! Just like I’ve heard the shit that came out of your mouth! You’re so fucking judgmental and hypocritical, you just can’t understand a fucking thing besides white and black! Gay and straight! Fuck that shit! Sexuality is a spectrum, Remus!” His face contorted in the rain. “Am I not _gay enough_ for you? Because I’ve fucked girls? Not _queer enough_? Because I play football and ride a motorbike? Well fuck that shit! You’re worse than a straight man! At least when they are being homophobic it does not harm _them_! But you’re just plain shitty shit! Do you want to know why Tonks broke up with you?”

“He didn’t!” Remus snapped. “We split up becau–”

“Because you were a fucking asshole! Referring to them as a guy constantly! It is not a phase! Tonks wasn’t transitioning! It’s called being intersex! And you knew that! Didn't you? You fucking had to know, you were together! Do you know why you have never seen me with a guy before?! Because of insensitive fucking assholes like you who don’t give a shit about other peoples’ identities and emotions!” Sirius' face was red with anger and the rain was wetting his lashes in a way that made it look like he was crying. “The only time I were with a guy he fucking drugged me and tried to force himself!”

Remus felt a dagger stabbing his gut. “Sirius, I–”

“Shut the fuck up!” Sirius pushed him with both hands. He was crying like he had never seen him before. “Do you know why I had a rough time coming out to you, of all people? Because of how you treated my cousin! Tom wasn’t a guy or a girl, it was both at the same time and neither of them, and that was fucking beautiful and you wasted it! Denying half their identity!” He pushed him again, less harshly this time. “I guess is all right to have preferences, but Tonks will be better off without you, selfish prick! They deserves someone who can love them for _all there is to know about them_!” He cried out loud. “Do you wanna know why I never even tried to explain myself with you? Because I have enough shit going on on my plate, knowing that my parents would disinherit me, probably beat the shit out of me in the process! And I was scared you would reject me too! And you just proved my worst fucking fear!”

A split second was the time it took Remus to hesitate, trembling, and it was too late to say anything. Sirius’ shoulder pushed him as he ran away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sirius: **I'm out, biatch** * _drops the mic_ * * _still sobbing uncontrollably, tho_ *


	12. No thoughts, head empty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It seems like forever since I started posting this and it's actually just been less than four weeks, wow. But fear not, cause at the rate I update and write, I already have material for months!  
> Thank you very much for the comments and all the feedback, you make my day! Love youuuuuu 💘

They usually met on James garage on weekends, to talk off the shenanigans they’d been up to. The seven teenagers were all spread around the old couches, carelessly placed across the space. Alice resting her back on Frank’s legs, seating on the floor while looking on Lily’s phone. Remus was seated next to her, looking as well at the photos of her weekend with James at the campus.

Both of them had in mind applying to attend at the same university next year, and they had been looking for small apartments on the area close by the campus. Their families weren’t extraordinarily wealthy, the Potters still being more lucky than the Evans, but since Petunia (Lily’s elder sister) had moved out with her boring boyfriend a couple years ago, their parents had could have save a ton of money for her college tuition. And she and James were happily whiling to spend the summer working to afford the expenses they most certainly will have to deal with together next year.

It was early in the year to submit applications, but Remus had also been comparing prices near the university he wanted to study at. It was all out of his budget, and he assumed that when the time came, he would have to rent a cheap room and bite the bullet. He didn't say a word about it, but a teaspoon of envy embittered the joy of seeing his friend making plans.

James and Peter were at the pool table, not quite playing anymore but rather drinking beer after beer and laughing loudly beneath the bulb light on the ceiling, glancing above their heads. Sirius was with them, half resting against the wall with his arms folded on his chest, partially hiding on the dark spot on the room, following their conversation but not quite engaging.

Remus hadn’t been around him in quite some time, suspecting Sirius had been avoiding him. Rather knowing than suspecting, actually. He didn’t speak to him again after bursting out laud that day in the rain, and Remus couldn’t blame him for it. He never tried to approach him and emend things either, too ashamed of his behavior and fearing he only will made a fool of himself again.

There was something different in Sirius that night, something Remus couldn’t just distinguish on the dim light of the garage. He had always looked fierce and bold on his own characteristic ways, but tonight it seemed like something was off about him, not necessarily in a bad way. Remus glanced back at Frank’s voice, shy when he noticed he had been staring for some time, hopefully without the other man knowing it.

Remus couldn’t help following him to the small kitchen area James had arranged down there, just a couple mini-fridges loaded with beer and candy bars next to the sink, separated from the common area with a tall shelving full of cans of beans and things like that. Sirius frowned at the unrequired company, opening the lower fridge to fish a bottle of double ambree and searching for the opener.

Remus took a deep breath and forced a coy smile towards him. “Hey!”

Sirius merely gave him a nod in response. “Have you seen the opener?” he asked without meeting his eyes.

Remus pointed to the metal shelving, were the opener was attached through the magnet to the material. Sirius took it and used it, swearing under his breath for whoever misplaced it again, and put it on its usual spot at the door of the fridge. He glanced at Remus again, raising his eyebrows in an annoyed glare.

“What?” he barked at him.

Remus was usually the one being accused for having a permanent resting bitch look on his face, but Sirius beat him on that field tonight. The tallest boy jumped at his tone and leaned to one of the fridges to take a chocolate bar as an excuse to be there. Sirius was already turning around to leave when Remus snapped his neck and talked quickly with eyes shut.

“I’m sorry, Sirius.” His heartbeat drummed in his ears. “For everything.”

When he opened his eyes, Remus could only see half of his face, he had turned his back to him and didn’t look like looking for further conversation. What had been a grimace of distaste had turned into a tired half smile. Even sad, maybe.

Sirius almost nodded, lowering his head. “Right.”

“Sirius, I–”

He was left with half word unsaid when Sirius started off in the direction of the rest of his friends.

* * *

She was already a bit tipsy after having been drinking with Alice and Remus most of the night. Her bestie was distracted talking to Peter, while she and Alice gossiped between giggles and whispers about the boy coming back from the bathroom at that moment.

“Sirius, come here. Turn around!” Alice had always been the shameless one of them, totally opposite to his boyfriend.

“What?” he laughed confused.

“Don’t listen to her. She’s been drinking,” said Lily, squeezing her arm.

“Shush!” Alice broke free of her hand. “Just do as I say!”

Sirius gave himself a quick turn, smiling like a dork. His face turned a very charming shade of pink when he realized that the girl had been evaluating his ass thoroughly.

“I knew it! I have the same pants at home.” Alice clapped her hands cheerful. “Fuck, they don't look that good on me.”

“I’m sure that’s not true!” Sirius blushed even harder at her.

“Sirius, take the compliment, they look good on you!” Lily said.

“Thanks, Lilyflower.” He smiled fondly.

“Now,” Alice took him by the waist and sat him on the couch with them. “You come here and explain to me, what the hell had possessed you to wear women trousers?”

“Oh my god, Alice! Shut up!” Lily jumped.

“No, I mean it!” The other girl laughed. “Among all the beautiful things he could have picked to wear, why settle with the most restrictive option of all? Those pants don't even have useful pockets. Believe me, I know, I never use them for that very reason.”

“I know right? Is so annoying!” Sirius laughed in relief. “I keep losing track of my belongings, then I recall I left my phone and wallet at the jacket.”

“I’m genuinely jealous of how good they look on you. I’ve never realized before you had such a nice arse.” Alice earned a scared look from her boyfriend. “Wait until you pull that outfit at school, girls are going to be wild.”

“Oh, no, I’m not doing that.” Sirius shook his head, covering half an embarrassed face with his hand. “I’m only comfortable wearing this clother with friends, yet.”

“Great! Probably for the best.” Frank sat between him and Alice, putting his arm around her shoulders. “You wouldn't be giving the rest of us a chance.”

Alice gave him a frown and a silencing kiss on the cheek before turning towards them again. “Why don’t we go shopping next week? Frank never wants to come with me, he says he gets bored.”

His boyfriend objected without too much conviction, but Sirius agreed, looking at Frank reassuringly, albeit exasperated. Lily joined the plan happy for the outcome of events. The couch where she was seating in front of them sagged under the weight of Remus joining her. Lily ran a carefree hand over her best friend's knee, resting her head on his shoulder.

He joined the conversation fully after a while, for which Lily was pleased. She was beginning to get fed up with the bad vibes she had felt among the boys for a while, unable to find an answer, because absolutely no one knew exactly what had happened between them. Remus cleared his throat after gulping down what was left of his lager.

“Are you wearing mascara?” he said hastily, his face scared and regretful as soon as the silent fell.

“Yes.” Sirius pierced at him with a stare. “Do you have a problem with that too?”

“No,” Remus barely whispered apologetically.

“Good.” Sirius said with tight lips. Lily noticed her friend stirring beside her. “I’m starting to feel comfortable to be more open around my friends, and If you can’t handle it just stay away, I don’t need to justify myself to you again.

Frank broke the awkward silence that had been created among them by stating that he hadn't realized it until now, but that now that he noticed it, Sirius looked like a certain punk singer he idolized. The anger disappeared from his silver eyes as soon as he struck up a conversation about music with Frank and Alice, but Lily took Remus' hand in hers. She knew him too well not to see the sadness in his eyes when he smiled at her and told her _it was silly_ and _everything was fine_.

Later that night, when Peter offered to drive Frank and Alice home in the car his parents had given him for his birthday, Lily took James aside for a minute. She told him she was tired and ready to go to bed with a suggestive look, but asked him to let the boys stay and talk. James raised an eyebrows but agreed, letting himself be carried away by her magic purr.

Before leaving the room, watching as James cornered Sirius in the kitchen, she leaned in from behind the couch, where Remus was sitting and gave him a squeezing hug. “Talk.” Lily pressed a kiss on his cheek. “It will be fine, but I’ll be just upstairs if you need me.”

Remus didn’t answer to her.

James closed the door of his room behind him and approached her, watching her change her clothes into one of his old football t-shirts to sleep. He leaned down to kiss her neck, but she was distracted, worried.

Lily pulled away a bit. “D’you think they’ll be all right?”

“Yeah, sure. They’re best buds.” James brushed the red hair from her shoulders and hugged her lovingly between kisses.

“James.” Lily put a hand between them and looked at his face. “Is there something else you’re not telling me?”

“Of course not honey.” He looked at her strangely. “Wait, you’re not thinking…”

“It makes sense, tho…”

“It does not, Lily. You are crazy.” He laughed nervously.

“Think about it!” She completely pulled away, sitting on the edge of the bed. “Why did he hide it from Remus for so long? Remember how he reacted about him being at the pub? He just came out with me next week and still asked me again not to tell Rem.”

“He had his reasons, it took him a while to tell Peter and the others too. Whatever, he’s out now and we should be happy and not meddling.”

“So you agree then,” she exclaimed. “It would be meddling because _there’s something_.”

“Honey, there’s no way there’s something between them. They’re like brothers, it’ll be so gross.”

“No, you and Sirius are like brothers. And Rem and I, sort of.” She trailed away. “But they always had a weird thing going on. I used to believe Sirius was _only joking,_ -cause you know, he's Sirius- but, the more I think about it, the more I believe he kind of always flirted with Remus.”

“What the fuck are you talking about?” James' nervous smile began to waver.

“Remember last year, when Remus got his heart broken by Caradoc?” The mere memory made her shudder with sorrow. “How Sirius acted with Remus?”

“Yeah, he was a good buddy.” James looked away. “What about it?”

“Seriously? We are not talking about how he spent weeks practically living in his house? Being so overprotective all summer? And stuck to his ass the whole trip to the cabins?”

“You’re reading too much into it.” James ran his hand through his hair, laughing jittery.

“They have been weird for weeks, is probably a lover’s fight. They’re probably making out on the garage right now,” she said, cheerfully getting up. “If we keep the window open maybe we can hear the sofa springs.”

“Lily! Oh my god!” James couldn't help himself and buried his face in his huge hands.

“I’m just kidding,” she laughed, straddling his lap and kissing his cheek and jaw.

“You made me imagine it.” He flopped down on the mattress, limp. “I’m not in the mood anymore.”

“Buzzkill,” she giggled, not believing him for halfasecond.

* * *

_Fucking James_. Sirius let out a grunt and tossed the keys of the garage in the air, the ones he had just left him to lock after they went home. He didn't want to have to deal with it, but James had given him one of those looks that they shared without even having to speak. _Fix it. NOW. We're fed up with your shit already. Also, your hair is flawless today, by the way_. Sirius knew exactly what James was thinking, sometimes even before James thought of it.

He made himself useful and collected the cans the guys had left on the pool table, tossing them into a plastic bag. He heard footsteps behind him and did his best not to turn around and look at Remus. He didn't even know how to talk to him anymore. The other day he had exploded with him and had let out a lot more than he originally intended.

Remus said nothing, and Sirius allowed himself to glance at him. He was cleaning up the makeshift table with bricks and a board between the couches and chairs. One of the cans was not completely empty when he hastily picked it up and accidentally splashed beer and cigarette butts on his clothes. ”Fuck!” he cursed under his breath.

Sirius rolled his eyes and walked over to him, picking up the rest of the trash from the floor. Remus removed his stained sweater, revealing a white undershirt tucked into his pants. _Of course you tuck your shirt. Nerd_. He went to the kitchen sink to clean his clothes and Sirius closed the garbage bag, leaving it right at the door.

He was tempted to leave, cursing himself when he remembered he hadn't taken his jacket from across the room and he also would have to talk to Remus to give him the keys and have him lock after he left, instead. He decided to sit on the couch and wait for the other boy to leave first, or to dare taking the first step and speak.

Sirius rolled a joint to keep himself entertained for the time being. He was used to chill on James’ garage, even alone, whenever things at home where more difficult than most days. Usually around winter time, unable to hang out in the open because of bad weather. He felt a pang of nostalgia remembering last Christmas on the hill.

Remus left the soaked sweater spread out on the back of a chair and sat with him on the couch, in silence. Neither of them broke it, and after a while Sirius couldn't take it anymore and offered him the joint without looking at him. Remus picked it up slowly, muttering a thank you. Sirius leaned his head back on the couch, wheezing heavily.

“I didn’t say it to offend you.” Remus voice came out from nowhere. “I just noticed and pointed out the fact,” he spoke in a low voice. “It looks good on you, for what is worth.”

“Thank you. I don’t do it for other people to like it, though. I do it because _I_ like it.” Sirius was still angry, maybe not as much as before.

“I know.” Remus made a pause. “I still think it looks good on you.”

Sirius hummed turning his head to glance at his friend. Remus' face was an apology and a prayer at the same time. Sirius suddenly felt bad, a weight on his chest made him change the defiant expression he had given him lately. It made Remus talk again, slightly more confident.

“Why have you never told me anything?” now he sounded wounded. “You said you don’t have to justify yourself to my, and I’m not asking for it. But I thought we… I don’t know.”

“I told you I was queer. I didn’t know how to explain the rest,” Sirius confessed embarrassed.

“Yeah, well. It sucks, Sirius. I’ve always told you everything. _Everything_.” Remus raiser his voice at the last part.

“Yeah, only because I’ve _always_ cared enough to ask,” Sirius pointed frowning.

“That’s not fair. You know you can always count on me.” Remus led out a sigh. “Fuck, Sirius. I know you better than anyone, I know when you don’t want to be asked about things. I knew something was off, but I trusted you would tell me eventually.” He glanced at him, from top to bottom. “And suddenly you’re like, I don’t know. I don’t understand.” Remus shook his head. “I’m not asking for a justification, but if you need me to ask, then just help me understand you better.”

“I’m still me, okay? Don’t freak out.” Sirius felt as scared as Remus looked.

Remus shot his eyes closed. “I’m not freaking out, just curious about… _this_.”

“I’m comfortable on my own skin, if that’s what you are asking.” Sirius turned to face him. “I’m a man, I’m aware and I don’t want to change that. But sometimes I feel like that’s not _all_ I am. I’m not saying I’m gender-fluid. Or fuck, who knows? Maybe that's it. Who cares how we call it, really? But all I’m saying, right now, is that I don’t believe in gender rules and social constructs.” He was still a little wary to elaborate further on that.

Remus cleared his throat. “There’s something you got wrong, Sirius. Or you missed information, at least.” Remus clasped his hands in his lap. “I don’t know what Tonks exactly told you about us, but we didn’t end things because I misgender them or treated them badly. I wasn’t aware of everything, at first. We had a good thing going on, but we just grew apart, and nothing could be done.”

“No, Nym never told me you were bad or anything. I just took on that because of the way you always talked about them.”

“That’s the thing.” Remus looked at him with a significant look. “Neither of us were totally honest at some points.”

“What do you mean?” Sirius tilted his head.

“I don’t blame Tom for anything,” Remus started to speak carefully. “And I don’t want to talk about what they did wrong, or not. But I’m not saying I blame myself, either. I’m not fitted to be in an open relationship and that was what we had. I wasn’t comfortable, I tried my best being there for my partner but I just kept stumbling against a wall.” He smiled sadly. “Tom never gave me a chance to get to know who they was and really fall in love, and even if they did, I don’t think I could have." Remus paused briefly to clear his throat and look away. "I can’t be in a relationship having somebody else on my mind.”

Sirius had no thoughts, head empty. “Oh,” he managed to say.

“Yeah, I mean.” Remus spoke lauder. “Tom was really great. But I’m just not like you, or them. I’m sorry. There’s nothing wrong about doing things like you do, casual sex with whoever you want to, whenever you want to. But I’m not comfortable, it’s just not for me.”

“No, I get it. Believe me I get it.” Sirius rapidly found his voice back. “I didn’t know you ended thing because of that.”

“It’s all right. We remain friends, I have nothing against Tonks.”

“Since we’re being honest,” Sirius trailed. “I know what people at school think about me, or ever you and our friends, whatever. I’m not saying is unjustified, but is just not all there is. And you confronted me because I’ve always been with girls and not one guy that you knew of–”

“Oh, shit. Sirius I’m sorry, I never meant to–”

“No, it’s fine. There’s a reason for it. Despite being with a lot of women, _whatever that means_ , I’ve never used anyone or shit like that.” Sirius smiled bitterly, looking into the distance. “I, well, we always spoke our minds and were clear about being open, in any relationships, but at the same time took care of each other needs. It didn’t mind to me if the other person were with me for a month or a day, I always made sure not to neglect their personal needs, their feelings. I remain friends with most of them nowadays.”

“What… are you trying to say?” Remus asked slowly, unsure.

“You see…” Sirius said shyly. “I’ve never actually been with a guy, not because I’m not attracted to guys, because…” he lowered his voice. “I really am. But that’s not the point.” He raised his gaze again. “Women are more inclined to be self-conscious about caring for feelings as much as sex in a relationship, and I never felt safe enough with a man before.” Sirius heart was beating fast, but he remained calm on his spot.

“Oh.” Remus looked as puzzled as he sounded.

“And there are more things I don’t really feel like telling you about. Not because I don’t trust you, but because maybe I’m not ready to talk about it.” Sirius hid the shudder from his voice. “But I want you to know that Jade and Amber are friends, and we met in a very unusual situation, so to speak.” He raised a hand to his hair nervously. “The truth is, they know me, and I trusted them enough to have that intimacy. Not because I was horny, or wanted to brag about having a threesome. Actually, I wish nobody knew,” he said bitterly. “But I needed to be with someone, I really needed to be hold and feel, I don’t know. Cared for. Sex can be more than _wham, bam, thank you ma'am_.”

When he finished speaking, they fell into a silence very different from the rest of the awkward silences they had lived the last few days.

Remus spoke after a long pause, in an indecipherable tone. “Did it work, then?”

Sirius nibbled at his lower lip. Took a deep breath. “No.” He looked up. “Not at all.”


	13. Lights and shadows

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick recall to know where we're at in this painfully delayed slowburn.  
>  They are in the third, -more likely fourth- week of January, being a long month. It has been almost a month since the Christmas they spent together on the hill, a couple of weeks since the party with the horrible three-way finale, and a week since they FINALLY began _communicating_.  
>  Yeah so, the story started at the end of October, it only took them three fucking months to _talk_. Hopefully they'll be holding hands next summer? Who knows, maybe they'll be kissing sooner than expected. Or not. Muahahha. I know you hate me. I regret **nothing**.
> 
> The songs for this chapter:
> 
> [MISSIO - I See You](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=506k3_V4z7o)
> 
> [Ben Howard - Promise](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hPhqGmtEfYI)

[MISSIO - I See You](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=506k3_V4z7o)

It was a nice January afternoon, not too warm, nor cold. They were both sitting on the benches, going over their applied trigonometry notes from that morning. Lily had tied her hair into a huge bun by poking a blue pen into the tangle of silky red hair.

James was already getting riled up about the game scheduled at the end of March, even if they had still ages to prepare, and Remus could hear him yelling at his teammates without the faintest idea what his prompts meant. Remus had nothing against sports, he was actually quite athletic himself and switched from swimming to Track and field at the age of thirteen, when he pulled a stretch and his back and shoulders became too wide to sweem. But he had always avoided contact sports out of fear that the other boys would feel uncomfortable because of his sexuality.

He watched as one of the team players, a tall red-haired boy with a back almost as wide as his' tackled Sirius to the ground with ease. The play continued with another player, a shorter one, running with the ball in hand to the opposite part of the field, where James waited for him to thwart his attempt to score.

He saw the tall man, Gideon, or maybe it was his brother Fabian, picking up Sirius from the ground and helping him up, patting his back in a friendly gesture. They both talked for a while, openly showing physical contact, laugh carelessly. Remus wondered how comfortable Sirius was with the other boy. He always thought the Prewett twins were both lovely boys. Maybe that was the kind of boy Sirius needed to feel safe, just as he had told him the other night.

The whistle sounded from somewhere on the field and his reverie ended. He turned in embarrassment, hoping Lily hadn't seen how he was staring -almost drooling, to be honest- at the players, but he didn't find his friend, realizing that he was so self-absorbed that she must had left minutes ago and he didn't even notice. James was nowhere on sight either, and he assumed they already had sneaked out together.

A player was approaching the benches where he was sitting, walking calmly while removing his helmet and brushing his soaked black hair from his face. Remus' stomach lurched. He thought for a moment that it was kind of Sirius to keep his shirt on, for once, to talk to him after practice, until he saw the fibers stick to the sweaty skin of his chest. A striking image came to his mind and he closed his eyes, trying to erase it from his imagination.

“Hey,” Sirius greeted him with a wide smile. “What do you think?” he asked pointing to the team. “D’you think we could win the game?”

“I have no idea about football, and you know that.” Remus's voice was, as always, calm. “I wasn’t really paying attention to the game, just hanging with Lily.”

Sirius ignored the fact that Lily was nowhere on sigh and just kept smiling, making Remus a bit uncomfortable. Usually they teased each other constantly, he wasn’t used to this new thing, when Sirius was just nice to him for apparently no reason.

“I’m still having troubles believing your queerness, you know?” Remus decided to start their comfortable familiar dinamic hassle this time. “Right now you look way too macho.” He added a cheeky smile for good measures.

“Yeah?” Sirius seemed stuck at first, but he smiled again. “I could say the same thing about you. Isn’t it too girly for you, giant _stud_ , to come here to cheer for me?”

Remus felt the tips of his ears burn. “It's not me who would look great wearing the cheerleader uniform, with a matching skirt and fitted top.”

“I see that you have thought a lot about the subject.” Sirius raised his eyebrows in a suggestive gesture, licking the tips of his lips with his tongue. “Didn’t know you had those kinks, moony.” He looked at him blatantly, making him flinch. “Good to know.”

Before Remus could find a good enough counterattack, he turned around and ran to the locker room. He wondered if it might not have been the best time to ask Lily to do him a favor.

* * *

[Ben Howard - Promise](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hPhqGmtEfYI)

He waited a while outside the showers, not wanting to share the space with the other guys after the innuendo. He wasn’t bothered by others’ nudity at all, never cared to look at them for more than the usual casual banter and teasing among them. But he didn’t want them to see his half hard cock after talking to Remus.

He stripped down to his boxer shorts, opening the locker and taking out his shower gear. James came out of the steaming corner and begun dressing next to him.

“Where were you? I thought you had sneak out with Lily. She wasn’t with Lupin.”

He gave him an enigmatic smile. “Yeah, she asked me for a favor. Was pretty quick, though.”

“Dude, gross. Keep that to yourself,” Sirius said.

James laughed, unusual for how much he used to respect his privacy with his girlfriend. “Don't you forget something?” he asked smirking.

Sirius looked at the towel and toiletry bag in his hands, shaking his head. James rolled his eyes, still grinning like an asshole, and pulled on his sneakers.

“Look twice,” he told him criptically before leaving the room.

Sirius closed the locker for the moment and stepped into the shower, stripping away from the others. When he was done, he went back to get his things, pulling out his backpack first to put his sweaty sportswear and soaked towel in the plastic bag at the bottom. His fingers found a hard object at the bottom he didn't remember putting in and he pulled it out curiously.

It was a flat object, smaller and lighter than a book, wrapped in black paper and with a small note attached _._ A small smile appeared on his face, wondering what the present was about.

_‘Open it when you are alone.’_

_‘R’_

There were still a few guys in the locker room and he decided to get dressed as quickly as possible and hit the road on his way home sooner than later. His parents were back on a business trip, and when he got home he found his food cold on the kitchen table with a silver lid to preserve it. No trace of his brother, thankfully.

He microwaved it and took the steps to his room two at a time with the steaming plate in his hands. He closed the latch on his room out of habit and began to eat the pasta sitting at the desk, taking the packaging from the backpack. He opened the wrapper by peeling off the tape without tearing the paper. He pulled the box out of the papers and smiled wide-mouthed, forgetting the food forever.

It was a makeup set with forty different shades, browns from sand to warm terracotta to dark chocolate; grays from pearl to wolf gray, including silver and charcoal. There was a line with fancy colors: electric purples, ultramarine blues, bright golds.

He stared at the color palette for a long time, imagining the possibilities and combinations, before carefully picking up the little black sponge brush that came with the set. But he didn't dare touching the dusty shadows out of fear of breaking them. He sometimes wore makeup when he was alone, but he never did it for real. It used to be Tonks who did his makeup the few times he had dared to go out in public with his eyes shaded, lately Lily had offered herself to do it as well.

But this was different, he didn't want to share it with the girls. He turned around in his desk chair to get his phone and a small mirror from one of the drawers, and the movement dropped another note from inside the wrapper that he hadn't seen before. He took it with nervous hands and read the letter twice, grinning like a fool.

_‘I hope this shows you how much I appreciate and support you. I can't wait to see how you look and criticize your amateur techniques.’_

_‘Moony’_

Completely cold and forgotten, his dinner had sat on one end of the desk for hours. Sirius spent the night watching tutorials on youtube on how to match the colors on his eyelids, trying out some shadows, and marveling at what people managed to do online.

It was one in the morning when the cat suddenly came through the window, scaring him out of his reverie. He closed the makeup set and carefully placed it along with the other treasures that he did not want his parents or anyone else to discover, locking the box after.

He sat on the window frame with a rolled cigar and took the note from the desk. He read it again, still smiling. He folded it a few times and hid it in his mobile phone case with the key, unlocking it to write a thank you message. But his cigar burned out, and the cat had already eaten half his dinner, and he still couldn't find the words he wanted to say to him.


	14. AND?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING. Cute chapter ahead, read carefully :)  
> It's the thing about communication, and don't get me started about honesty. We must follow their example.  
> Follow suit, damn it!

Remus changed his clothes three times that Monday afternoon, finally opting to wear the same sweater he had worn that morning to school, fearing he would notice his excessive care.

He was usually a neat guy, he liked to dress well enough. With clothes that would flatter his figure to some extent, but without being too noticeable. Today he was wearing plain dark jeans, but not too tight, and a brown sweater that, to be quite honest, fitted him enough to highlight the muscles on his chest and arms

He was a bit embarrassed to dress up so much to see his friend, after all there was nothing but friendship between them. Remus hadn't stop repeating that same mantra to himself since they finally spoke in James' garage last week, but part of him still fidgeted as he remembered how Sirius had smiled at him.

Sirius had been waiting for him before the first period that morning, leaning against his locker. He thanked him for the present with all the extravagant politeness that his parents had raised him on, almost making Remus fall baffled. It was really weird, considering Remus had the package dropped off for him at the locker last week, and they'd seen each other that weekend, when they all got together for a drink. But that was the first time they had talked alone in quite some time.

He had almost left, but Sirius turned on his heels at the last moment and _informed_ Remus that he was going to take him out for lunch that afternoon in gratitude, and that he would text him when he was going to pick him up.

Just as it had been happening to him for some time, Remus hadn't had a chance to reply. He wasn't sure if it was because Sirius always disappeared when things escalated, or if Remus just lost words talking with him more often now, and for the first time in his life, too.

Remus heard the engine of his bike outside his house, but he avoided leaning out the window to check if it was him. The text arrived before the roar died down. He climbed down the stairs and said goodbye to his father, seating in front of the TV on his day off.

Sirius was waiting for him at the other side of the street, leaning against the huge gray and black metallic machine that he liked to pretend was alive and was _His Girl_. He had his helmet in hands and all he did to greet Remus was to sheathe his head and fasten it tightly.

“If you lose it out there again, I'll crack your head open with it,” Sirius said, but his voice was more amused than angry.

Remus tried to hold onto Sirius' waist as little as possible during the ride, but Sirius found his sudden shyness amusing and dedicated himself to braking and accelerating, making the taller guy to squeeze in as well as have to hold as to not falling from the bike, until at last he earned a shouted scold from Remus.

They parked near a vegan restaurant place they both liked. Remus was a big meat eater and Sirius never tried to convince him otherwise, but whenever they got together for lunch or dinners, they usually went to vegan places, or at least vegan-friendly. Sirius’ entirely family were hunters and he hated it as much as he hated them for being gun supporters. He hadn’t eaten corpses since as long as he could remember, as he always said it to Remus.

Remus liked the texture and flavor of the seitan with which they cooked the usually carnivorous dishes in that place. Remus blushed when he noticed Sirius looking away from him eating a hot dog. He was pretending to be busy with the fries, resting his face in the palm of his hand.

Remus stopped eating with his hands and asked a waiter who passed by the table for a knife and a fork, embarrassed of everything he did. He was embarrassed to be embarrassed of eating with his hands, as he had always done in this restaurant, almost as much as he was embarrassed to order cutlery now. He was almost as embarrassed as he was nervous to be alone with Sirius.

He took a deep breath and focused on the other man in front of him. Remus spotted that he wasn't wearing any makeup and got a little sad thinking that he didn't like his gift that much. Sirius must have noticed the sudden change.

“Is your fake meat wrong? We can go anywhere else instead,” Sirius offered.

“No, I love this place every time, you know it,” Remus assured him.

“Then why do you look like pouting?” he asked half smiling.

“I was just wondering.” Remus set the fork at his hand aside. “Sorry if you didn’t like my present. It was a dumb thing to give you.”

“What? No, I loved it! I love it.” Sirius insisted. “Why would you say that?”

“I just thought you would wear it or something, I don’t know.” Remus ran a hand through his curly hair. “Maybe you’re not comfortable with me yet. Sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything.” He hid his entire face behind a single hand. “God, I’m such an idiot right now. I keep saying the wrong shit.”

“Don’t worry about it, is nothing like that.” Sirius chuckled. “Actually, I’m not good enough at it yet, and I usually just wear eyeliner or gloss, if I feels like it at all,” he lowered his head. “And only among friends, and that _obviously_ includes you.” Sirius scratched the table absently. “But we are in a public dining room, and I’m still shy about it.”

“Now that you say it it’s obvious.” Remus moved his hand slightly from his face. “Sorry. Am I being an idiot?”

Sirius laughed with bright eyes. “Yeah. And suck a dork.”

Remus dropped the hand from his face to the table and shut closed his eyes, pressing his lips together. He leaned his head back and hummed uncomfortable.

“What is it?” Sirius asked playfully, kicking him under the table.

“I’m… angry. I think.”

“What? Whatever for?” For some reason this situation had Sirius incredibly entertained.

“Because I don’t _think_. I thought you would wear makeup and I never even considered all the implications, or how close to your house we are. I’m selfish and self-centered, you were right about that. I’m sorry.”

“I don’t recall calling you that things. But whatever, I still don’t understand."

“Lately I’ve been wondering, and I kind of wanted to know how you look when you are full on makeup and dressed up like you really want to. I know it’s just aesthetics, but I feel angry for not being able to see you, fully as you are, after so many years.”

Sirius bit his lower lip, not laughing anymore. “You really mean that?”

“Of course,” Remus said softly.

After a moment of hesitation, Sirius pulled out his phone and scrolled over the screen, finally showing him a picture. Remus stared at it for a long time. He would have never recognized him if it wasn’t because of his black long hair, still different than the usual carefully disheveled look.

He didn’t look like his usual self, but he didn’t look so different either. Sirius wasn't wearing much makeup at all, or at least he didn't look like it. Maybe a set of smoky eyeshadows, matching a semitransparent shirt, the color of the early morning sea, unbuttoned and leaving one shoulder exposed. His long eyelashes fell framing a glare, his lips shone pink and parted, cheeks slightly rosy. Remus gulped at the sight, acknowledging how ethereal Sirius looked.

Remus felt the air leaving his lungs, he had been silent for too long. “Wow.” His mouth was dry.

“Well? Do you have a verdict?” Sirius asked, voice slightly afraid.

“You look stunningly beautiful.” Remus' ears became dangerously hot. “I mean, is clearly still you, but I’ve never seen you like that.”

Sirius picked up his phone and searched for other photos, showing him other takes. “I’ve never showed this to anyone before. I hope is not too much,” he said hesitantly shy.

“Not at all,” Remus said quickly. “I really like it. Is amazing, Sirius. Truly.”

Sirius smiled again and continued showing him photos and some online videos of things he wanted to do with the palette that Remus had given him. They spent hours talking about it, Sirius assured him that the gift was precious and thanked him fondly. Remus was sure his cheeks were beyond flushing pink when he said it was nothing.

“I’m just happy to finally see you smile so widely, after all we've been through,” Remus said hoarsely.

There was a moment when Sirius left his hand on the table and Remus felt the urge to reach out and take it, but he hold back and bit his lip instead.

As the sun began to set, they left the restaurant and Sirius led him home in silence. Remus held tight onto the helmet as Sirius walked close to him to the very door of his house. The lights were off in the living room, some crickets could be heard in the garden. Remus stood without opening the door, unsure what to do next.

Sirius leaned in slightly, pulling his hands out of his pockets and clenching his fingers nervously. Remus looked him in the eye and what he found shocked him. The expression on Sirius' face was one of utter vulnerability.

“Do you think I’m weird, or… wrong?” He asked in a whisper, almost voiceless.

“No!” Remus raised a hand and almost brought it to his cheek, catching Sirius' forearm instead. “So you like dressing feminine clothes, that doesn’t scare me. You are still Sirius.” He smiled fondly at him, speaking lower. “I’m truly sorry for not being there for you all this time. I only wish you could have trusted me sooner with everything.”

“That’s not everything,” Sirius whispered, looking at his feet. “There’s more, but you wouldn’t… like it.”

“There’s nothing about you I could possibly not like,” Remus found himself saying. He was still holding Sirius forearm, and somehow he lowered his hand to his wrist, rubbing his fingers smoothly on his skin.

Sirius looked into his eyes, blinking slowly, taking his breath away. Remus shivered when Sirius put a hand on his own hip and lowered the waistband of his pants a few inches. What he saw left him speechless, his gaze unfocused.

A pink lace fabric tightened against the smooth skin of Sirius' hip.

 _Oh my god_. His brain was shocked. _Sirius is wearing panties_. Dead brain cells, garnishing the walls of his skull. _Not only panties, but fucking lingerie_. Remus stopped breathing. _He has been wearing this under his clothes, all this fucking time_. He didn't notice when the helmet fell from his hands. _Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, FUCK_. When did Remus start getting so hard?

He came to himself when Sirius' voice sounded suddenly distant. “Please don’t hate me. I’ve never showed this to anyone else before.” Sirius looked vulnerable and scared again, his eyes were brightly wide opened.

Remus had made the mistake of not reacting on time before, but now his body reacted instinctively, grabbing his arm so he wouldn't run away. He still didn't know what to say. Sirius looked off into the distance, unable to meet Remus' gaze, terrible embarrassed.

“I’m sorry. I should just go,” he said in a broken voice.

Remus pulled him close in a hug, stroking his back with his fingers. “Everything is fine, Sirius,” he told to the black long hairy head leaning on his shoulder. “You’re safe,” he whispered, squeezing a little.

Thankfully, Remus didn't have a boner anymore, all the arousal went completely away the moment he saw Sirius' scared face. Hopefully, he didn't notice it at any time. Sirius slowly pulled away after a while.

“Thanks,” he mumbled. “But I’m gonna go now,” he whispered staring at the ground.

“Are you okay?” Remus tightened his grasp on Sirius hand before letting him go.

“Yeah, but thanks.” He looked to his face for a second with puffy bright eyes.

Sirius walked away from him, disappearing around the corner of his fence and leaving a puzzled Remus behind him.

Remus didn't bother to eat dinner that night, too flustered to put something on his stomach. He considered writing a text message apologizing for his reaction, or asking him if he was okay. He opted to take a cold shower and try to deal with it in the morning, but his cell phone rang as he returned to his room with a towel tied around his waist.

> **Sirius** & _Remus_
> 
> **Thank you**
> 
> **For everything**
> 
> **I’m okay**

Remus's hands shook, remembering everything that had happened. He hesitated on what to answer, taking a deep breath.

> _I’m glad_
> 
> _And I meant it_
> 
> _Really_
> 
> **What do you mean?**
> 
> _When I said everything was fine_
> 
> _Everything is fine and_
> 
> **And?**

Remus deleted three times what he wrote, fingers trembling.

> _You are beautiful_

His heart beat in his throat waiting for a reply. The three dots appeared and disappeared from the screen a couple of times. He stared at the phone for ten minutes, afraid he had scared him away, until it buzzed again and his soul fell to his feet.

> **I’m scared as shit, moony**
> 
> _I’m sorry_
> 
> _I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable_
> 
> _Shit_
> 
> _Forget I ever said it_
> 
> **No**
> 
> **You didn’t**
> 
> **I don’t want to forget that**
> 
> _I’m scared too_
> 
> **And…**
> 
> _And?_
> 
> **Just.**
> 
> **And,**
> 
> **And.**
> 
> _Okay..._
> 
> **Good night Moony.**
> 
> _Good night, Sirius._

Remus didn't get much sleep that night, he kept thinking about the first picture Sirius had showed him. Every time he closed his eyes, he kept seeing Sirius’ pink parted lips framed with rosy cheeks. He almost could feel his eyelashes fluttering, staring back at him. At one point, his mind went full on kamikaze and the hypothetical scenario of Sirius opening his holy blushed mouth for something more than just _talk_ had him over the edge. He imagined himself ripping the buttons off an early morning sea shirt and stretching pink lace fabric until the skin underneath was scratched and scarred. He almost felt bad when he couldn't bear the pressure on his crotch any longer and remembered a distant night, hiding by the shadow of the lockers, Sirius hands in his chest, Remus nudging his shirt, their legs entangled into one another, as he came loudly on his hands.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PS. Tell me what you think about the text messages format, or well, whatever you thinkg about the chapter really, lol. They are dumb and dork but so sweeeeeeeeeeet.  
> PS2. Oh oh! Also, is it worth putting a warning for sexual content just for the last paragraph? It's like, yeah whatever, Remus jerks off, but seriously, to me it doesn't seem like a biggie. Anyway, tell me?


	15. Remember to blink

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if this chapter has a lot of grammar mistakes or punctuation errors, I haven’t had the time to review it and the truth is that I do not have Betas.  
> ¯\\_( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)_/¯  
> But it doesn't bother me much really, I do it for the fun!  
> Hope you have fun reading too :)

The last week of January came and went, spiced up with a few friendly comments and little else. Sirius had fallen into a spiral of internalized panic and didn't know how to rise to the surface.

The interview with his father's senior friend was getting dangerously close, and his mother had given him a lecture on proper manners and threatened again to shave his head if he didn't get rid of his hairy mess.

His brother Regulus had taken care of embarrassing him on Sunday afternoon, showing up unannounced in his bedroom with a very old book from one of the founders of the school where he was supposed to be interviewed shortly. He showed him the illustrations and urged him to comb his tangle of black curls for dinner with his parents, claiming he was too fed up with Sirius' "insistence on looking like a poor homeless whimpering, and constantly attracting his parents' attention".

He still wore his straightened hair in a braid at the bottom of his skull on Monday morning, knowing that if he let it go it would be even more ridiculous, although at least he had gotten rid of the black felt bow.

His pants vibrated in the middle of chemistry class and he turned to meet a mischievous grin, two seats to the left.

> **Sirius** & _Remus_
> 
> _Hi there, Pipi_ _Langstrump_
> 
> **Ain’t wearing Long socks?**
> 
> **Asshole**
> 
> _Nice braiding_
> 
> _What happened to you?_
> 
> _18th century much?_
> 
> **Shuddup**
> 
> **Regulus’ experiment**
> 
> **Believe me, less painful option**
> 
> _Pretty experiment_
> 
> _I’ll thank him laters_
> 
> **You’re loving this**
> 
> **Aren’t you**
> 
> _I’d kill to see the painful option_
> 
> **I’ll give you pain if you don’t shut up**

Sirius heard a chuckle to his left and turned around his face, avoiding Slughorn gaze’s. Remus was slightly flushed, not looking in his direction and staring at his notes and book with the tip of a pen caught in his lips.

They hadn't done that for some time. Fool around? Tease each other? _Flirt_? Sirius wasn't sure what Remus was doing. He had been repeating himself for years that he didn't like his friend _that way_. Until recently, when he had begun to realize that he was a complete jerk for not noticing earlier. He was rethinking everything. The foundations of his entire life.

Remus was the funniest person he had ever met: witty, cheeky, with a serious, reserved demeanor that did not reveal the real intentions on his scathing remarks. Modestly attractive but in a way too obvious for Sirius' sake. Sexy in such a subtle way that it went unnoticed, unless he smiled in that unusual way that lit up the room and part of the sky, without even trying.

He was his best friend. What the hell was he thinking? James was practically his brother, and Peter was and would be his faithful friend for life, but Remus?

Remus was his _best friend_.

Remus had been by his side when they were twelve years old and her cousin Bellatrix had broken his nose playing hide and seek on her birthday. He went to see him at the hospital and smuggled so much chocolate in his corduroy pants that, between the wound on his nose and how quickly he ate, he ran out of breath.

His father Lyall let him stay that night, probably because he felt pity for Sirius, his own parents leaving him alone with the housekeeper to give him a ride home the next day. Remus had fallen asleep with his mouth smeared with chocolate and Sirius had thrown his own hospital sheets over him.

Sirius was the one holding his hand at fifteen, during the entirety of his mother's funeral. He was the one who stayed by his side every night his father was absent, taking double shifts at the hospital, because the pain of being home without Hope was unbearable for both.

He was the one who waited patiently, and helped him sort out what he would keep and what he would donate when Remus was ready to. Sirius helped him move the wall piano, too painful for Remus to see it every day in the living room. Listening to him as he played Clair de Lune for the last time in the dark attic, specks of dust lightened through the roof skylight.

He still remembered the weeks that Remus had been locked in the house without answering his friends' messages after Caradoc Dearborn dumped him tactless after dating for a year, in front of the whole school. Sirius ended up climbing up to his bedroom on the fourth day, holding the bag of junk food in his mouth. He only fell once, and landed in the hedge.

He still could remember vividly his best friend's heartbroken face. He couldn't do that to him again. Remus longed for love, Remus deserved love. Sirius didn't _do_ love, Sirius didn't _know_ how to do love. He couldn’t do that to his best friend, because his friend didn’t deserve otherwise.

And yet there he was. Jealous of the tip of a pen.

Scared. Bashful about it moving forward. Afraid it wouldn’t. Spooked, petrified.

Remus' smile let go the pen in slow motion, and his big hand slid onto the phone he was hiding under the book. He tilted his head, looking forward, wetting his lips with the tip of his tongue. Sirius' heart skipped a beat when his phone vibrated and he grabbed it before falling off the table. Remus chuckled.

> **Sirius** & _Remus_
> 
> _Remember to blink from time to time._

* * *

Remus was ashamed of himself for being jealous of the numerous times he saw Sirius alone with Lily, having secret whispered conversations and laughing at inside jokes he was not part of. He wasn't sure if he was jealous because he wanted to be with Sirius all the time lately, or if he missed being Lili's only queer friend.

He slammed the locker shut and turned to head to history class with Peter and James, ignoring the footsteps that followed close behind. His phone vibrated silently and his stomach turned over. He ignored him until he entered the classroom and sat in the second row. Taking advantage of Professor Binns' distraction, he unlocked the screen inside the backpack on his knees.

> **Sirius** & _Remus_
> 
> **What happened to your endless collection of sweaters?**
> 
> **Has Lyall finally donated it to charity?**
> 
> _Am I not allowed to wear jumpers?_
> 
> **With that print?**
> 
> **Gooooooey**

Remus looked down at the lunar cycle printed on his brown jumper and grunted.

> _You’re not one to talk about other’s clothes choices, panty lover_
> 
> _Sorry I didn’t mean it that way_
> 
> **I knew it**
> 
> **U R still thinking about that**
> 
> _No am not_
> 
> _Sorry_
> 
> **U wanna know tho**
> 
> _I didn’t mean it in a bad way_

He looked at him apologetically, but Sirius was entertained typing with an impish half-smile. Remus watched in surprise as Sirius glanced at him and he looked away back at the phone quickly.

> **Neither did I**
> 
> **Wanna know?**
> 
> _No?_
> 
> _You have practice this afternoon_
> 
> _You aren’t_
> 
> **You’ve really thought about it huh?**
> 
> _No I didn’t_
> 
> _Shut up_
> 
> _Pay attention to Binns_
> 
> _I won’t give you my notes_
> 
> **S’ok, I’ll have Lils**

Remus locked the phone and threw it into his backpack loudly, making sure the other got the hint. He survived the rest of the soporific class by counting down the minutes until lunch. Sirius made no further attempt to make him nervous in another class for the rest of the day, and Remus was slightly disappointed by the sudden lack of attention.

Later that week, Lily seated with her tray in between Sirius and Pete, engaging as usual in a lively private conversation with the former. James took his place in front of his girlfriend and Remus hesitated briefly before seating across Pete and engaging conversation with both of the guys.

Another flash of envy struck him by surprise, hearing the giggling whispers coming from the other side of the table. He ate the meatballs in bitter silence. He was being dramatic and he made an effort to remind himself that "it wasn’t a competition".

Remus took part adequately in a conversation about sports until James brought up one of his favorite groups giving a concert nearby.

“So, the thing is, guys,” James spoke loudly to get his girlfriend attention. “Death Shitters are giving a concert at the next town, this weekend, and I'm almost sure I can get five tickets.”

Peter agreed instantly. Despite his vanilla appearance, he was a huge punk fanatic and Remus knew he wouldn’t miss the opportunity to get wasted in a shabby concert away from nosy eyes. Remus himself said he would only think about it, but he didn’t dismiss the idea at all. He liked to get rough from time to time. Sirius and Lily stayed mostly silent, crossing glances.

“Who?” she asked dubiously.

“Death Shitters!” James clarified to her, turning towards Sirius. “C’mon bro, you love them!”

“Yeah I do. When?” Sirius said.

“Saturday night! Are you in?”

Sirius crossed another dubious glance with Lily. “I would like to, but we already made plans.”

Remus rolled his eyes unnoticeable. _Of course you have plans, how not_. James insisted incredulously, appealing to his girlfriend.

“No, you’re right,” she gave up. “Sirius, we should go, we can always reschedule.”

Sirius bit his lip angrily and nodded. “Whatever. It’ll be fun.”

“Dude, you don’t sound enthusiastic about it.” James gave him a punch on the arm. “What the fuck! They’re the shitters, bro! THE SHITTERS!”

“Yeah, yeah, alright. Long live the shitters. Whatever, Jay,” Sirius said, still unconvinced.

“Dude, we’re gonna see the shitters! Why aren’t you fucking screaming?” Peter beamed.

“Nonsense, Pete. I’m passionate about it, livid.” Sirius returned to his meal and said nothing else about it.

“Don’t pay attention to him, he’s on his period,” James said to Peter, gaining an insult and a kick from Sirius rustling on the table. “DEATH SHITTERS!” James pounded the table with his fists in eagerly anticipation, followed by Peter.

Lily got up with her empty tray and informed them that she was going to class early, before someone would came to scold them for making a fuss. Remus followed her shortly after, but didn't find her at the class door.

Classes ended a few hours later and Remus spotted Sirius alone in his locker, putting down his books and pulling out his gym bag. He approached him from behind and made a greeting noise to warn him that he was there as well.

“Hey!” Sirius greeted him back, tucking a black long lock behind his ear. “I was going to the field.”

He started off, clutching the strap of his bag, and Remus walked beside him.

“I’m glad you changed your mind about the concert,” Remus said shortly. “It should be fun, even for me.”

“Yeah, you’ll like it. Sometimes it can get wild, but don’t worry about it.”

“Sorry, you had plans with Lily, right?” Remus mentioned doubtfully. “What was that about?”

“Oh, nothing important, really.” Sirius looked away, blushing. “You wouldn't have been interested.”

“Try me.” Remus joked. “Since we’re being honest, I have to tell you something…”

“Aha?” Sirius glanced at him, slowing down.

“I’m kind of feeling left out lately,” Remus admitted sheepishly. “I knows it’s silly, but I can’t help it, I miss spending time with lily.” He lowered his voice. “And with you too, to be honest.”

“Is not silly,” Sirius spoke in a gentle voice. “I felt the same way when you didn’t talk with me about Tonks. I know the feeling.”

“Oh, right,” Remus said knowing. “Well, don’t mind me.”

“Remus, listen, is not like _that_.” Sirius gave him a shove with his shoulder. “Back then, I was worried you could be dating an asshole like last year, and that was the reason why you wouldn’t tell me.”

Remus nodded, biting the interior of his cheek. “Well, I hope you’re not dating an asshole either.”

“Of course not, I’m not…” Sirius blushed a little. “The plan was for us to go shopping, that’s all. Having Lily buy the things I’m… too shy to buy in public.”

“Oh.” Remus suddenly felt foolish. “Sorry for being nosy.”

“Don’t trouble yourself,” Sirius said smiling. “Instead, we’ve thought we could meet at her house early, to _get ready_ for the night, and shit.”

“Sounds like fun,” Remus conceded, taking a deep breath and asking shyly, “would you mind if I come along? I mean, since I’m already going to see you that night, I might as well see the process?”

“Sure, great. Yeah,” Sirius stuttered. “I have to go now. Talk later?”

Remus barely got to said goodbye when Sirius turned his back on him, his eyes instinctively glued to Sirius' perfect round ass as he walked towards the training field. Remus sighed deeply. _What the hell am I doing_?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm 100% positive that I'm in love with both, but if I had to choose... I'll probably choose sudden death cus I can'tttttt  
> what d'you thinkkkkkkkkk?


	16. I am a patient boy, I wait, I wait, I wait, I wait

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter with music!  
> I ended un doing a Spotify list, but you also have the links to YT on the chapter.
> 
> [Kiss me slowly, I'm in a hurry - Wolfstar playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1mV4EptoF0Usr4J98SfUbA?si=S5DECTf0Qvi_xQuGBgYQEA)
> 
> Every scene has its song because the mood keeps changing as the chapter progresses. As always, you can listen to it or ignore it, totally optional. (I would recomend listening, even the name of this chapter AND the next one are related, but whatever, I'l like you the same <3 )  
> I particularly love punk music and I used this songs to get into the scene, since they are in a punk music... Of a group named Death Shitters, pun intended.  
> I regret nothing.  
> ENJOY, MY DUDES!!

One thing led to another and the five of them ended up on James' garage, being too many for Lily’s bedroom. Peter and James came down from his room, having left their bags with the next day's clothes.

The concert would end late, and both Remus' father and Sirius' parents were home for the weekend, so they didn't want to get caught istil dressing the clothes they wore for the occasion. Lyall was too skittish to let Remus go to such events, although he was never averse to a night at his friends' house, and that's what he had told him. Lily's parents didn't care if she spent a few nights with James, after all they would be sharing an apartment in a few months. And Peter had gotten a little wild since he turned eighteen.

Lily took forever to finish Sirius’ makeup. He wore half face perfectly painted for an autumn soiree, in case he would have been a girl in the twentieth century invited to such thing, and the other half of his face was a mess more likely to be on a poster on James’ bedroom. It reminded to Remus of the band Kiss and how their fans used to look like at their concerts. Sirius was exited to be able to wear so much extra makeup in the open, since it wasn't uncommon going to punk concerts with this looks.

“All right! Thanks, Lilyflower.” Sirius gave her a kiss in the cheek and went to the bathroom next door to change his clothes.

“Be super careful not to mess my piece of art!” she warned him.

She began to do Peter’s makeup next. He had painted his nails black and his outfit was dark as well. He held a stubborn look on his face , determined to be as involved as he could that night.

James was making black humor jokes -forgiven the redundancy- about them being dangerously close of doing a blackface. And since they were literally painting part of their faces with black, Sirius suggested for him to have a white face done. He went on an on talking about the meaning of it all, and how punk movements were supposed to be antisystemic, and subvert expectations.

Remus felt guilty for not paying all the attention he should to such an important matter, but he had lost his track of thought staring at Sirius since he returned to the garage, clothes changed. He was wearing a very tight pair of leather pants with a see-through black V-neck shirt that led little to nothing to imagination.

He glanced at his tattoos, strategically placed on his chest so his parents wouldn't know about them being there, and noticed a sparkling ring on one of his nipples. He didn’t know he had it, and felt the urgent need to poke at it.

James was painting his face with a zebra pattern after Sirius' suggest, and Remus seated next to Sirius and asked him to do something to him, not black or white, _just light_. Sirius outlined his eyes in black and smoky eyeshadows, and slowly painted his lips with lipstick, making Remus wince as he lightly brushed the outline with his fingertip to correct it.

They drove to the concert, mostly in James' old car, but Sirius flatly refused to go to a punk concert without his motorcycle, no mattering to him at the slightless how he had to drive for an hour. Remus kept him company on the ride, enjoying how brightly his friend was behaving, compared to the day they decided to attend.

* * *

[Something I Learned Today – Husker Du](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EQfrHkjvx6g)

The concert was outside the populated area, in a close pub. They parked on an esplanade and began drinking, listening to the loud music on the stereo on the back of James’ car. Sirius only drank a single beer can, not wanting to repeat an experience like last time he had drank too much for his own good, or whatever really happened.

He shook the thought in the back of his head for the time being and sat in the open trunk, taking off his jacket and leaving it among his other things, with the rest of his friends' belongings. Remus was sitting next to him, drinking straight out of a gin bottle.

Sirius leaned closer with a mischievous grin. “Don’t get too drunk tonight,” he whispered, almost brushing his ear.

He saw with blatant glee as Remus blushed at his suggestive tone. The rest of their friends surely didn’t notice the mood, for the three of them were already tipsy. Peter was especially loud, singing out of time the hymns of the songs playing. He finished a bottle of vodka by himself and tossed it into one container, missing the shot and earning a well-deserved scolding from Lily.

[Waiting Room – Fugazi](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cMOAXm94VWo)

By the time they entered the room, the pub was already packed. People were quite excited to see the group, and the space was small. The ceiling wasn’t too high, just enough to have the group comfortable scattered on a stage at the back of the room, with the audience crowded around.

Sirius and James escorted the rest of them up to the front, elbowing accordingly for the surroundings. James and Peter remained on either side of Lily when the concert began, saving her from the jumps and bumps of the audience going wild around her as the songs followed one another..

Sirius was bewildered, shouting all the songs of the group he knew so well from the back of his friend head. He was standing close behind of him, against the fence that separated them from the stage. He glanced around to see the amusing scene of a very drunk Peter, shaking his head to the beat of to the singer's hoarse cries, a few meters apart from them. Lily and James were nowhere in sight since a few songs ago.

He stepped a bit closer to Remus, partially hugging him. One hand on Remus’ navel and the other one clasped on the fence, keeping them steady and apart from the movement around. He felt audacious for the night, pushed to be bold by the fierce enclose. He rested his chin on his taller friend's shoulder, squeezing their bodies a little tighter.

Remus made an awkward movement with his neck, avoiding brushing his mouth. “I thought in this sort of plays, people didn’t dance like this,” he shouted loudly enough to be heard. “You’re kind of swinging, you know?” He put his large hand on Sirius' arm, reinforcing their grip to the fence.

Sirius pulled his hips away a little. “I’m comfortable enough just hearing the music this close to the bass,” he said to Remus’ ear. “But we can jump too, if you want.”

He showed him how to do it, laping and brushin his back with the movement. He was delighted to see how Remus was aroused by the contact, without moving away from him.

Reus turned his face again. “Stop, I'm a little dizzy from the booze.” His warm breath caressed Sirius’ cheek.

Sirius stopped jumping and put both hands on Remus's waist and hip. “I asked you not to drink too much,” he whispered almost inside his ear. “I don’t want you do get drunk tonight.”

Remus gripped the bar of the fence and spoke, after a moment's hesitation. “And why is that?”

“You know why.” Sirius brushed his ear, heart skipping a beat.

[Circles – Dag Nasty](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vyx4JeyMJE0)

Remus didn’t respond and Sirius moved away a few inches after the song finished, as much as the crowd of people surrounding them allowed him to. Afraid he had crossed a line Remus didn’t want to cross, he took his hands away from him when the next song started, swearing under his breath. His friend turned to glance at him and gave him a smirk, taking his hand to pull him close again. Sirius nibbled his lower lip and followed willingly, clasping their intertwined hands.

Sirius placed his free hand on his thigh, and slowly pulled it up until his fingers found one of the belt holes on his jeans and stayed there. Remus leaned his head on Sirius' shoulder smiling, leaving his extremely long, freckled neck exposed. Sirius swallowed a snort and bit the inside of his own cheek, tasting metal.

He pressed his chin to Remus' skin, breathing heavily against the goose bumps emerging in front of him. They swayed for a couple more songs, Sirius closing his eyes shut, overwhelmed by the contact. Sirius twisted his face against Remus' neck, breathing deeply the familiar scent of his skin. He didn’t notice the song had ended, opening his eyes abruptly when Remus turned.

[Should I Stay Or Should I Go – The Clash](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BN1WwnEDWAM)

“I’m gonna grab a drink,” Remus said, turning to the side. “D’you want something?”

“No, thanks.” Sirius tugged his t-shirt. “Nothing too strong.”

“Yes, sir.” Remus rolled his eyes and smirked close to his face. “Don’t move a muscle until I get back.”

Sirius pulled him closer by his grip. “I won’t, but is gonna get even more cramped.”

“I was already convinced,” Remus whispered in his ear. “Five minutes tops.”

Sirius watched him disappear into the crowd and take a very pale Peter with him. He grabbed onto the fence again and focused on the shrill songs playing in front of him, piercing his eardrums. He shook his head to the beat of the bass player's solo. Ten, twenty minutes passed, and he didn't notice that his friends weren't coming back, screaming the lyrics of the songs hysterically.

* * *

[Viet Nam – Minutem](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W5LKJid28xA)

The people around him moved frantically. He tried to follow their movements, jumping in time with the shrill screams, but lost his step. A huge arm grabbed the collar of his shirt and pulled him up.

“Hey, wanna grab some water, Pete?” He sniffed the chocolate and lemon scent before focusing on Remus' face.

“Yah, ‘key.” He put an arm on his friend’s wait to keep himself steady through the walk.

They reached the bar at the back of the room and Remus handled him easily, like a rag doll, leaning him against a pillar and putting an open bottle of water in his hands. He gazed scrutinizing his face, frowning.

“You okay, buddy?” asked Remus in a concerned voice only muffled by the crowd.

“ _Yeah_! Wild _shiet_ , Lupin!” Peter screamed laughing.

Remus drowned half a bottle in one gulp, moving his Adam's apple from his neck and making Peter feel a bit dizzy. He lost his balance and leaned over an unfriendly-looking guy. Remus caught him in time and apologized to the bloke. Peter felt a tug and was dragged into a ramshackle and tattered bathroom.

“Have you seen Lily and James lately?” Remus's voice sounded clearer.

He was apparently leaning his forehead on a cold tile wall, in front of his friend's ass, who was peeing into a urinal with his head twisted, scowling at him. He saw him shake it off and jump a few feet before heading to the sink and washing his hands, wetting his neck with clean water after.

“Pete, are you feeling all right?” His arms pinned him from his armpits against the tiles. “Let's take some air.”

Peter allowed him to led him through the screaming, booming crowd. A couple of blokes knocked him off balance, but Remus' embrace kept him straight until the nightly exterior struck his face cold.

[I Want Some – Beastie Boys](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LUEGnbqW1tU)

His gut churned once more and he held back a gag of sheer miracle. He leaned his head against the bare concrete wall and felt Remus' strong arm grabbing him by the armpits again.

“Lup-Lemus,” Peter said between burps. “I don’t feel so good.”

“Are you all right?” Remus' voice echoed in his head.

Peter bent over at the waist. “I don’t know… I don’t know what’s hap-” He covered his mouth swallowing bile-flavored saliva.

“Woah!” Remus caught him before he fell again.

“I don’t wanna puk-” He held back a barf. “I don’t wanna puke.”

Peter heard Remus through the whistle on his ears without understanding him, but he couldn't to turn around and ask him what he was saying. He felt another surge coming from his stomach and was unable to contain himself any longer, letting his breath out in loud wet coughs.

He opened his eyes after a few minutes of it and found to be kneeling away from a large puddle of vomit. He came to himself little by little, realizing that Remus had grabbed his hair and arms in time and dragged him away to avoid him ending dirty. He coughed a few more times, spitting. Took the bottle his friend offered him and rinsed his mouth.

“Easy, tiger.” Remus helped him up again.

Peter thanked him and pulled back a little, taking a few tentative steps in a straight line. They walked a little more for his head to clear up until Remus stood up and glanced at him.

“So, you haven’t seen them? We should take you to the car.” Remus took out his phone.

Peter drank what was left of the water, feeling better. He was telling Remus that he didn't need to worry, that he wanted to go back to the concert, when they heard agitated footsteps and whining. Remus disappeared for a second, leaving him leant against a car.

[John Frusciante - Murderers](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KnzJtm6h9SE)

“Guys, what the hell? Come, Pete! Fuck!” Remus shouted distressed.

Peter stumbled over his feet, focusing his gaze on the two figures in front of Remus. He suddenly became sober. James' still painted face had stained red in some white spots, his lip was bleeding profusely. He spat out a reddish phlegm.

Lily was holding him by the ribs, tears in her eyes, yelling explanations at Remus. He took James' face in his hands.

“Jay, my buddy, are you okay?” Remus asked with the voice you would use to talk to a child.

“Yeah, I’m just chilling. Fucking bastards.” James broke free of Lily's hold and walked a few steps toward Peter. “I can walk,” he said, stumbling against the shorter guy.

Peter held him easily, to his own surprise. “James, what happened to you?”

“To me?” James snorted, laughing bitterly. “What happened to _you_? You look like shit, Pete.”

“Honey, come. Let’s wait over here.” Lily grabbed their arms. “Sit. You too, Pete, you don’t look so well.”

At some point, without Peter noticing, Remus had disappeared. His head was still spinning, but he tried to focus his attention on what was happening with his friends. Lily asked him if he had threw up and Peter avoided answering.

“I’m fine,” Peter said carelessly. “What happened to him?”

“Skinheads,” Lily said apprehensively.

James kicked the container in front of them in rage. Lily squeezed James's hand.


	17. But don't shoot, shoot, shoot that thing at me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cheer or Fear? The second chapter on the Death Shitters concert is here!  
> Now you have the link toSpotify list, but you also have the links to YouTube during the chapter.  
> [Kiss me slowly, I'm in a hurry - Wolfstar playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1mV4EptoF0Usr4J98SfUbA?si=S5DECTf0Qvi_xQuGBgYQEA)  
> As always, you can listen to it or ignore it, totally optional. I recomend listening, I used this songs to get into the scenes and I added songs from before and I will complete the list with further songs, but up to you!  
> A little disclaimer/spoiler: heavy violence coming. If you don't want to read the violent parts, skip from the third song attached (Values Here – Dag Nasty) to the penultimate (Mickey Mouse is Dead – Subhumans).

[Suicidal Tendencies – Institutionalized](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LoF_a0-7xVQ)

Remus threw open the pub doors, walking briskly through the crowd, earning himself a couple of shoves and insults trying to get to the front. He found Sirius jumping at the spot he had left him waiting. He flung his arms to Remus’ shoulders, pulling him in a sweaty embrace.

“Took you long enough,” he shouted to his face. Sirius grinned at him for a split second before furrowing his brow. “What’s wrong?”

“We have to go,” Remus said.

“What is it? What’s happen?” Sirius asked earnestly.

Remus explained what Lily told him, how some extremists had met Lily and James outside the pub, when they had gone out for some fresh air and a cigarette, and had tried to pick up Lily. James had tried to contain them and defend her, but they ended up showing their true intentions and threatened James for being there, insulting him with racist bigotry and beating him up.

But far from in agreement with the decision to go home next, Sirius was now outraged.

“Ain’t going anywhere, Remus,” he spat bitterly. “Not until I kills those pieces of shit.”

“James is bleeding,” Remus insisted.

“Is he alone?” Sirius asked in concern.

“He’s with Lily and Pete, but-”

“I’m gonna make _them_ bleed.”

Before Remus could say anything else, Sirius was hopping himself to the other side of the fence and into the stage, not without difficulties. A security agent tried to stop him, but the singer of the group let him go up, amused. This was a punk concert after all, Remus thought. They must be used to shit like that.

[K.Flay - Blood In The Cut](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DMA4vDwP7n4)

He watched astonished as Sirius took the microphone from the singer's hands and addressed the audience without wasting a second to explain himself.

“A group of motherfucking fanatics has beaten my friend, just outside this bar!” his face contorted as he screamed. “And if they were men enough to corner a guy and his girl and have their way, then they can try with him now!”

The crowd sounded agitated but Sirius' screams were even more clearly heard. One of the security guards was arguing with the bass player.

“One or more of you on the public is a fucking xenophobic piece of shit! Fuck your white supremacy!” he spat at the crowd, making them scream. “I swear imma fucking make you bleed, bloody skinheads, and regret coming here tonight! D’YOU HEAR THIS?!”

The security man pulled away from the bass player, Remus couldn't hear what they were yelling at each other, agitated. He ran over to Sirius and tried to take the mike from him and push him off the stage. He defended himself and they began a struggle. Eventually the man grabbed Sirius in his huge arms and began to push him away from the group.

Sirius pulled on the mic cable, throwing some of the instruments to the ground. He started yelling at the band now. Remus shuddered in fear at the struggle of the stage.

“You’re a group of phonies! POSERS! FUCKING LOSERS! YOU AIN’T DOING SHIT!” He threw the mike at the group, hitting the head of one of the members. Thankfully, the security guys didn't notice that, but they took him off the stage, although his screams continued to be heard. “You’re worse that they! YOU’RE THE ENEMIE! CHANGE YOUR SONGS, SHITHEADS!” he kept repeating their changed chorus “FUCK THE CHILDREN, SAVE THE POLICE!” over and over again, until they tossed him outside the building.

Remus paid no attention to the crowd's reaction or the musicians' voices, following Sirius outside. He held him when three security officers ruthlessly threw him to the ground and closed the door behind them.

Sirius calmed down, breathing heavily, until he saw his friends and ran towards them with Remus clinging to his back. He was hugging James and speaking in a husky voice, Remus enjoying the short moment of calm. Until a group of skinheads appeared loudly behind them, claiming the fight that Sirius had offered them.

[Values Here – Dag Nasty](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3UJSA0mMPww)

Without a word being said, Sirius threw himself on top of the tallest of all, and tossed him to the ground punching his bold head without any ceremonies. It all happened too fast. Remus heard James agitated voice behind him, asking Lily to take care of a drunken Peter, and suddenly he felt a punch on his stomach that took away his breath.

Remus opened his eyes to a man straddling him to the floor, ready to punch him on the face, but the fist never met his face. A black figure emerged from behind, pulling the bold men in an estrange hug, and Remus saw James engaging with the guy in a heated fight.

He wasted no time to think about how ethical -or not- it was to punch a guy already cornered and connected his fists to his face and stomach. James gave him the last kick, making sure he wouldn’t rise to hit them back.

Remus heard Peter’s scorching voice, but he couldn’t distinguish his words. More guys kept coming for them, he was not sure how much longer they could resist, they were only three and, despite Sirius’ attempt to fight two guys at the same time, his face was bleeding and he looked already too beaten to last another round.

Remus ran to have his way to the smaller dude pulling Sirius hair, and when his fists were not enough and the guy had twisted his arm, he moved his head with all the force he could manage to hit him on the face and bite him when he found flesh. He didn’t unclench his jar until the other guy let go of his arms and he tasted blood. Remus kicked him on the crock and went looking for Sirius, but he didn’t find him.

Instead, he saw Peter grabbing a guy from behind and tossing him away from James, offering his hand and helping him to rise with a force he never thought little shy Pete was able to pull.

Remus engaged with a couple of guys when they tried to pull him in to the ground again, not giving him any rest, but James came to his rescue, kicking the head of the man punching his face. He was sure he saw teeth coming out of his mouth and glanced around on despair. James hold his arm and Remus felt a punching pain on his side. He hoped he didn’t have anything broken as he screamed Sirius’ name, nowhere in sight.

[That's Progress – DOA](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yLZLUnLQq3E)

They walked a few steps back from the sudden mess Remus didn’t notice forming before. A huge amount of people were wrestling, but no one seemed to care for which side anymore. Peter was sick, throwing up at some card boxes near a dumpster, with Lily holding his arms so he would not crumble into his own vomit. James looked like utter shit, all things considered. His face was a pain to look at, and Remus understood he didn’t look better if James was the one holding him from crumble.

His eyes finally met Sirius’ figure, limp arms on the floor, being kicked on the stomach by the first huge guy he had punched that night. Remus tried to run to rescue him, but James pulled them away from the crowd and managed to lead themselves to Sirius without being targeted again.

Before they could help him, a slim figure holding a huge, blue-silver object, stood behind the bold head and kicked the curve on his legs, making him loose balance. The tall slim dude with a leather jacket kept hitting him on the ground until the guitar was torn into pieces and the guy didn’t move again.

He helped Sirius to get up with no effort, almost carrying him, and Remus felt his own throat unclenched a little once he saw Sirius trying to get rid of the grip and fight the men who helped him, without any luck. James and Remus ran towards them and Sirius collapsed on their arms.

Remus kept coping his face, looking for any sing of concussion, and Sirius regained his height again quickly, as to show Remus he didn’t have to worry about him. The bass guitarist led them outside along with James. They found Lily taking care of Peter sickness and seating on the floor, near where they had parked.

[Mickey Mouse is Dead – Subhumans](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IIcczlCTEU0)

“You have to get out of here,” said the guy, letting go of Sirius arm. “Do you have a car? Does any of you can drive it?”

“I can.” Lily said without taking her eyes off a profound flesh wound on James cheek.

“I’m ok, I can drive, Lily,” James fought her.

“You didn’t finish the concert,” Sirius pointed out, giving the musician a measuring stare.

“Your plan was better anyway.” He stared back, hiding a smile filled with approval.

“C’mon, let’s go.” James helped Peter get straight again, no sight of his former drunken state.

“I can’t leave my bike here alone,” Sirius said. “I’m well enough to drive it.” He shook his head in dismissal when Remus looked at him in concern. “I will be in a minute.”

“You really need to get the fuck out of here, everyone saw your face and police will be here any second,” said the musician.

“What about you? Won’t you get into trouble for slamming a bass into somebody’s head?” Sirius asked with humor in his tone.

“Could have been anyone else.” The guy raised his eyebrows. “Lots of fans paint their faces and dress like me. Look at you.”

“Hey, I’m not your fan.” Sirius stared at his eyes with a deliberate look. “I’m a transvestite, but I understand you confusion.”

The musician gave him an appreciative look and stood for a moment with no answer in his grin, finally laughing offering his hand. “What’s your name?”

After a moment of hesitation, he shook his hand with fierce on his eyes. “Sirius.”

The man glanced on James and the others before speaking again. “Ask for me the next time you come to a gig, I’ll remember you.”

“Get rid of the shit among your fans first.” Sirius demanded, using all his height and a menacing stare.

“You already did that. And I thank you for that.” He turned around and wave them. “I’ll buy you and your friends a drink or five. Assuming you are old enough to drink.”

“We’ll see.” Sirius spat blood on the floor before the man disappeared. “Holy shit,” he whispered, opening his eyes widely at Remus. “D’you saw that? Holy fucking shit!”

Remus was amused at his reaction, knowing that despite his rude manners, Sirius was actually a huge fan of the group and the turn of events meant a lot to him. He approached him a little far away from the others, and Sirius ran to him. He hugged Remus and asked him if he was ok, cupping his face and looking for any signs of wounds on his head. It took Sirius a while running his fingers through his hair, searching for anything out of the ordinary. It made Remus feel like a child being cared of.

[Violent Femmes – Add It Up](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KbWoTV15qHo)

“Ok, ok, I’m fine.” Remus said, ignoring the pain on his side. “You’re the one who should see a doc–”

He did not get to end his sentence, because Sirius pulled him close for a hug, even stronger than before, and whispered to his ear. “I was so worried about you. I couldn’t see you anywhere. I’m so sorry I lost sight of you. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Remus.”

He ignored the piercing pain on his side, mascaraed by a sea of feelings he was having troubles dealing with all at once. He said nothing, but returned the hug, hoping the gesture of pressing with the same force could be enough to make him understand he felt the same way at this moment. Sirius gave him a quick shivering smile before turning away towards the others with a complete new face, declaring he was well enough to drive now and they had to " _get the hell outtahere, now_."

It resulted in another fight, no harm done this time, between James and Sirius. Both wanting to drive the motorbike because the other one was sore and could fell from it. Lily helped Peter to the back seat of the car, ignoring their shouting completely and asking Remus where to go now. Considering they had to go, but home was an hour away, they didn’t trust neither of them to drive the bike for so long.

Remus knew that they were well enough to drive for ten, maybe twenty minutes without worry if they were well enough to fight already, so he told them to follow the car and didn’t ask which one would drive. He was absolutely sure once they were alone they would speak frankly about their injuries and decide which one stood less of a chance to die in the road.

Lily drove safely for almost thirty minutes, to the hill Remus had marked on her phone. The silent driving gave him time to analyze and decide about all the events from the night and the sensations he had experimented. Adrenaline, fear, _pride_. All came back to him in waves. But more than anything in the world, he wanted to get to their destination, get out of the car, and hold Sirius in his arms for an eternity.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LEMME KNO WHA YO THIIIIIIIIIIIINK <3


	18. Never better

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GUYS, THIS IS IT. CHAPTER 18!!!
> 
> Listen to this song in a loop, this time isn't fucking optional, trust me.  
> PRAISE ♡ [To Build a Home – The Cinematic Orchestra](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qkP6Tf79UrM)

Sirius rode his bike for more than twenty minutes down the dark road at a cautious speed, with James clinging to his back, keeping a constant eye on the red car leading the way.

The wind washed their skin of the impurities they had suffered that night, and as the euphoria and ecstasy that had accompanied their actions settled, an appeased calm took over his mind and thoughts.

They parked a little off the main road. A smile danced across his face as soon as he recognized the hill they were on, glancing sideways at Remus, who was climbing out of the passenger seat with one arm tucked into his side.

He felt a warm sensation in his chest remembering the long distant nights he had spent there, lying on the grass with his _best friend_. Smoking, talking and laughing. _Existing_. The road had made him dizzy but not as much as James, who staggered off the bike on buttery legs.

Sirius opened the compartment that hung on the side of _Her_ , pulling out the wool blankets and approaching a shaking Remus. He put one of them on his shoulders, closing it at the neck thoughtfully, keeping a hand there for a few seconds longer than strictly necessary.

“Why did you brought blankets to a punk concert?” Remus grabbed the blanket hugging himself.

“I never took them off.” Sirius' fingers lingered over his for a moment more.

The two boys followed their friends to the trunk of James' car and begun talking, deciding what to do next. They were going to have to wait a few more hours, for Peter to at least sober up, and James was pretty tired too. Sirius felt all parts of his body exhausted too, but he hid it quite well.

Lily took charge of the situation and proposed to go back to James' house at dawn, so that his father could take a look at all of them before they went back to their respective homes. When everyone agreed, not before hearing James' complaints about the anger that was going to fall on him, Lily pulled a yellowish bottle of alcohol out of the trunk.

“Not for me, ‘think I had enough for tonight,” Peter croaked. “Besides, isn’t it the point to sober me up, red?”

“Don’t be ridiculous, we aren’t drinking it.” She opened the bottle and poured the liquid into a handkerchief that she took from her bag.

Lily was focused cleaning James' face wounds for a while. Meanwhile, the other three boys sat in a circle on the grass near them, commenting on the events. Sirius glanced at Remus, quieter than usual. Sirius hid a hand under the blanket covering his shoulders to the ground, searching for the fingers that quietly appeared and intertwined with his.

Lily went back to them and Peter refused to let her come near with the alcohol, disgusted with the mere smell. He went to the car to sleep with James, presumably already snoring dead. Sirius got up and took the bottle from her hands.

“Go have some rest,” he told her. “I got this.”

She did as she was told, wishing them good night with a concerned look before closing the door of the car. Sirius walked away from the car to the top of the hill without looking at Remus, hearing how he followed a few steps behind.

He spread the sheet he carried over his shoulder on their usual spot on the grass, kneeling and sitting cross-legged, and began to wash his own knuckles as well as some cuts on his face. Remus tore off a piece of his shirt that had already been ripped from him during the struggle and wiped the remains of black paint from his face, sitting across from him with his legs spread.

Remus' hands ran over Sirius’ face carefully, brushing against each cut with the wet cloth. His lips blew cool air over his skin every time Sirius flinched from the contact, not always from the pain or sting of alcohol, though he didn't mention it.

Sirius raised his arms slowly and took Remus' hands from his face. “Thank you,” he said quietly.

Remus looked down at his hands and cleared his throat. He pulled back a few inches and sat more comfortably, resting his back on the floor. Sirius hesitated for half a second before laying down next to him with his legs bent.

They fell silent, gazing up at the starry sky, as they had done a thousand times before, in comfortable shared silence. But this time Remus' arm reached out to the ground above Sirius' head, inviting. Sirius brought his head close to Remus' chest and shoulders, allowing him to embrace him.

They spent a while just looking at the constellations they both already knew too well, not even talking, just being. The scent of Remus intoxicated Sirius' lungs, and he allowed himself to close his eyes and sink his face into his clothes, memorizing every subtle note. He draped an arm over Remus' chest, making him flinch, feeling his heart beat. Sirius’ slow breathing matching the rhythm of the hammer under his hand.

[To Build a Home – The Cinematic Orchestra](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qkP6Tf79UrM)

“Don’t fall asleep,” he heard Remus voice whisper. “You might have a concussion, they punched your head.”

“They punched you, too,” Sirius said. He rubbed his thumb across his chest slowly. “All right, then, keep me entertained.”

Remus chortled quietly. “And how the hell I am supposed to do that?”

“You always keep me awake at night, without even trying,” Sirius said in a smiling whisper.

Remus’ chest moved with giggles under Sirius' cheek. He put his hand over Sirius' and laced their fingers together across his chest. He tilted his head a little, brushing Sirius' crown with his jaw. Sirius felt Remus hugging him tighter, and lowered his knees to the floor, pulling himself a little closer to him under the blanket.

Sirius' shy voice broke the silence. “Why did we start calling you Moony? I can’t remember anymore.”

“Seriously?” laughed Remus.

“Ha-ha, very funny.” Sirius didn't really mind the pun. “Seriously.”

“We were super young, I don’t know. You were stupid. Even more stupid, I mean.” Remus caressed his arm, smoothing his finger in his skin. “It was the summer I broke my arm and I couldn’t go to your pool, ‘cause my mom wouldn’t let me.” His voice sounded dreamy, even remembering her. “You said that my skin was already too white, and if I didn't go outside all summer, locked in my room just reading, it would turn the same color as the moon.”

“I remember.” Sirius took his hand more firmly. “Hope almost killed me after you showed up at the house that night, with your cast in a mess. You gave me away.”

“Yeah,” Remus laughed out loud. “Dad put another cast on my arm. They punished me without seeing you and not going to your pool anymore,” his chest trembled from the giggle. “And you climbed to my room. You fucking asshole,” Remus teased whispering.

“I had to sign on the cast. The moon I drew was awesome.” Sirius moved slowly close to him, and buried his face in Remus' neck.

Remus stopped laughing and was silent for a while, stroking Sirius' hair. When he spoke again, his voice sounded closer. “I still have that cast, somewhere on the attic.”

Sirius opened his eyes and found Remus' face a few inches away, staring into his eyes and gazing into him. Remus' hand released his fingers and moved up to his cheek, gently cupping his face.

His lips parted and they gazed at each other. “Remus...” Sirius hardly sighed.

He felt frozen lips on his, moving ever so slowly. He forgot all the pain in his body, it didn’t exist anymore. Ignored even the pain in his split lip, now being kissed so sweetly.

Remus' thumb brushed his jaw without trying to bring him closer, just caressing him, as if Sirius were made of glass and the contact could break him. The mere thought overwhelmed him and he shuddered. _Is this what it feels like_?

Sirius opened his lips after a few moments of delicious tickling, not hungry, just wanting to taste the insides of Remus. He moved the tip of his tongue tentatively. Remus greeted him with a sweet mutter. _This is what it feels like_.

Sirius kissed him more deeply. His hand reached up to Remus' chest and slid it to his side, trying to pull him closer. Remus suddenly jerked away with a pitiful groan. The kiss broke too soon.

“Sorry,” Sirius told him quickly.

“No, I’m fine. It’s fine.” Remus opened his eyes and hid his wince. “I’ll live,” he joked.

Remus' ghostly lips were still tingling in Sirius' mouth when he leaned back against his chest, letting go of the grip that had hurt him. His eyelids were too heavy to stay open.

They fell into another long silence, caressing each other with shy hands. Allowing themselves to be gently embraced. Remus' breathing slowed down.

“Don’t let me fall sleep,” Remus asked in a whisper.

But Sirius couldn't help falling prey to Remus' soft, silent snoring. The dream found him smiling against his neck, letting his breath catch up with Remus’.

* * *

The morning light filtered through his lashes, gently waking him with the softness of a lover's tickles. He felt a damp weight on his collarbone and recognized the familiar scent even before opening his eyes, to see the strands of black hair scattered across his chest. The man's lips were parted and Remus' shirt had traces of his drool on it. Remus chuckled, careful not to wake him up, finding the scene adorable.

He shifted his shoulders under the hug, stretching from the night's sleep. Sirius growled, burying his icy nose again between Remus' neck and shoulder. The cold contact gave him a chill and he jumped away on instinct. The movement made him feel a prick in his side and he let out a low howl.

He heard Sirius waking up, murmuring against his skin. He felt lips pressing against his neck a few times and the weight of Sirius' legs climbing on his own. Remus caught the tangle of black hair and guided Sirius' still closed eyes up to his face, greeting him with a delicate kiss.

Sirius had other plans. He climbed on top of him, still half asleep, pressing the weight of his body all the way Remus’ length, rocking his hips quietly. He dropped his chest on top of him, opening his mouth in a passionate kiss, burying his tongue all the way to Remus. A drill of pain stabbed into his side and he stifled a groan, pushing Sirius away quickly and concealing his reaction.

“Mmmmorning,” Sirius muttered, sneering, sleepy eyes finally opened.

Remus heard nearby footsteps. “Move away, dog!”

Sirius flopped down beside him, chuckling with his back in the grass, one hand covering his eyes from the rays of the rising sun.

“And good morning to you, homie boys,” Lily's voice interrupted his morning aims.

Sirius bent at the waist, bringing his knees to his chest. “Woah, hey, yo,” carefree voice, perfect delivery for the occasion.

 _How subtle, babe._ Remus rolled his eyes.

“You slept well, I see,” Lily said amused.

Sirius jumped to his feet, unashamed of the not-so-discreet morning boner he wore in his pants.

“…take a leak…” Sirius merely mumbled before leaving the crime scene.

Remus covered himself with the jumble of blankets, a bit embarrassed, bending over to sit up. Lily stepped in front of him.

“When were you going to tell me?” she asked tilting her head.

“Tell you what?” Remus played crazy.

“You two?” She wasn’t buying it. “I’m not blind, I saw you.”

“I don’t know, Lily.” Remus gave up, rolling his eyes.

He heard the nearby noise of a stream hitting the ground and turned to contemplate the blatant sight of Sirius pissing against a tree trunk. _Like a dog without a trace of shame._

“Seriously?” She mocked. “Him?”

“Why don't you ask him? Lately _you two_ are inseparable,” Remus told her, annoyed.

“Really? C’mon, don’t tell me you’re jealous,” she teased playfully, patting him with affection on the shoulder.

Sirius came back, buckling up on the way. He picked up the blankets from the floor and glanced around confused. “Hey, where the hell are the kids?”

“James took your motorbike to his house, and Peter went to drive his car,” she explained. “He’s coming back for us. The plan is for you two to go to James’ and have his father look at your wounds, instead of going to the hospital. He must be checking on Peter now.”

“He took _Her?_ Without my explicit consent?” Sirius exclaimed in horror. “The audacity!”

“Thanks, but I don’t need a doctor,” Remus complained. “My dad can just take a look on me, I’ll be fine.”

“Better safe than sorry, Rem,” said Lily.

“Can I see?” Sirius pointed his head to Remus’ chest.

“See what? Is nothing.”

“Don’t lie to me,” Sirius scold him. “Last night it hurt you, let me see.”

Lily's eyes widened at the insinuation. Without waiting for an answer, Sirius lifted Remus' torn shirt, exposing a bruised belly and a purple contusion on his side. The mark on the skin was more swollen than last night. When Sirius brushed his fingers over, Remus drew back instantly, shuddering with pain.

“That doesn’t look like nothing,” Lily said concerned.

“It's just a bruise,” Remus assured her. He faced Sirius. “Have you seen your face?”

“Last night, you didn't seem to care,” he brazenly replied, raising his eyebrows.

Remus felt the heat flood his cheeks and he turned away to pick up his things, scattered on the floor, ignoring Lily's giggle. Sirius hurried to crouch beside him and carry all their belongings. They went to wait for James on the road, seating on the floor, Remus slightly leaning back.

Lily pulled out a candy bar and a packet of crackers from her purse. Remus ate a few, until his mouth went dry with nothing to drink. Sirius finished the package when no one wanted to keep eating, throwing crumbs over his chest as he shook the package over his open mouth.

Remus was eating the melted chocolate when Sirius' head rested on his shoulder. Remus offered him a bite of the old chocolate bar, but Sirius made a rejecting noise, turning to take a tiny playful bite on his skin instead. Remus giggled and stroked his hair, not minding the dust, booze niff and dry blood that soaked them both.

James took a long time to finally arrive. He gave them all juice boxes for the road, breakfast courtesy of Mrs. Potter.

“My dad is already with Peter,” he told them as he turned the wheel. “So, I’m gonna be grounded forever! Apparently, it doesn’t matter that I’m gonna be in college in less than a few months. Or the fact that I'm almost nineteen years old.”

“Did you get to tell him everything?” Lily asked wary.

“No, I came back as fast as I could. I’ll explain myself later.” James glanced at them through the rearview mirror. “How are you feeling?”

“Peachy!” Sirius jabbered in laughs. “The perfect heir for _The Noble and Most Ancient House of Black_!”

“Great,” James said unimpressed. “Rem?”

“Never better,” he lied.

They spent the trip talking, but Remus didn't pay much attention, since the spot he was sitting in made him feel all the pain he hadn't noticed last night. He kept shifting in the seat, seeking a less painful position that would allow him to breathe without feeling a stab, until it was agonizing and a groan escaped him.

Sirius took his hand and asked James to drive faster. His friend told him that he was already driving at the speed limit, but Remus was sure he heard a roar from the engine. Soon he began to feel a constant excruciating pain with each breath and closed his eyes, unable to focus on anything else around him.

He didn’t notice when they parked, or how he collapsed into the arms that easily lifted him from the seat and carried him inside. He dropped his weight completely, trusting the distant voices. Remus didn’t get to feel the hands shaking his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did I just killed Remi boi after the awesomely longed first kiss (on the 18th chapter, for fucks sake) ???
> 
> You are allowed to call me things. I regret nothing, the drama is my mama 💅💃  
> But you're also contractually obliged to tell me your impressions in the comment section ⚰


	19. Step back, son

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remus is unconscious with a tiny maney rib fracture maybe puncturing his lung and killing him a little bit. Sirius overreacts and freaks out like the drama queen he's born to be and everyone calls him out. Yeah that basically sums it up.

Sirius was beside himself. If James hadn't opened the doors in front of him, he could have kicked them all the way down. He entered the room hearing without listening to the frightened voices of his friends. He looked once more at Remus' senseless face, lying unconscious in his arms. He was heavy, but seemed tiny compared to how tall he was whenever he stood next to him. _Was_? A horrible thought. _Don’t even think about that_.

His arms were hanging limp and his neck was bent in a strange position, Sirius thought he could no longer hear his breathing and panicked. A calm James suddenly appeared beside him, grabbing Remus' head and armpits and gesturing for him to lay him on a high table. They were in the dining room, Sirius couldn’t recall getting in there.

“Papa!” James’ voice. “Come quickly!”

Sirius leaned over Remus, shaking his head carefully _at first_. His eyelids fluttered and Sirius breathed in relief as he saw his best friend's chest rise and sink. Strong thin arms grasped his chest and he came into himself.

“…said step back, son!” he captured the voice of Fleamont Potter.

“What the fuck, Sirius?” Peter was the one holding him back. “You're gonna break his neck!”

James standing in front of him, pushing his chest. “Bro, let’s go outside, now.”

“Shit! Is he gonna be all right?!” Sirius fought the grip to go back to the table.

Mr. Potter was leaning in front of Remus, they couldn't see what he was doing to him. James pushed him again, Peter’s grip tightened. It was all _his fault_ , he realized. Remus was semi-unconscious at a table _because of him_. Sirius felt the need to apologize to everyone, to cry.

“He's conscious,” said Mr. Potter calmly. “But we should get him to a hospital now.”

“Papa, can’t you just examine him now?!” James demanded loudly.

“I’m already doing it!” His father yelled at him as well, imposing. “Now get out and shut your mouth before I ground you even more grounded, ungrateful imbecile!”

“This is my fault.” Sirius ran his hands through his hair, stretching furiously. “This is all my fault.”

“I’ll talk to you later.” Fleamont pointed a threatening finger at him, before turning again. “Now get out.”

He let himself be carried into the kitchen, someone put a cup of tea in his hands. Female voices spoke softly around him. A face framed by an auburn mane in front of him smiled gently.

“He's okay, Sirius. Stop panicking.” Lily spoke to him in a soft voice. “Mr. Potter and James are going to the hospital, they have already called to notify.”

“I’m coming with,” he decided instantly.

“They’re leaving now,” she said. “Don't you want to change your clothes first? Your backpack is here–”

“No, I’m fine.” He grabbed his things and moved quickly. “Sorry. Thank you, Mrs. Potter,” he almost forgot to say.

The hours waiting at the hospital seemed endless and there was nothing much to do, so James had time to explain everything to his father. Fleamont apologized to Sirius for being too harsh on him at first and promised not to say anything to his parents, even giving him a hug.

Lyall appeared dressed in his nurse's uniform and spoke to Mr. Potter with a way too white face. He didn't seem to see Sirius the first time. He spoke to him the second time he appeared in the waiting room. Sirius apologized, crying into his shoulder.

“It's okay, son,” Lyall explained collectedly. “A rib fracture is a common injury, when one of the bones of the rib cage breaks or cracks. In many cases, the fractured ribs are actually just cracked. Although painful, rib fissures are not potentially as dangerous as ribs that have been fractured into small parts.”

“When can I see him?” Sirius asked, scared with the explanations.

“They still have to do more scans and x-rays to be sure.” He shook his head. “The ragged edges of a fractured bone can damage blood vessels or major internal organs, such as the lungs. We have been lucky. The aorta, lung or any organ has not been ruptured or perforated, only a few blood vessels. Hence the inflammation and coloration.”

“Okay. I’ll wait,” Sirius decided, stubborn.

Mr. Lupin looked him up and down in concern. “It will take many hours and my son has to rest, he may have to have a small outpatient operation to drain the blood.”

“What does that mean?” Sirius asked with panic in his voice.

“It means that you have nothing to worry about. My shift lasts until tomorrow and then I am free, I will take him home when he is discharged.” Lyall gave him a reassuring squeeze. “You should go home, have some rest yourself.”

After Sirius refused to leave once more, Lyall offered to take a look at him off the record, so that no one would call his parents, knowing how things were at home. Sirius felt worse when Remus' father informed him that nothing was broken and he had been very lucky.

He was left alone in the waiting room again, wearing the jacket Lyall had slung over his shoulders before heading back to work. Sirius forgot everything around him. He forgot it was Sunday, and he had to go to class tomorrow, even that he had to write a cover letter.

The ticking sound of the wall clock mingled with his intrusive thoughts, dripping onto the carpet under his face, held by stabbing fingers.

* * *

The sun was beginning to set on the horizon in front of the road. Peter had slept a few hours at home, had time to change and eat before going to the hospital again. James had called him from Lily's house, he couldn't drive with a broken wrist.

He found Sirius with red puffy eyes in the waiting room. He was still wearing the clothes he'd worn to the concert, only with a brown hoodie too big for his shoulders thrown over. He barely raised his head to greet him when Peter sat down next to him.

“James called me, his father explained. He's at Lily's house with a broken wrist,” Peter summed him up.

“I didn’t know.” Sirius raised his head. “Is he all right?”

“It's just a fracture, but he's wearing a cast. Three weeks and he'll be his old wanker again,” Peter tried joking.

Sirius' smile did not reach his gaze, just humming in response.

“I didn't think you were still here until James called me,” Peter mentioned.

“Remus has to stay for the night, but his father will take care of him,” he said for all answer.

“There is not much you can do here then,” Peter huffed. “D’you wanna ride home?”

“I can’t go home like this.” Sirius seemed to notice his appearance for the first time, looking at his clothes. “Besides, my bike’s still at James.”

“I can take you there,” Peter offered. “Oh. Actually, James isn’t home, and he told me his father is still here…”

“Don’t trouble yourself, Pete. Thanks.” Sirius rested his chin on his hand.

“Have you eaten all day, dog?”

“I don’t know. Don’t think so, no.”

“C’mon. Let’s go.” Peter got up and offered a hand to help him up.

Peter led him to the car parked in the hospital parking lot and closed the door for him. He took a couple of quick glances during the trip at his raggedy friend.

Sirius glanced at his own looks, taking the sleeve of the hoodie to his mouth. “Hey, can I crash at your house a couple hours?”

“Where the hell do you think we were going in the first place?” Peter handed him his cell phone. “Here, order some pizza, or whatever you want. I don’t feel like cooking.”

Sirius fell silent again after calling the pizza place and ordering a full-size pair. He was staring out the window, his eyelids heavy.

“Hey,” Peter realized. “Has someone taken an eye on your wounds?”

“Yeah, Lyall. Of the rec, tho,” Sirius said tiredly. “It was a bless, the insurance would have called home.”

Peter waited at the entrance, the pizza arrived when Sirius was in the shower. He set the table and a couple of glasses of soda with ice for them. Sirius joined him and they ate practically in silence, just updating each other on the details of their friends' status.

Sirius declined the offer to rest a bit before leaving. He was still wearing the hoodie he had found him with, although underneath he was wearing sweatpants and a simpler shirt.

“Can you take me back to the hospital?” Sirius asked him in the hall.

“Sirius, there’s nothing you can do there.” Peter began to feel sorry for him.

“Still, I want to be there. Just in case.”

“It’s late, I’ll take you home instead,” he offered. “We have school tomorrow.”

Sirius looked defeated. “I can’t go back home just like this, father is at home for the week.”

“Oh, right.” Peter smiled at him. “You can crash here for the night”

Sirius seemed to think about it for a while, looking at Peter with kind eyes.

“No, you’re right. We have school tomorrow,” he said. “But I’ll take you on that ride to James’, I need to get my bike anyway.”

Peter took him to his friend's house and said goodbye to him with a hug. He watched him turn the corner from the sidewalk on his motorbike and took out the phone to text James, just as he had promised he would.

 ** _James_** & _Peter_

_ I brought him to yours to pick up the bike _

_ Just gone now _

_ Supposedly home _

_ **Is he ok now?** _

_ He looks like shit, Jay _

When Peter went to high school next Monday, neither Sirius nor Remus were there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm in a bad mood lately, I recently received very bad news and I'm not myself to write. I guess it'll pass and I'm gonna keep uploading the chapters I already have, but I honestly lack motivation at the moment.
> 
> Anyways, I hope you enjoyed the chapter!


	20. I get it, it was just... the moment

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm still in bad shape and I don't know when I'll be back writting. I have finished until chapter 39 as for today and the rest is outlined, so I guess we are safe to say that this won't afect the regular updates.  
> At first this chapter was only ment to be the first POV (Sirius'), but a few days ago I decided to add Remus' second POV because I thought I was missing Fluff in the story and, what the hell, it's cute, let's have nice things. I have not reviewed that part, so I imagine it will have errors and such, sorry, you can point them out in the comments if you want.
> 
> Thanks for those enjoying the writting and leaving nice comments, it means a lot. <3

He knocked on the front door, louder than the first time. He glanced at the aconite bush under the upstairs window and smiled longingly, remembering the time he had fallen in while climbing, that distant summer. The narrow oblong bluish flowers appeared dark purple in the mid-day sunlight.

The door was opened for him and he was greeted with a handshake of rough hands larger than his own. The warm dark eyes of his host invited him into the kitchen while he gave the pertinent instructions.

“We have leftovers in the fridge in case you get hungry too, but I've made chicken soup for him. It's in that pot by the stove.” Lyall pointed to him.

“Thank you, sir.” Sirius nodded his head gratefully. “Is there something else?”

“He isn't supposed to completely stop moving, but make sure he doesn't make any sudden movements.” Lyall picked up distracted his jacket and bag from the kitchen table. “It is impossible to put a bandage on the chest, you cannot immobilize the rib cage. Make sure he doesn’t use the stairs, nor remains in a sitting position.”

“All noted. Don't worry, sir.”

“Make sure he's comfortable. He’s way too stubborn.” Lyall stood before leaving the house, full height dressed in his green uniform. “And thank you, son. I'll be back as soon as the shift is over.”

“Yes, sir. Nothing to worry about.” Sirius smiled reassuringly at him. “I’ll call you if anything happens. It won’t,” he added quickly.

Lyall left the house in a stir of unease. He had spent the last three days at home, taking care of his son, but now he had to get back to work and Sirius had offered to keep an eye on him in his absence. The pot of chicken soup was still warm, and he set it aside for later.

Sirius climbed the stairs quietly and fell silent in front of his bedroom door, suddenly scared that he would blame him for what had happened to him as well. They still hadn't seen each other since the morning after the concert, the last thing Sirius remembered was Remus' unconscious face in his arms, passed out from the pain.

He opened the door ajar and tiptoed through the carpet without making a sound. Remus slept on his back, with the sheets covering him up to his waist. The curtains were drawn and there was not much light in the room. Sirius became aware of his surroundings and how _probably_ it was weird for him to stare at Remus asleep.

A warm feeling of peace settled in his chest as he watched Remus breathe, three feet away from his face. His rib cage under the white shirt rose and fell at a slow, steady rate, and his breathing sounded calm and harmonious. Sirius smiled in relief, blinking a few times to ward off the fears that had kept him from sleeping the previous nights.

He carefully moved the desk chair to the edge of the bed and sat down slowly. He watched him sleep peacefully for a long time, memorizing the fragile movement of his eyelids, the flutter of his eyelashes, the peach color of his parted lips. He remained dumbfounded until he lost track of time.

The rays of light coming from a gap in the window were projected near Remus' face and he began to slowly wake up. Sirius moved cautiously to close the curtains but it was too late, and he heard the other man stretch on the bed.

“Sirius…” Remus slowly opened his eyes, rolling onto his side on the bed to face him. “What are you doing here? How long have you been here?”

“Your father went to work, I told him I could stay. I just arrived.” Sirius returned to the chair, biting his tongue nervous.

“Argh. That’s not necessary.” Remus made a disgusted face.

Sirius' insides collapsed in distress. “Do you want me to go?”

“No, that’s not what I meant.” Remus got up on one elbow. “I don’t need two nurses, that’s all.”

“Are you sure? I still could borrow your father's shirt and work pants.”

“God, gross.” Remus shook his head. He got a little thoughtful. “Where have you been?”

“It's only been three days,” Sirius tried to downplay it, but his Moony just kept staring. “I had the interview this Monday,” he said when his gaze gave him no truce.

“Oh, how did it went?”

“Great, nailed it.” Sirius' heartbeat sped up with suppressed anguish. “Or, it would had been, if my father hadn’t come along.”

“Shit. That bad?” Remus frowned. “Sorry.”

“Whatever. I never wanted to attend Durmstrang anyway,” Sirius dismissed it with sarcasm in his voice.

“Still, sorry.” Remus brought his hand closer to Sirius' face. “I don’t remember that black eye from the other morning.”

The contact with the bruised skin made him wince and he pulled away too quickly. Remus dropped his hand to the mattress, embarrassed.

“Really?” Sirius smiled at him and touched his eye to hide his sudden reaction. “You had better fish to fry, so. You probably didn’t notice then.”

Remus looked unsure. “I guess, yeah.”

“Are you hungry?” Sirius decided to change the subject drastically. “You dad made you some soup and I’m supposed to feed you. I’ll heat it and bring it over.”

“Okay. But you are _not_ feeding me. Under no circumstances. My father hasn’t come to that and neither would you.” Remus' ears turned an endearing shade of pink.

“Yeez, relax.” Sirius laughed. “Don’t move while I’m away, Lyall could kill me.”

Sirius hurried out of the room, trying not to drown about the bruise in his eye. Of course Remus hadn't seen it, because it hadn't been in his face yet. The rest of his friends hadn't noticed, considering the amount of injuries they all had it wasn't too out of place. But it was more recent than the others, and it hurt more than any.

He closed his eyes with furious force and heated the stove, carrying the pot. He stirred the soup until it bubbled a bit and poured a considerable amount into a bowl. When he went back upstairs to the bedroom, he found Remus in front of the closet, changing his clothes.

Sirius left the soup on the desk and approached Remus quickly, scolding him for moving from the bed. Remus had his pajama top unbuttoned and there was an almost yellowish bruise covering part of his chest and side. It had a gauze patch on top of where Sirius guessed he had been cut open to drain the excess of blood.

“You shouldn't be doing that. Let me help you.”

“I'm dressing myself, For God's sake, Sirius.”

“Stop moving.”

Sirius buttoned his shirt back up to his collarbone, careful not to touch Remus' slightly freckled skin. He noticed Remus' breathing going deep and ragged, and he pulled away to let him go back to bed. He sat on the bed hiding his face in pain and Sirius hurried to arrange the pillows so that he would lie down again, lightly seated. I had read that sitting bent at the waist could hurt a lot with a broken rib.

“I should at least change my shirt.” Remus raised the cloth to his nose and made a grimace. “I stink, I haven't had a shower in two days. My father is crazy.”

“No, you smell amazing.” Sirius realized he made him blush and looked away from his face. “Why doesn't he let you shower?”

“The stitches cannot get wet,” he murmured.

Sirius felt heat rise up his neck. “Do you want a sponge bath?” he suggested hopeful.

Remus took it as a joke and rolled his eyes. Sirius handed him the soup and a spoon and sat down next to him again.

“You are not going to eat? It's kinda weird, you just standing there, watching.”

Sirius got up, too self-conscious. “Yeah, shit, I forgot to bring something for myself.”

He hurried out of the room and grabbed a plate of smashed potato from the fridge, not even warming it a bit in the microwave. He went upstairs with Remus and ate some of it sitting at the desk, glancing at him shyly, until Remus finished his soup and Sirius discarded his cold potatoes, carrying the dirty dishes to the sink. He laughed on his way up, counting the times he had been up and down the stairs in just a few hours.

Remus was lying back on the pillows, staring absently at his phone. Sirius hadn't realized that they now had no other distraction and had gone upstairs too fast, not thinking first about what he could talk about to keep their attention away from the subject.

His heart skipped a beat when Remus put the phone aside and looked at him questioningly. He already knew what he was going to say before sitting in the chair next to him. His heartbeat reached up to his throat.

“Sirius… We should, maybe, talk about it.” Remus glanced at him.

“Or, not? It can wait,” Sirius said casually.

“Oh, I see,” Remus cleared his throat. “It’s all right, we don’t have to.”

“Yeah, let’s just… yeah, not now.”

“I get it, it was just, _the moment_.” Remus looked away, paying no mind to it.

“Huh?” Sirius quizzed up in confusion.

“Of course. I misread it, sorry. But it’s fine, we don’t have to talk about it. No harm done, so we can go back to be as always.”

“No, Remus, that’s not what I meant,” Sirius was quick to say. “Of course harm’s been done! You are lying on a bed with a broken ribbon _because of me_.”

“This wasn’t your fault, don’t be dramatic!” Remus rolled his eyes.

“They beat you up because I talked too much. This is my fault.” Sirius clenched his knuckles, staring at the ground. “I don't even know how to look at your face without being ashamed of myself. And even worst, how can I… _expect_...”

They fell into an awkward silence that almost drowned him, until Sirius noticed Remus' hand reaching for him. He clenched his eyes shut one last time and forced himself to look up.

“Sirius, you were amazing that night.” Remus squeezed his hand tightly, looking him straight in the eye. His eyelashes fluttered. “And you did _nothing wrong_.”

Sirius took a deep breath. “Remus, it wasn’t just _the moment_. Although, I loved that moment. Like, every second of it, but…” His hand wasn't shaking so much anymore. “No. I _do_ like you. You should already know that, by now.” He gave him a tremulous smile. “But I can wait until you’re feeling better.”

Remus gave him a cryptic smile. “And I do, too. But… I don’t want to.”

Sirius watched frozen as he approached slowly, his gaze fixed on his lips. He didn't move an inch until Remus was so close that his eyes closed by inertia and his lips were back on him, warm and soft, _kissing him_.

The sensation caught him off guard and it took him a second to follow Remus' movement. He returned the kiss with the same intensity, and Remus leaned even closer, his lips parting even more, using his tongue for the first time. And Sirius felt heat on his skin.

Remus was very close, his hands cupping his face and hair, drawing him to the bed. And Sirius felt very hot all of a sudden. Remus drew his hands closer to him, reached for him, and Sirius was carried away by too confused a moment. Remus' hands stroked his back, and Sirius let it happen, carried on top.

And he forgot why they were in bed, thinking only of Remus’ tousled hair against the pillow. Sirius stroked his light brown curls tightly and responded to the urgency of Remus' kisses by pressing his entire body against him. Remus sigh in pleasure once and Sirius pressed again, harder, until Remus howled and Sirius finally remembered why they were there.

Remus hid a wince in an already flustered face. “Shit. Sorry…”

Sirius pulled away biting his lip. He ran a hand through his hair to calm himself down and smiled sheepishly. “Hey, I’m not complaining. But, please, let’s be careful.”

“Shut up.” Remus' cheeks burned red.

Sirius was driven crazy by the sight of Remus smiling at him with a suggestive-teasing look in front of him, but made a stoic effort to stay at a safe distance. “Let’s not go there.”

Remus rolled his eyes. Still smiling, nonetheless. He slid to the side off the bed and patted the spot next to him, with an innocent grin. Sirius sat down next to him and wrapped a protective arm around his shoulders. Remus kept his silent promise and just rested, letting him plant soft kisses all over his face.

* * *

It was nice. It had been nice spending some time at home resting, especially after his father had come to his senses and allowed him to shower again. Remus still had troubles bending his waist and some pain if he seated on certain positions for long periods of time, but he had found a comforting fix to it with some pillows and patience.

His cheeks burned remembering how helpful had been Sirius with that particular issue. He had been visiting him every afternoon since the previous week, sometimes staying longer when Lyall had shifts at the hospital with the excuse to keep him company.

Both of them were pretty shy about the whole _now we apparently kiss every now and then_ and didn’t talk much about their new dynamic, but Remus wasn’t going to complain. He had had a crush on Sirius for longer than he was willing to admit and he didn’t want to scare him away talking about commitment and labels so soon on their relationship.

 _Relationship_. Oh my god, he was getting ahead of things. Having Sirius keeping him company was nice, Remus wasn’t going to deny it. Even if they just did homework and occasionally wrote their college application essays, in which Sirius did most of the typing and Remus advised along the way.

Remus started to discover a part of his best friend he didn’t know of, before it all happened. Sirius was sweeter than expected when it came to being intimate, shyer even. Remus never would have guessed he could witness him blush so quickly, just by opening the door for him the day Sirius came to see him early and Remus rushed to get off the shower with a towel wrapped around his hip. They had seen each other naked when they were younger, and sometimes on the locker rooms after gym class.

He guessed it was different now, maybe Sirius wasn’t ready to think about him that way yet, after all, they had only been seeing each other – or whatever they were doing – for a week. Remus reckoned to himself they had been tiptoeing the subject for some time prior of the hill events – that’s how he called it in his mind, that first _marvelous_ kiss. And the ravenous quick snogging that came the morning after... _ANYWAYS_ – but they weren’t official, they hadn’t talked about it, and Remus knew they weren’t at the same page yet.

Maybe they will never be at the same page. Sirius didn’t do closed couples, he had hinted Remus about how he felt dating other people – not that they were dating, that would be assuming too much – and Sirius had said that he always spoke his mind and was clear about being open in any relationships. So Remus wasn’t really waiting for him to discuss the subject, they already did months ago, and what was the other thing Sirius told him? Sirius remain friends with most of them, after.

So, really, it was nothing to worry about. He wouldn’t lose his best friend when this was over. Remus let out a sigh standing on the sidewalk of his street, waiting for his friend to park and sitting next to him to take him to school.

“How are you feeling today, Remi boy?” Peter asked him with cheerful tone.

“Great, happy to be back, I’ve been missing out too much at class and I really needed to come back. My father is the worst when it comes to nursing back to health.” Remus shifted his position on the passenger seat.

“Oh, right! Sorry,” Peter told him, twisting his waist toward the back seat – and away from the road, Remus taking the wheel quickly to steady the car again – to reach a cushion for him. “Sirius said you could need this for your back.”

“Thanks,” muttered Remus, a bit surpassed. He placed the pillow behind his back and found a comfortable position for the rest of the road.

Remus knew his father had already spoken with his teachers and they acknowledged he needed some slack at his attendance at class, so he didn’t bother going to talk with any of them when he arrived to the building. He entered the hallway with Peter walking by his side, carrying his backpack – in a completely unnecessary attempt to help – and saw Lily and Sirius standing on his locker, waiting for him.

They greeted them with wide smiles but neither of them tried to hug him, aware of his condition. Sirius took the backpack from Peter, who was huffing from the weight, and tossed it over his shoulder. Lily clasped their arms together and walked with Remus toward first period, where she seated with him after a moment hesitation.

“You aren’t pairing with James for the day? By the way, where is he?” Remus asked her.

“He went to the hospital for a checkup on his wrist, should be back after lunch,” she explained vaguely. “But even if he doesn’t, we still have plans tonight!”

“Oh, I didn’t know. What are we doing tonight?”

“Not all of us, Rem! We, as in James and me. We have a date, silly.” She rolled her eyes smiling and pulled out her notebook along with her crystal instruments.

They spent the rest of the hands-on chemistry class checking mixtures in their test tubes and taking notes, and something seemed out of place on a superficial level. Slughorn was oddly smiling all the time for some reason and everyone in class looked dozed and cheerful. Remus didn’t pay much attention to it and returned to his notes.

Once again, when they were going to leave the classroom, his friends took Remus’ things and carried them to second period, when Sirius asked him if it was okay for him to sit next to Remus or if he was waiting for Lily. Remus was taken aback by the question, they always seated whenever they wanted – it was shotgun law – but nodded for him to seat at the next table.

Once Mr. Bins begun his soporific explanations about the second world war – how could someone make a topic so significant for human race sound so dull, Remus would never understand – he took notes on his notebook for ten minutes until the crouched position at the desk started to hurt. Remus leaned back and noticed Sirius’ gaze on him. He shook his hand hidden under the desk, with the phone between his fingers, and Remus opened his messages.

 **Sirius** and _Remus_

> **I’m taking notes, you can copy later or I can do it for you**
> 
> _Thanks but there’s no need_
> 
> _You guys are doing too much already_

Sirius had covered half his face with strands of black hair but Remus could notice a wary expression on his face as he hesitated before texting back.

> **Is ok. We want you to feel better soon**
> 
> **You can have Lily’s notes**
> 
> **I know my handwriting is awful, sorry**
> 
> _No, I like your handwriting a lot_
> 
> _Slanted, is cute_
> 
> **I’ll give you my notes then, don’t worry**
> 
> _Thank you, that’s very thoughtful_
> 
> _You didn’t have to_
> 
> **Don’t distract me?**
> 
> **I’m trying to pay attention in class,**

And it was true, Sirius was leaning on the table taking notes at speed light with his frown wrinkling. It made Remus chuckle softly when he glanced at the page and he saw the doodles Sirius had been drawing before. His hair was covering his face again and Remus couldn’t catch his expression until he motioned with his hand do catch a strand behind his ear and glanced at Remus, smiling back at him and blushing a little as he did.

> **You look cute today btw**

Remus didn’t know how to answer, so he kept paying attention to the explanation until it was over and they left. The rest of the morning went mostly the same, with Sirius taking notes for him – except for biology, he didn’t take that subject – until the bell rang and they went to the cafeteria for lunch break. As the two of them walked alone, Lily took his arm again and smiled.

“Do you have any special plans for today?” Lily asked with a mischievous smile.

“Do you mean beside coming back to school and making sure my ribcage doesn’t break for good? Hmmmm nope. I have my hands full,” Remus told her, walking through the cafeteria door.

Lily's purse ranged and she fished her phone. “Really? You’re not doing anything else today?” Lily said distractedly, looking at the screen.

Remus sat down at the cafeteria table, where Peter and Sirius were already eating. “No? Is only Thursday.”

Lily looked up at them. “I’m sorry, I have to go,” she waved goodbye and left smiling. “See you tomorrow, guys!”

And that was very weird for her, skipping class for no reason whatsoever, Remus thought.

“Really? She’s leaving?” Peter complained loudly. “Ugh, I hate today.”

Sirius laughed in front of him and shook his head. “Pete, my boy, don’t be that guy today.”

Remus seated across Peter and next to Sirius, where Lily had left his backpack before disappearing for the day.

“At least I have you both to keep me company.”

Sirius snorted softly and didn’t respond to Peter about whatever the hell he was talking about.

“Rem, what do you want to eat?” he asked, motioning to get up and go to the cue to get the cafeteria meal.

“Thanks but I brought my own food,” Remus was quick to take his paper bag from his bag and open the lunch box with vegetable stew. “Dad, making sure I eat my veggies.”

“Yes you should, eat your carrots or I’ll tell Lyall next time I see him,” Sirius scolded him without losing his smile. “Can I try some?” he asked after a few minutes.

Remus pushed the lunch box towards Sirius saying, “sure.”

Sirius took a tiny mouthful of artichokes and spinach with his fork and thanked Remus with half smile. Remus watched him from the corner of his eyes and he could have sworn he was thinking about offering him some of his lunch in return.

Something very odd was happening at school that day, of that Remus was sure of. After their meal Remus went to his locker and Peter took the books he needed for him, rolling up his eyes at the sight of a couple of teenagers making out blatantly at the door of their destination classroom. He left the books on Remus table and seated next to him.

By the end of the school day, Sirius walked them to Peter’s car carrying Remus backpack and placing it on the backseat for him. He said goodbye to Peter, who was seated on the front and waiting for Remus. And it looked like Sirius was about to leave for the day until he coughed and opened his eyes at Remus.

“Do you want to do something this afternoon?” he asked in a funny voice.

“Sure, why not?” Remus responded a little surprised. “Come to my house later?”

Sirius didn't say anything else, just smiled broadly at him and headed for his motorcycle parked a few feet away from Peter’s car. Remus couldn’t ride due to his injury, and Peter had offered to drive him whenever he needed to. He had been playing hard rock songs loudly on the car radio and Remus changed the dial without asking, trying to avoid a headache. A slow, melodic song sounded and Peter grunted, but made no comment.

“What’s up with you today? Why so grumpy?”

“Sorry, I guess I’m just a bit… Lonely.”

“Lonely? What are you talking about silly?” “We’ve been together all day, you haven't had time to feel alone.”

Peter rolled his eyes around a roundabout. “Thanks,” he glanced at Remus, smiling. “It’s just today, you know? Sometimes, I’d like to have someone special to share days like this one.”

And Remus said no more, taking note on the day on the car clock in front of him. Now it all made sense. He had been all day at school, not noticing the couples exchanging mushy gifts and lovey dovey glances all day around him. Remus could be so oblivious sometimes, _fuck his life_.

And shit. Sirius was coming to see him that afternoon. He must be actually about to arrive, and Remus didn’t have time to think about what to do. Maybe Sirius didn’t know either, maybe he was just as oblivious as him, or even if he knew, he hadn’t acted like he cared, just his usual self. Unless…

No, Sirius definitely didn't care about Saint Valentine's Day. They had been just copying notes from their classes that morning on Remus room and he hadn’t say a thing about it, so he was obviously not concerned about it. Same as Remus, who wasn’t thinking about how easy would be leaning and pressing his lips against Sirius’ cheek, whatsoever.

“Okay, I’m done,” Sirius announced, closing the notebook and stretching his arms.

“What?” Remus asked distracted.

“Your notes, I finally finished,” Sirius smiled at him with twinkly eyes and glanced through the window. “Do you want to go outside? To the backyard or something?”

“Yes, okay,” Remus managed to say, too bashful to elaborate.

Sirius took his backpack from the floor of Remus’ room – surely to go home right after hanging for a while – and Remus followed him outside. To his surprise, Sirius got out a blanket Remus knew too well and tossed it over the lawn on the backyard for them to seat on. Remus seated cross legged next to him and Sirius leaned shyly to press a kiss on Remus’ cheek.

“I wanted to take you to the hill today, you know, but since you can’t ride…” Sirius shrugged, his face was blushing. “This is nice, too.”

“Yeah,” Remus agreed automatically, searching for something else to say. “We have grass here, too.”

 _Really, Remus? Really?!_ Sirius laughed softly and shook his head. Remus leaned into him and buried his face in the crock between his shoulder and neck, embarrassed. Sirius stroked his hair and leaned to his backpack again, catching Remus attention. He took a box of chocolates out of one pocket and placed on Remus’ lap, all coy and blushing.

“Really? You got me chocolate?” Remus snorted smiling.

“Well, I didn’t want to do something too obvious,” Sirius shrugged, smiling flushed.

“Yeah because chocolate isn’t obvious at all, right?” Remus teased him.

“Shut up, you love chocolate!” Sirius nuzzled his shoulder and rumbled. “You know, in Japan they have their own tradition about this day. You give chocolates to people you love, like your friends and your family too,”

Remus knew the arguable newest tradition and ignored the fact that girls are usually the ones who present chocolates to their beloved ones on the 14th of February, while boys were supposed to respond on March with the same gesture. He guessed he had to buy Sirius chocolates in return, a month from now.

“A lot of different traditions along the world,” Remus trailed distracted, downplaying it. “In some regions of Spain they have another tradition, they call it _Sant Jordi_. If you’re a girl, you get roses, if you’re a guy, you get a book.”

“That sounds sexist and stupid, I would never got you a book,” Sirius joked with a smile. “Wait. Why do they call it _Saint Jordi_? Is it the same day as today? They have different saints there?”

“Now that you mentioned, I think is celebrated on April.” Remus paused, trying to remember it. “Well, I guess they have their own lovers’ day on the calendar,” he said without thinking.

Sirius was quiet for a second, then approached him, shy smile on his lips. “Does that mean we are lovers now?”

Remus's heart pounded in his chest, so loud he was sure Sirius could hear it. He opened his mouth to talk, but no words came out of him, and Sirius made a chuckling noise. The sweetest noise on earth.

“I really like you, Moony,” Sirius whispered, leaning closer.

Remus went speechless for too long. He figured he should say something soon. _Something clever_. Sirius was looking at him with soft eyes now, glancing between Remus’ gaze and lips. Okay it didn’t have to be clever, he just needed to say something. Some words, _any words_.

Sirius bit his lower lip. Oh my god that was the longest time Remus had had troubles finding the words to talk to Sirius, _ever_. Remus took a deep breath as if to reply, causing Sirius to stay still and tilt his head sideways, looking him in the eye. _Fuck_. He really didn’t know what to say. _Come on, Remus, don't be a pussy! Just, say, SOMETHING!_

Remus finally got to produce a sound, something like “ _nghm_.” _Yeah, he probably should have stayed silent._

Sirius laughed softly, still staring. “Okay…” _And he licked his own lips._ “I’m gonna kiss you now.”

_Oh my god._

And so he did. Remus closed his eyes just in time and it took him just a few seconds to respond and move his lips back, brushing softly against Sirius’. Remus sighed into the kiss, melting against him. He started slowly, letting their lips meet and Remus took in everything he was feeling. They kissed for a while, just brushing their lips and holding hands. When they parted, Sirius looked down at them, all boldness long forgotten, and Remus couldn’t help but smile and lean.

Sirius lay down on the blanket and spread his arms for Remus to join him, resting his head on Sirius’ chest. They watched the sunset together that afternoon, and Remus decided to ask him to stay for dinner as a thank you for the chocolates. After all, his father would be arriving after midnight and they were too cozy to have him leaving so soon.

They were washing the dishes – mostly Sirius, adamant for him to keep resting – and Remus brought the subject of his injury, regretting having to wait until after his birthday before his father lifted his medical restrictions.

Sirius wiped his hands on a cloth when he finished the dishes and leaned down to kiss the tip of his nose. “Hey Moony, after you’re healed we should make plans.”

“What kind of plans?” Remus asked, tilting his head. “Beating neo-Nazis again?

“No, just casual plans,” Sirius laughed it softly. “Like, we could go rollerblading on a Saturday, and then see a movie?”

Remus felt the tips of his ears growing hot as he spoked shyly, “that sounds great.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll pay you a thousand bitcoins if you are able to correctly identify all the references in the chapter.


	21. The boys are back in town

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: (I hope not too) graphic depiction of violence  
> This was hard to write, but liberating at some level. They say 'don't self-insert on a story', but also 'the best stories are spiced with a bit of truth and self experiences'. So here is my share of it at Regulus POV. (I was actually the older sibling, but I relate to both)  
> To whomever is reading and feels it, I send you my love and bests hopes, truly.  
> The song that sounds at this chapter: [The Boys Are Back In Town – Thin Lizzy](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=56b4TTT609c)

His father hadn't grounded him, after all. How could have he? It was quite a punishment itself, to have to put up with the existence of racist people, willing to beat you up for being different, as Fleamont himself had said to his son. James' wounds healed in less than ten days, yet not counting the wrist, of course. Just a shadow of a few scratches and the cast on his arm were the only things on him that witnessed what had happened at the concert.

His brother from another mother wasn’t so lucky. The marks on Sirius' skin lasted longer, James assumed it was due to his pale complexion. When he finally went back to school at the end of the week, he appeared with a black eye and an unfriendly face. James made no further comment about his strange gait, clutching his chest. James knew he had no serious injuries, as Remus' father had evaluated him at the hospital and determined that he was not as badly as his son. Remus, on the other hand, took another week to get back to class.

James did not believe in his luck, he was eternally grateful for the unconditional support of his friends. Not even Lily's anger could lower him from his cloud of esteem for them. When his sweetheart had yelled at him, Wednesday afternoon in the garage, finally alone, it had completely taken him by surprise. He didn't expect her to be mad at him for what she insisted on referring as "a reckless and childish behavior" and "they could have killed you, look what they did to Rem!" He loved her even more for caring, nonetheless.

It wasn't until the following weeks, when the Capital Hero among the four of them had returned to school, that he began to notice the weird behaviors. Sirius went crazy the night of the concert, taking down as many Nazis as they got on him, and even Peter saved him from some silver flashes, kicking the crotches of some bald motherfuckers. But Remus fought with tooth and nail, _literally_.

James remembered the taller of his friends -the reserved one, the one who shyly read on the bench while he and Sirius were being all macho on the football field- transforming into a bloodthirsty animal, capable of beating the shit up to unconsciousness the men who dared trying to hurt him and the others. And for that, he ended with a severe injury that kept him in bed for at least twelve days.

The second week he didn't notice anything weird. They all tried to cooperate, to make life easier for him, making sure Remus didn't get exhausted with his own movements, or carried heavy weights. The weeks after that, however… Yes, that was… All right, James was scared. He knew something was up, Lily had suspected something funny going on, some time ago, but he didn’t expect… Well, _this_.

His best friends were stick together all the fucking hours of the day. For starters, Sirius carried Remus' books from his locker to their classrooms, and after a couple of days, Remus stopped complaining. Sirius wouldn't even let him carry a backpack on his back, he sat next to him in every fucking class, he _constantly_ asked him if he needed anything, if he was okay, if he was hungry, cold, hot... For God's sake, what the hell was going on?

James would have understood that they had a one time thing or _something like that_. They were both attractive men attracted to men. After all, he had seen them look at each other the previous weeks (What the hell, _weeks_? Those two had been flirting for _months_ in front of his dumb face and Lily had had to say it to open his eyes!). But James didn’t witness any of that prior behavior. No eye-fucking, no cheeky smiles, not inappropriate touching under the desk (that he knew of, and god help him, he _was_ paying attention).

It was plain fucking concern, caring. Tenderness. Sirius _…_ Sirius was being tender. _SIRIUS!_ For crying out loud!

James was scared.

And why? Because his two best friends seemed to have started something _beyond_ just a fling. And he didn't know how to react to it. Sirius acted like a gentleman would have acted towards a damsel in distress, while Remus looked so happy every time the other was around, taking care of his needs like his own personal nurse. For the love of God, he even carried his lunch tray for Remus!

And James knew his friends too well not to understand what it meant. Sirius was fire, action, attraction. Magnetism. There was none of that between them, not when he was around at least. Remus was reserved in his relationships, James remembered how things with Caradoc had been: Discreet, but ever obvious to his friends. Remus was soft, tended to sentimentality and fondness. OH GOD LORD. _Had they already acted on it?_ SHIT. _Erase this image from my mind, have mercy upon my innocent soul_.

And have mercy upon Remus. It was one thing for Sirius to be attracted to men too, wanting to experiment his sexuality, as had happened months ago on that horrible occasion James was never going to forget. But choosing Remus for it? Not cool. Remus was sensitive, James feared for his feelings.

Lily was still a bit pissed off at him and he hadn't dared sharing his concerns with her. But the situation eluded his understanding. Thursday afternoon, after a very hard football practice he insisted in having for the game that would take place in the last week of March, he was finally able to speak alone with Sirius.

His friend had come out of the shower in a hurry to get dressed before the rest of the team had time to poke their noses into his bruises and James followed him out the building in a blink.

“Man, we need to talk. You can't avoid the topic any longer. Not to me,” James blurted out.

Sirius glanced around the parking lot. “What are you talking about?” he chuckled nervously.

“Don't play dumb with me. I've seen what's going on, and I know you. Talk to me.”

“James… I can’t talk about it.” Sirius squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head. “Please, don’t ask me about it.”

“About _it_? Dude, I don’t wanna know about the details. I just want to make sure you know what you guys are doing.”

“Wait… What are you talking about?” Sirius frowned.

“Remus? Duh! What are _you_ talking about?”

“Nothing,” Sirius said quickly, breathing out. _Okay, weird?_ “Remus, okay. What about him?”

“This thing going on between you two. I don’t know how serious you are about him, but you can’t just…” James stood in front of him, placing a hand on his chest and looking straight in his grey eyes. “Dude he’s _Remus_ , for crying out loud!”

“You think I don’t know that?” Sirius looked visibly relieved for some reason. “And by the way, I’m always Sirius,” he smirked a laugh.

“He has a broken rib already. He doesn’t need his heart broken as well,” James said with a deadly voice.

“Jesus Christ, why do you always think the worst of me?” Sirius brushed past his hand.

“Because… I don’t understand what’s going on and I don’t want any of my friends getting hurt, okay?” James followed him to his motorbike. “Not you, not him. But especially not Remus. I’m sorry, but he’s had enough.”

“Again. Don’t you think I don’t know that?” Sirius picked up the helmet and focused his hands on the clasp. “Do you really believe I would be capable of… _Getting involve with him_ if I wasn’t sure?”

James was taken aback by the unexpected shyness in his voice. “A-Are you?”

“I mean… Yes?” Sirius smiled sheepishly.

“Do you…” _Did James dear saying the word_? “De you _love_ him? Like. Do you?”

“I dunno,” It was stunning how calmed Sirius spoke about it, shrugging. “I mean. He’s Remus. He’s my friend. I’ve always loved him, anyway.”

“But do you love him _like that_?”

“I don’t know! Maybe?” Sirius made a pause and bit his lip. “It’s weird. I’ve known him forever. How do you even know the difference?”

“Dude, there’s a difference. You should know.” James had trouble finding the right words. “You’re my brother and I love you but I would never… Jesus Christ.”

Sirius hummed. “Do you love Lily?”

“Yeah, of course I love her.”

“When did you knew? How did you knew it was love?” Sirius asked in a voice more curious than hesitant.

James smiled fondly just at the thought of her. “On our first date, when she finally agreed to go out with me and, she smiled at me... Or, I don’t know. First time I saw her, maybe.” He shrugged. “In a way, I always knew, I guess. I don’t know when or how, I just know I do.”

“Right,” Sirius nodded thoughtfully with a blank look.

“It doesn’t have to be the same though. I suppose is different since you are-”

“Guys?” Sirius interrupted him with a frown.

“I was gonna say friends, Sirius.”

“Right.” Sirius stared at his feet for an instant. “Anyway, I have to go.”

“Are you meeting him?”

“No, his father is home.”

“Dude, really? Is that all you wanna do? Even with a broken rib? Sirius!”

“Of course not! Not that is any of your business, but we’re kinda taking it slow.” And to his surprise, Sirius blushed noticeably. _Jesus fucking Christ!_ “It’s just that we don’t want our parents –nor anybody– knowing about it, and his father would find it weird if we spent too much time together.”

“Oh. Okay.” James stood puzzled, to say the least.

“I would appreciate it if you kept this to yourself. We haven’t told anyone.”

“Of course, yeah.”

Sirius nodded one more time and, to his surprise again, hugged James for way too long of a normal hug before putting on his helmet and starting the engine. _What the actual fuck was going on?_

* * *

Distant hammering. Muffled shouting. Broken glasses _. Not this again_.

He was tiptoeing up to his room, oblivious to everything happening around him. He was T _he Invisible Man_ , he who dwelt in the Noble and Most Ancient Mansion of Black. No one looked at him twice, no one tried to change him, because he was already what they expected him to be. It was his nightmare. It was his blessing. Until they came home that Monday night.

It happened a few weeks ago. He had locked himself in his room, all the lights off, hiding under the huge bed with carved ebony posts. It was silly, actually, but he remembered distant promises, whispered in dark rooms. He had thought he was past this, that he had forgotten about all of it. But his brother’s words had never left him, after so many years, like a token. He only did as he promised, and stayed silent for hours, pretending he didn’t know what was happening in the very next room.

Now, it was happening again. Only this time, Orion's object of rage was not his older brother. His door was bolted shut, and he heard music on the other side of the wall. He stood with his knuckles blank, whishing he could knock on the next door and... And what? _Feel safe_? His brother couldn't keep him safe. His brother couldn't keep _himself_ safe. It was a disappointment. He had failed _Him_.

He had promised Regulus that he would never have to endure his father's expectations, for that was his role as his elder brother and the heir. He had promised him that he would always be safe, as long as he kept his head down and was a quiet boy.

Regulus secretly spent ages six to nine sleeping under the bed, four days a week, at least. His parents never found out. His brother did. He let him climb into his bed with him when he couldn't sleep on the wet floor. And in the mornings, the staff never had told his mother about the mess he made. He suspected Sirius was the one cleaning after him, once he fell asleep. But he never mentioned it to him, he never made fun of him.

Now, his brother had broken his promise. Regulus believed he had never intended to fulfill his role, in the end. His brother, the stronger of the two of them. The first of his kind, the sports star. The dream boy for all the girls at school. The one who kept trophies of his conquests in a locked box, in the bottom drawer of his dresser.

Regulus envied every attention he received, every praise. He admired his high head, his willpower. He wished he could be as strong as him, be able to take the hits like he did, without a complaint. But his brother had promised that he would never have to, if he did what he had made him swear. Hide, be quiet. And wait.

And so he waited. But it wasn’t Sirius on the other side of the door when he opened it days ago. His father finally came looking for him, and Regulus did as he was told. Because he didn't know any other way.

Downstairs, now, the voices were getting louder. The music stopped playing on the other side of the wall, in between songs. Regulus dared to get out from under the bed and opened his door ajar, his heart in his throat, his ears strained.

“…all my life, all I ever tried…” It was his mother’s voice. “…can’t blame this on me…” She sounded beseeching.

“…a disgrace for this family, a shame...” His father's screams were followed by thumps, punctuating each word.

He heard his mother's complaints, not understanding her words. He would have felt sorry for her, had he not remembered the childhood she had put him through, making _a man of him_.

“…allow the stigma… to this house…” Orion Black's voice was fearsome, Regulus’ entire body was trembling. “…tolerate such deviant…” His eyelids trembled with each pun. His knees shaking. “…put an end to this, years…” He wanted to close the door, not hear them anymore. “…your blood is to blame!” He heard a terrible hit, louder than all the others. “You are corrupt… your niece's child is a monster…” Regulus's knees gave out and he almost fell, held only to the handle on the door. “…your son should never had…” He tried closing the door slowly, terrorized to make a single noise. “…kind of heir…”

Something crashed.

[The Boys Are Back In Town – Thin Lizzy](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=56b4TTT609c)

The music began again in the next room. Very high. _Guess who just got back today. Them wild-eyed boys that had been away._ Regulus sat with his back against the vibrating wall. He concentrated on breathing slowly, counting to six, letting the air out of his lungs. He heard knocks. This time, it didn’t scare him. _Haven't changed that much to say. But man, I still think them cats are crazy._

Regulus smiled sad, nodding silent along the tapping on the wall to the beat of Thin Lizzy. _They were askin' if you were around. How you was, where you could be found_. He forced himself to forget what he had heard. He didn't understand the words, but he understood the blows, the sobs. _Told 'em you were livin' downtown. Drivin' all the old men crazy._

He pressed his knees to his chest, swinging. His brother hit the wall hard, just in time to shout the chorus. _The boys are back in town. THE BOYS ARE BACK IN TOWN_. Regulus could hear his brother's voice screaming against the wall. It made him laugh. It made him cry. The hammering increased, as did the tears. He swallowed the lump in his throat, slamming back at their wall.

_The boys were back in town._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you enjoyed this left me kudos and comments and add this to your bookmarks to get to know the rest of the story!


	22. Sickening

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I haven't updated as much this week, it has been a bit of a crazy days. Between the elections and Destiel becoming canon after more than ten years shipping it? I think 2020 is now definitely done. God bless Misha Collins.
> 
> Anywaysssss, I almost forgot to mention that in this chapter I paid my humble tribute to the fic aqua_myosotis_scorpioides is writting (I'm so hooked, you should check it out if you havent) with certain "petname". In this context it means a complete different thing but still, hilarious.  
> The story is [The PB to my J](https://archiveofourown.org/works/26500039/chapters/64583164) and is greeeeeeeeeat!

They celebrated his best friend's birthday on the second Friday in March. His father had invited them to their house and had prepared his famous homemade apple pie with eighteen flickering candles. It had been a quiet evening shared by the few friends who had gathered in the Lupin’s living room, most already had left, but they still remained. Lyall went to bed early, claiming he had an early shift, but asked them to stay and be good for one night at the year. He kissed his son’s forehead before leaving the room and telling him “Good night, _cariad_.”

As soon as his father had left for bed, Remus leaned on Sirius' shoulder and Sirius kissed him on the lips wishing him a happy birthday, to the surprise of the minority of those present. Lily suspected Peter was one of the few who hadn't found out yet, judging by James' knowing smile. Though she didn't blame him for not entrusting it to her, she had done the same.

And for some reason Lily ignored, Sirius got a present from Remus that night, despite not being his birthday. It was a box of white mint chocolates. He decided to share it with their friends and she saw them looking at each other with love eyes as they acted coy around the others.

They ended up on some kind of double date that weekend, at Sirius’ invitation. Lily was distracted eating popcorn from the box on James' lap, but she could still hear the giggles by the right of their seats. She felt her cheeks burning hot when she heard the muffled sound of lips moving between them and tried to make more noise by chewing loudly.

By the time the movie was done, Remus was sporting healthy pink cheeks and a goofy smile. James and Sirius turned away from them and headed for a nearby fountain, ending up splashing water on each other in one of their childhood games. She rolled her eyes, couldn't believe she was really determined to move in with the toddler in front of her. He was filling his mouth with water to spit it out in retaliation against a grinning Sirius, running from side to side. However, next to her was Remus, smiling sheepishly at the sight of them.

After rubbing their French fries over their faces for a considerable period of the night, James and Sirius got into an argument over who was going to take care of the bill, neither wanting to take over but determined to make the other one pay. Lily rolled her eyes once again and asked Remus to leave discreetly before they could involve them. Remus paid the check at the till and they went outside unseen.

“I must admit,” Lili chuckled. “I did not expect to see you two snogging so heavily at the movies. It strikes me, I wasn’t expecting you to go that fast.”

Remus' cheeks flared, his eyes were widely open. “What? No! We are taking it slow. Like, for real, very fucking slowly.” He sighed. “And that’s all fine, I actually like it this way.”

Lily knew Remus too well not to hear what he was saying in his silences, and she waited patiently for her friend to find the words he needed.

“It scares me a little, if I can be honest with you,” he snorted.

“Of course you can!” Lily took his arm and gave him a reassuring squeeze. “But why? You're not exactly a virgin, so to speak,” she implied, making him blush even more. “And neither is Sirius, we all know that.”

Remus nudged her with his shoulder, yet smiling. “The truth is, we haven't really done anything else during the whole month we've been dating. _Nothing_. Just kisses and, well. You know.” His smile faltered. “I'm a scared that deep down he doesn't like me that much and is just waiting for my broken rib to seize up, to tell me this wasn’t what he expected, and put me out of my misery.”

“Don't be stupid, maybe he's waiting because he doesn't want to rush things, have you thought about that?” She admonished him with a frown. “Or maybe he’s still uncomfortable because of that disgusting guy, months ago.”

“Did you knew about that?” Remus turned his neck towards her.

“Oh shit. I assumed you knew by now. I wasn’t supposed to tell. Sorry.”

“Don’t worry, he said something before we even started dating. Something about a guy getting him all high and pressuring him… But he didn’t explain it then, and he never mentioned again, so I didn’t want to push him any further.” Remus seemed lost in his own thoughts. “I understood that if he had sex with Amber and Jade before we were together, that probably meant he was ready for sex.”

“Maybe is not that simple. You know, people often see him a certain way, buy Sirius is rather a complicated guy. You and I both know about it far too well.” Lily considered for a long second how to broach the subject. “Have you considered… Maybe he’s scared about being with a guy, and not with _just_ someone? Because of… _you know_.”

“But that doesn't make any sense!” Remus shook his head. “Sirius is pansexual, he doesn't care about anatomical variations whatsoever.”

“Are you kidding me right now? Do I have to spell it for you?” Lily let out an exhausted snort. “Anal sex is scary, I don’t care how pan or gay or _ugh_ you are. That shit can hurt, _Remusaur_.”

“Oh.” Remus raised his eyebrows, looking away and blushing violently.

“Yeah, _oh_.”

“Please, don’t use that name,” Remus pleaded her, gibbering.

To be honest, she also found the subject uncomfortable to talk, considering where they were and with whom. “Okay, this isn’t a conversation I want to have with you now. I'm not ready.”

Lily could sense his brain running full blast inside his skull. Remus had a look of concern on his face that broke her heart. She couldn't imagine what he was thinking about, but smoke was going to come out of his ears at any given moment.

“But don’t overthink it,” she said cheerfully, brushing away the embarrassment. “I’m sure he’ll be comfortable eventually. You have known each other forever! You are clearly the perfect match, I've been puking rainbows on the inside all afternoon.” Lily saw, out of the corner of her eye, the boys leaving the restaurant. “Stop brooding.”

James drove the car down the road back to Remus' house and Sirius got out with him, thanking them for the ride. Lily guessed that even though four weeks had passed since the concert, Sirius still wouldn't let Remus get on his bike just to prevent a sudden incident that could worsen his health. She even considered the possibility that that was the real reason they hadn't gone physical yet, and not the other _big_ thing, the _elephant_ on the room. It made sense, if she thought about it.

She leaned out of the window as James changed the radio station and caught sight of the tender image of a goodbye kiss on the sidewalk, under a glittering streetlight, clasped hands and closed eyes. She heard a coo sound and turned to found James grinning with a crooked head. James looked into her eyes fondly and she brought his hand to her lips to kiss his knuckles gently.

“Were we that cute when we started dating?” he asked leaning towards her.

“What are you talking about? I only agreed to date you half a year ago.” She closed the gap between them and pressed their lips in a long-awaited kiss. “And we will still look sickening cute when we’ve been dating twenty years.”

* * *

The forest was silent around him, only the rustle of fresh March leaves under his mountain boots distracted him from his reverie. The trees grew together, from thick old trunks, branches that rose a couple of feet above his head. He walked slowly behind the grim figure of his father, never losing sight of his back, clutching his shotgun with the heart bumping in his throat.

Regulus had feared this moment for weeks, after his brother had been dragged back by his father from the college interview. He was not a bad hunter, although he found no pleasure in killing animals for sport, as his father did. He had fulfilled his role the last time his father had taken him on a hunt with the prime minister's sons. But it wasn't about impressing anyone, for they were finally alone in the wilderness.

_Once again, that night he had been invisible. His mother was not present when they came home babbling, and had she been present, Regulus was sure she would not have raised his voice against what happened between them. Regulus remembered his father's angry voice booming in the early midnight._

_“…being a pussy, and dared to get beaten like a sissy, so you could embarrass me in front of my old colleagues…”_

_But his older brother did not beg, he did not negotiate, he was not like their mother. He didn’t take the screams, he stood up for himself. He yelled back. Something Regulus simply could never picture himself doing._

_“…I’ve always done whatever shit you’ve asked me to do! I prepared that goddamn interview, I had memorized a fucking speech, even after being in a hospital for twenty-four hours without sleeping! And you ruined it! It was your fau–”_

_Regulus heard a dry bang and the most horrifying sob he had never imagined. He felt the pain on his own skin crackle through his brother's voice, coming from the room next door._

_“HOW DARE YOU TALKING BACK TO ME IN MY HOUSE?! YOU’RE A DISGRACE! WIMP, WUSS! IF YOU COULD TAKE A BEATING TO EMBARRASS ME, YOU ARE GOING TO TAKE THIS NOW.”_

_Regulus had tried to erase the sounds of the fatal beating his brother had received that night from his head, but the crying on the other side of their wall was burned into his memory._

He snapped back to reality, trembling from anguish. He cursed himself for showing the littlest sign of weakness and went back to the task of finding something to kill. The same thing would never happen to him, they had promised to each other.

No long after that, Sirius was left alone for the first time in their lives, and Orion had taken a sudden interest in Regulus. He played his part, being the perfect son he knew how to be. Proud by the amount of praises he was getting, sad for the bitter glances his brother gave him lately, afraid of his mother silences.

His father had spotted a group of deer foraging in an open clearing, and he gestured for him to silently approach. Without a word, they both took up positions on the ground, protected by the thick logs, and Regulus readied the barrel of his shotgun with steady hands.

Regulus took aim at the tallest horned specimen, but his father redirected the shotgun barrel with his icy hand and Regulus shivered at the thought. His father noticed the weakness in his gaze and gave him a contemptuous look before roaring quietly.

“Your brother was never man enough to do what he had to do. Show me you're not just as worthless.”

And Regulus blanked his mind and looked out of focus.

Shooting.

That night in the cabin, his father taught him how to skin the little dead fawn. Regulus did his duty without wincing, slicing through the animal's flesh and splitting its entrails. By the time he had finished removing the intestines, his arms were stained with blood to just beyond the elbows.

The glass of whiskey they shared was mixed with the taste of bile in his throat, and Regulus smiled with a clenched jaw when his father told him that he was proud of his determination, and that they could still make him a man worthy of continuing the Black lineage.

It was not yet dawn when Regulus sneakily got up to step out into the frozen night. He ran in a straight line, gasping for breath, until he fell flat on the hard ground that skinned his knees. He clung to a small log to vomit quietly, afraid his father would hear his retching. He frantically tried to wipe the blood from his fingernails against the hard tree bark, and when the skin on his fingers began to bleed, he buried his hands in the dirt beneath him, sobbing uncontrollably.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know down in the comments what you think about the chapter and the new POV :D


	23. Sorry about that

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ya'll have been waiting for this shit, this is when the smut beggins. Kinda. IDK. Enjoy/Warning for sexual content?

March was coming to an end, it was late Friday morning, and Sirius had his heart hammering at his throat. It had been six long weeks and Remus was completely recovered, his father had discharged him and he was visibly relieved to go back to normal. What he wasn’t aware of was the extent to which his boyfriend was freaking out.

His birthday had come and gone without a chance for Sirius to show him a bit of how he felt about him when they were alone, and he got on his nerves and could had teared his own hair out in desperation.

But the perfect time had come now. His mother was in a stupid retreat that he did not care the least bit about, while his father and brother were enjoying the forest and the wild life. _Lovely_. However, for once he did not care about the implications that came with it and was glad to have the house for themselves.

Although, he didn't know how to bring it up.

Remus closed the locker next to him and rolled his eyes when Sirius tried to take the books from his hands out of habit.

“Don’t do that anymore, there’s no need,” Remus smiled vaguely at him. “People are going to think there’s something else between us.”

“And we don't want that. It's more fun sneaking in the handicapped toilet.” Sirius gave him a cheeky wink.

They went out of the building, on their way to the parking lot where their friends would be waiting for them.

“Speaking of being alone,” Sirius brought up casually. “My parents aren’t home, the housekeeper doesn’t come on weekends, and you haven’t seen my room in like ages.”

“Are you sure? We can come to my house. My father won’t blink an eye.”

“Yeah but, he’ll be there,” Sirius raised an eyebrow. “I mean, we don’t have to if you don’t want to. It’s just.” His hands got sweaty and he lowered his voice. “I wanted to be alone with you, now that I can… I mean, since you’re completely recovered and all.”

“Oh.” Remus seemed taken out of context.

“But then again, we don’t have to if you don’t want to, it’s cool. I can go to yours and we can watch a movie or whate–”

“No!” Remus cut him off. “Yes, let’s go to your house. When?”

“Tonight? I have all weekend, if you had other plans for tonight.”

“No, let’s do it tonight.” The tips of Remus' ears reddened furiously. “Let’s go to your house tonight,” he corrected the phrasing.

Sirius glanced around to see how, unfortunately, there were still people leaving the school. He moved a little closer to his boyfriend, without yet lying a hand on him.

“God, I wanna kiss you so bad right now,” he muttered.

Six weeks of this, and Remus still flinched whenever Sirius said that kind of things to him. Sirius got a volt of adrenaline right into his spine.

“Be good, and I'll let you kiss me tonight.” Remus blinked, looking into his eyes first, then briefly at his mouth.

Sirius bit his lip and leaned a few inches closer. “Define _'being good_ '?”

“Hey, lovebirds. Are you coming or what?” Peter honked his car horn.

“Sorry, Pete.” Remus took the helmet out of his backpack. “I’m off the hook, I’m taking the death machine.”

Peter rolled his eyes annoyed. “You could’ve told me earlier! Don’t be late, you too,” he said starting the car.

They had plans with Pete and the others, to chill at his house for the afternoon. Sirius got on the bike first and Remus took a second to press his chest against his back in the back seat. He put an arm across his torso and Sirius couldn’t help humming in response before starting the engine. This was already too much for him.

“You have no idea how much I have missed this.” He felt Remus' breath on the back of his neck.

He shivered and put a hand on his knee, without turning. “Be good, or you'll make us crash.”

* * *

It was true, Remus hadn't seen Sirius's room in a long time, but he didn't pay much attention to his surroundings either.

After six weeks, Remus still shuddered every time Sirius kissed him that way, slowly, yet so damn deeply. They were lying on their sides on the huge black wooden four-poster bed in the center of the room. Remus had to admit, there was something about being in that house, in that bed with Sirius, that made him horny just for the thrill of it.

He was trying to hold back the urge to lean into his face again and kiss him, but Sirius was acting weird tonight. His eyes were more black than gray, and he had broken their embrace a couple more times than usual with the excuse to catch his breath.

Remus let out a sigh and bit the corner of his mouth, looking away from the beauty in front of him, leaning on the feather pillow. He felt a hand, more delicate than his own, traveling against his chest to his neck and caress his jaw. He closed his eyes and a pair of wet lips pressed his neck, ever so softly.

He did not open his eyes, slowly moving his neck to give him better access to his skin, and to his surprise Sirius began to descend towards the collarbone, tugging the collar of his shirt aside. Remus felt him slip one leg over his waist and press against his body again, lips not meeting his mouth yet. A moan escaped him and Sirius stopped kissing his neck and parted from him.

“Sorry, did I crash you?” he asked glancing at their bodies, not pressing anymore.

Remus let out a desperate wail. “Of course not!” He dug his fingers into his silky black hair and drew him to his mouth, kissing him with all intention.

Sirius allowed himself to be carried away by the contact and pulled him closer, his fingertips clawing at his shoulders and back. Remus found his legs between Sirius', brushing his crotch with his thigh. He ran his hands down his back and let them reach his ass. He delighted in squeezing his arse, pulling him a little closer against his own crotch to feel both hard lengths brushing through their clothing.

Sirius moaned on his lips, making Remus cock twitch at the sweet sound. He pressed harder against Sirius, putting himself almost on top of the smaller boy. Sirius made another moaning noise and Remus couldn’t help it anymore. He broke the kiss and reached his neck, biting softly at the skin. He ran his hand around Sirius trouser and unbuttoned him. He lowered his clothes a few inches, not looking anywhere but at Sirius’ parted lips letting out shy pleasure noises.

Remus felt his own skin burning and embraced Sirius back, turning him over so they were both lying on their sides. Remus brought his hands into Sirius' back and inside his underwear, squeezing his skin, and he lowered more, cupping his cheeks with full hands.

Sirius pulled away once again, not for air, but to pull up his pants. Remus looked at him concerned.

“Hey, you all right?”

“Yeah, sorry.”

“No, hey, don’t apologize.” Remus pulled away to face him fully. “What is it?”

“Nothing.”

Sirius kissed him again and Remus held the contact just for a second, not to hurt his feelings.

“Sirius, it’s obviously something. But it’s fine.” Remus released his grip and sat up. “Let’s talk about it.”

“Hmmm” Sirius turned the face on the pillow.

“Tell me. Are you uncomfortable with me? Did I did something wrong?”

“No, you did nothing wrong.” Sirius rolled onto his back, hugging his chest with his hands. “I’m just not comfortable with… my back. My ass.”

“Okay?” Remus said puzzled. “I won’t touch it. I won’t even look at it. Sorry I did it.”

“No, no, don’t. Fuck!” Sirius covered his face with his hands.

“Hey, hey, hey! It’s fine.” Remus took his hand and looked at him bewildered. “Can you tell me what is it? Do you want to talk about it?”

Sirius sighed and bit down on his fist, before dropping it heavily onto the mattress. He took a moment, looking bothered.

“Remember, I told you once about that a guy that tried to force me, some time ago?” Sirius stared at the ceiling of the bed, frowning.

“Yes.” Remus flinched in shock. “Oh my god, did he–”

“No, it didn’t came close to that. But it was… _disturbing_.” Sirius leaned sideways, propped up on one elbow. “The thing is, I actually hate myself for what happened. Because it was partially my fault.”

“Don’t say that, of course it wasn’t!”

“You don’t know that, you weren’t there.” Sirius stifled a bitter laugh. “Well, actually you were, but, you didn’t know.”

“What?”

“It was months ago, December. Tonks, James and I went to a club. I think you were there with Lily, you saw them.”

“Yeah, I remember.” Remus frowned trying to remember the details of that night. “You were there that night? Why didn't you ever tell me?”

“That’s… not important anymore,” Sirius said quickly. “I was with this guy, just dancing, I didn’t have too much to drink, or so I thought. And then we were kissing, you can imagine. It felt weird, like out of it, but at the same time… I was just so hot.” He stared at his hands. “And then we were somewhere else, and he was kissing me and touching me all over and… I just remember that I was super horny, like, I’ve never been like that before, but at the same time I wasn’t really there. And I couldn’t remember his name.” He raised his eyes making a puzzled face. “I kept asking him, but…” He shook his head. “And then all of a sudden I didn’t like it anymore and I wanted to stop. But.” Remus watched him bit his lips with a frown. “He touched me in a way I didn’t wanted, and I asked him to stop, but he didn’t hear me and he turned me around and pulled my clothes down.” Sirius closed his eyes, looking tired. “I guess he must have poked me, because it started to burn, and hurt.”

“Oh my god, Sirius. I’m so sorry.” Remus covered his mouth, horrified.

“It wasn’t your fault, don’t apologize.” Sirius waved his hand. “Nothing else happened, I ran away and found somebody. Some of Tonks’ friends, actually. Very random, Amber and Jade were there. They were the ones who helped me find James. They seemed to think I was drugged by how I was acting, and it adds up. Makes me feel better about the whole thing.”

“And they never found the guy? So he’s just _free_ , drugging people and trying to rape them?” Remus felt a surge of anger growing inside him.

“He didn’t rape me, Remus,” Sirius said sternly. “And at first, I was enjoying it. So, in a way, I feel like I brought that to myself.”

“No.” Remus cupped his face to look into his eyes. “Don’t say that.” He released his face quickly, worried for touching him too soon. “Listen, I will never touch you again if you don’t ask me to, I promise.”

“But I don’t want that!” Sirius complained loudly. “I’ve never told you, because I don’t want you to treat me any different. I’m fine about it, it’s been four months and I’ve practically forgotten about it.” He paused to prop himself up on the bed more comfortably. “I was with James, he didn’t left me alone that night, and I really appreciated him. But I had to ask him to stop bugging me, eventually, because after that he was constantly asking me how I felt and, honestly? It wasn’t the best experience of my life. But it was over in a blink and I don’t want to think about it anymore than necessary. I don’t feel like a victim.” Sirius talked very calmly about the subject.

“I’m still sorry.” Remus pushed against the mattress with his fist. “Fuck, I swear I’ll kill him if I ever met him.”

“Stop, don’t be that guy,” Sirius chuckled amused.

“All right.” Remus looked at him in admiration and bit his lip. “Can I… is it okay if I kiss you?”

“One condition.” Sirius grinned at him from ear to ear. “Don’t ask me that again.”

Remus leaned down and kissed him tenderly, cupping his face with both hands.

“So you don’t want me to touch your ass, that’s completely fine. I mean, is not like you have a beautiful perfect back and I can’t stop looking at it every time I’m behind you or anything.” Remus brushed a lock of black hair from his face and kissed his lips again. “But I can manage. I can wait until you’re ready. Or never, that’s totally fine, too. There’s other beautiful things about you, besides your perfect butt.”

“Thank you.” Sirius chuckled softly, looking into his eyes. “It really bugs me, to be honest.”

“What does?”

“‘Cause you’re right, I like my ass, _and_ the sex. It kinda jinxed it a bit.”

“I’m lost here.” Remus blinked puzzled. “I thought you’ve never been with guys before?”

“Yeah, so? That’s where the prostate is...” Sirius gave him a suggestive look. “You should know this, Remus.”

“But… so you’ve done… _that_ , with girls?” Remus felt throbbing in his chest.

“Not _that_ , exactly. But yeah, sometimes alone, too.” Sirius blushed between smiles. “Don’t look at me like that.”

“Sorry, is just… The mental image of you, fingering yourself, is…” Remus closed his eyes and shook his head to push the thought out of his mind.

“Is what?” Sirius asked in a deep low voice.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be thinking about that, when you just told me you’re not comfortable.”

“Oh for fucks sake! That’s exactly why I didn’t tell you. Don’t fucking treat me any different now. Especially not tonight.”

“What’s that supposed to mean? Especially not tonight?”

“Isn’t it obvious?” Sirius leaned closer to his mouth. “Six weeks,” he kissed his lips. “Waiting for your rib cage to heal,” he kissed his neck. “So I could touch you,” he kissed his collarbone. “Without you fainting.” He opened his mouth and licked his skin. “Although, I can't really make _that promise_.”

Remus breathed heavily. “Are you sure you want to?”

“Are you a fan of _constant_ explicit consent?” Sirius climbed on top of him and kissed him passionately. “Do you need me to ask you every time I kiss you in a new spot?” He put his hands under Remus’ shirt and kissed his neck. “Or does it just make you horny when I talk to you about it?” he rasped in his ear.

Remus felt the blood rush to his crotch. “You’re an asshole.”

“Yeah, I can eat you asshole if you want.” he licked his earlobe. “Do you want that?”

“No. Shut up,” Remus groaned unintentionally.

Sirius bit down hard on his neck before running his tongue over the mark he had left. “I’ll shut up, once you tell me what you want me to do next.”

“I’ve told you.” Remus grabbed his hair to pull his face close in an eager kiss. “Stop. Talking.”

Sirius pulled back an inch. “Ask it,” he whispered in his mouth.

Remus dug his fingers into the mop of hair and looked into his eyes breathless. “Blow me.”

He saw a flash of desire at Sirius' eyes and his parted lips. “Yes, _sir_.”

Sirius latched onto his neck, kissing him urgently as he moved down his chest. Remus pulled away to remove his shirt and Sirius did not waste a second, nipping his nipple with his lips. He deftly undid his pants and Remus lifted his hips to pull his clothes down to his knee. Sirius stood still for a second in front of his nakedness and Remus deduced what he was thinking.

“Yeah, sorry about that,” Remus chuckled nervously, looking away from his widen gaze.

“Shit. Fuck, that’s…” Sirius sounded faltering.

“You don’t have to–Ahhh”

Remus lowered his gaze again and watched in wonder as Sirius shoved half his cock into his mouth, looking him straight in the eye. He caught the shaft with one hand, beating slowly, and let the head escape his lips with a 'pop' sound.

“Let me know what you like the most,” Sirius said in a raspy voice

Sirius licked his length to the tip, catching it between his lips again and moving his tongue playfully around Remus' most sensitive part. He didn’t break eye contact as he pulled his cock deeply inside his mouth, tilting his head a bit. Remus reached for his hair to keep it away from his face and Sirius made a humming sound. The guttural sound sent vibrations that made Remus groan loudly.

Sirius took his cock out of his mouth again and jerked him quicker. “Sorry, what did you say? Didn’t catch that last part.”

“Oh my fuck, just su–FUuuck!”

Sirius sucked him harder this time, and grabbed the hand that Remus had on his hair to tighten the grip. Remus tugged on his hair to check his reaction and Sirius moaned muffled, sending another whirl of pleasure through Remus’ cock. Remus knew this was the first time Sirius did something like this with a man, but he didn’t seem afraid doing it. He bounced his head up and down, letting drips of saliva and pre-cum scape his lips so he could damp with his hands the rest of the cock that didn’t fit his mouth.

Remus watched mesmerize as Sirius tried to take him further inside, cheating with his hands on the shaft of his cock. He wasn’t going to achieve that, Remus was sure. But watching him try turned him on, so _fucking_ much. He pulled his hair tighter when he felt the pressure building the storm of pleasure.

“D–don’t stop thaa–haat,” Remus stuttered. “Oh my god, keep g–going,” he said in between whimpers.

Sirius did, for once, exactly as he was told, and kept sucking him hard and fast. Remus felt the need for more and pushed his head a bit, rocking his hips. Sirius looked back at him with dark eyes and made a noise in agreement that made Remus shiver and clench his fist around his black locks. He let out a guttural whimper and closed his eyes tightly, unable to watch the lustful scene any longer without ending it in a second.

“I’m about t–to,” Remus whined loudly. “S–Sirius you can pull, I’m gona–AAHHH”

The orgasm came with his cock buried in Sirius' throat. He choked, and Remus could saw wet glints at the end of his eyes as he gagged, still sucking him hard, until he left him completely shattered and pleased.

Sirius wiped the remains of cum from his face with the back of his hand and climbed to the top of the bed, to find a whimpering Remus, still out of himself after the hardest orgasm he had ever had. Remus was being kissed by his dexterous lips, tasting his own bitter taste with blissful satisfaction, when a dull sound sounded from across the room.

They both squirmed in bed in a quick urge to cover Remus' completely naked body, but it was too late.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At least he finished? lol ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯


	24. Dazzling creature

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning ⚠️ a lot of marijuana is being smoked in this chapter. Like, imagine your best high ever, now multiply it for how extra Sirius can be, and that's how much stoned they are right now.

Sirius did not think twice, running to get out of bed he tripped on the clothes on the floor and fell in his race to get to the door, which was slammed shut on his face. He opened the door and ran down the hall, shaking with fear.

“Please, talk to me, Regulus!” He pounded on the adjoining door in desperation.

Silence. Panic invaded all his senses. His brother had seen him in bed on top of a naked man, his face stained with fresh cum. Sirius was screwed. He frantically wiped his mouth trying to erase all evidence and knocked on his little brother's door again.

“Please Regulus, open the door so we can talk about what you saw, please!” he begged.

He heard footsteps approaching the other side of the door and a metallic noise, but his brother did not open the door. Sirius was trembling with fear and did not dare to touch the doorknob without being invited inside.

He tried to sound amused and play it cool. “I don’t know what you think you saw, but there’s a simple explana–”

“I know exactly what that was,” his brother sounded distant, hurt. Disgusted.

Sirius held back the tears and tried to speak beyond the pain. “Please, let me explain–”

“I can’t believe this!” Regulus shouted. “You were supposed to be a role model, give me a good example!”

Sirius bit back a cry. “Regulus, we are just different. But that doesn't mean that I love you any less, or one of us is better than the oth–”

“What kind of elder brother are you?” He heard accusation emanating from his little brother's scream.

“I’m sorry, Regulus.” Sirius fell to his knees, sobbing quietly.

“What do you think father and mother are going to say about it?”

His heartbeat sped up in fear, and he pressed his hands against the door in an attempt to get to him.

“Please don’t tell our parents,” Sirius begged sobbing. “They won’t understand, they’ll kick me out. They’ll kill me, Regulus!”

He heard no sounds besides his own pitiful crying, no response from the other side of the door.

“I’ll do anything, please,” he kept imploring, only whispering the last words. “Reggie, don’t do this to me.”

The door opened slowly in front of him and he looked up to find his brother scowling at him from above. He saw the boy in front of him and his heart sank to see the disappointment in his eyes, mixed with _nostalgia_? He remembered, he hadn't called him Reggie since they were eight and ten years old.

“Get up,” Remus looked away, embarrassed.

Sirius got up awkwardly, suddenly aware of how shabby he must have looked, lying on the ground howling and pleading like a baby. Regulus opened the door wider and stepped aside, making room for him to enter.

“I’m not going to tell them, stop whining.” Regulus' eyes still weren't meeting his face.

“Thank you.”

Sirius walked a few steps into his brother's room, so parallel to his own and yet completely different. Tidy, neat. Black. His calm lasted less than a minute when he understood that Regulus being there meant his father coming back as well.

“Why did you came back early? Is father here?” he asked, panic dripping from his words.

“No, don’t worry about him. I made an excuse, came early.”

“Why? Did something happen?” Sirius studied the reaction on his brother's face. “Are you okay, Regulus?”

Regulus turned his back on him and walked to the end of his bed, sitting on the edge. “Yeah no, nothing happened. I just want to get that image out of my brain, that’s all.”

“Well, to be fair, you should have knocked.” Sirius joined him, seating cautiously.

“Was he that friend of you, Lupin? The one whose father is a nurse, dead mother.”

“Yes…” Sirius closed his eyes at the tactlessness with which he chose his words. “We’re more than friends now, Reggie.”

“Shit. Were you having sex?” Regulus shook his head with a frown of disgust. “Why were you clothed and not him?”

“I’m not sure you want an answer to that, Reg,” Sirius chuckled nervously.

“Jesus Christ!” Regulus cursed under his breath. “I don’t get it, you could be with any girl you wanted! You’ve been with girls before! Why him?”

“I don’t know, I like him that way!” Sirius met his gaze, saddened. “Is that so bad?”

“I don’t know. I just don’t know, Siri. It’s just weird.”

“Our parents are distant cousins, don't fuck with me now about weirdness,” he said rolling his eyes.

“Maybe that's why we are so deranged,” Regulus laughed sarcastically.

Sirius let the soothing sensation of his little brother’s laugh settle in his chest. “Can I ask you to keep this a secret between us, then? Please?”

“Yeah, of course. I won’t tell them,” Regulus got up and looked at him. “Just be careful.”

“Thank you, brother.” Sirius got up in a blink and pulled him in a hug.

“And it’s cool if you want him to stay,” Regulus said when they broke the contact. “I’ll be downstairs, by the way, I just… don’t want to hear weird noises. I don’t get it yet, but whatever. Just lock the door.”

“Well, just knock next time!” Sirius suddenly remembered that he did not know his brother's reason for seeking him. “Why did you came to my room in the first place?”

“Doesn’t matter. I forgot.” Regulus waved off and led the way out of his room.

Sirius saw his brother coming down the stairs on his way to the library and breathed deeply in relief. Then he remembered that he had left Remus on his bed completely naked, without even turning to say anything when he stormed out in a fit of fear, and returned to his bedroom a little worried about him.

Remus was fully dressed again and standing near the window, with an apprehensive face. He ran up to him when Sirius closed the door, his silent eyes searched for answers.

“He’s cool. Sorry for leaving you like that.” Sirius walked over to Remus and took his hands.

“I heard you cry, are you okay?” Remus’ eyes were widely looking at him.

“I kind of lost it. I panicked, but he promised. He won’t tell them.”

“That’s good,” he asserted, nodding. “Maybe I should go home, I don’t want to give you more troubles and your brother is here.”

“You can stay here, he said he’s cool with it. Really.” Sirius let go of his hands when he saw the uncertain face. “If you want to stay, that is.”

“Are you sure?” Remus glanced at the door. He seemed more concerned than uncomfortable.

Sirius cupped his face, feeling his arms settled on his waist and pressed his forehead against him. “Stay, please,” he whispered.

* * *

Remus had stayed upstairs the entire time, out of fear of running into Sirius’ brother and dying of shame. Only when Sirius insisted that he at least changed into his pajamas did he dare going to the bathroom and emptying his bladder forthe first time in hours. Remus was wearing a very soft black suit pajamas. It was quite elegant, buttoned up to the sternum.

Sirius had opened the window so that the smell of pot did not linger inside the house, and when they felt fairly high and funny, he went down to the kitchen to get supplies. They were lying on the bed in comfortable positions. Sirius was still wearing his sweat pants, leaning against the headboard, his legs on Remus legs’ back. He was eating Chinese leftovers, lying face down with his elbows on the bed.

They were high enough to giggle pointlessly from time to time. Sirius had finished his soy noodles long ago and was now rolling another joint. Remus still had work to do with what he believed was his third spring roll. He dropped his chopsticks as an orange shadow appeared in the window. The animal leaped into the room as if he owned it and trotted up onto the bed, climbing onto Sirius' tattooed chest.

“What the fuck is that?” Remus shifted on the bed to get away from the critter.

“Oh, yeah, you haven’t met yet,” Sirius said cheerfully, as if he didn't have a beast perched on his chest with daggers for claws. “Cat, this is Moony. Moony, this is the cat.”

“Didn’t know you had a cat.”

“Don’t be ridiculous!” he stroked _the being_ between the ears and _it_ allowed Sirius to dominate him like a kitten. “I don’t _have_ a cat. You can’t _own_ a cat, Rem! They just appeared here one day and I feed them sometimes. My family doesn’t know.” He lowered his voice, widening his eyes in fear. “Don’t tell them!” he whispered to Remus.

“They? How many are they?” Remus approached them, still fussy.

“Ugh, no, just this cutie. I just don’t know their gender so I don’t assume.”

“You could just watch between his legs or something.” Remus twisted his head, looking under the animal's tail. He only saw a bunch of orange hair between bent legs.

“Yeah, no thanks. Don’t wanna go around poking cat’s genitalia. Nope. Not my thing.” Sirius stretched his arms on the bed and the cat jumped from his chest onto his lap. “Besides, genitalia isn’t gender, Rem. I can’t exactly ask them, can I?”

“Is it really a cat, though? Looks more like a small tiger. Why is their face like that? Looks like if he had run headlong into a brick wall.” It seemed like if the cat had understood what Remus had said, turning to look at him and growled angrily. “Woah, sorry?”

“Leave them alone.” Sirius scooped the beast up and dropped him to the ground. “They’ll be on their way after eating some. Here, baby babe.” He took a spring roll and threw it on the floor.

“Hey! I was gonna eat that!” Remus whined.

“You’ve eaten like six already, and there’s more in the kitchen. Jeez, you are so greedy. So guzzler.” Sirius poked his belly with a dearly grin.

“Are you calling me fat?” Remus pretended to be offended.

“Erm… No?” Sirius threw both arms around his waist. “I’d like you fatter, I’d like you thinner. Don’t really care too much.” He shoved his fingers under his shirt and planted a couple of loud kisses on his cheek. “You’re purrrrfect.”

“Stop, you’re tickling me!” Remus scrambled and lay on his back, with his head off the mattress.

“Sorry,” Sirius giggled. He raised his hand with the joint and brought it to Remus lips. “Want some more?”

Remus smoked from Sirius' fingers for a long time. It was a nice feeling. _Comfortable_. Being there, just being. It reminded Remus of the December nights they had spent on the hill, curled up in woolen blankets, talking about everything and nothing, bathed by the moonlight. This felt about the same, but it was better.

Remus watched him light another joint on the top of the bed and crawled to his side, pulling it out of his hand. Sirius didn't complain too much, giggling as Remus brushed his fingers. He straddled him, one leg on each side of him, and took a long puff of smoke on his lungs. Sirius smiled and opened his mouth, showing him his tongue playfully. Remus leaned closer and let the smoke go into Sirius' mouth, without actually touching his lips. Sirius breathed in, giggled again, licked Remus’ lips in front of him, and dropped down again, completely relaxed.

Yeah, this felt so much better. Almost too much. Remus had feared for weeks that it was too good to be true. If he hadn't been so high, he wouldn't have opened his mouth in the first place. But he was stoned, after all.

“Are you seeing other people?” It slipped away without thinking.

“Not at this moment,” Sirius said, thinking for a long time. “I mean, I saw my brother, like before, when I went downstairs to get us food. Like, he’s not invisible.”

“But, do you want to be with me? Together?”

“Yeah,” Sirius chuckled out, petting Remus curly hair.

“But, are we together as boyfriends?”

“Well, duh,” he snorted.

“Just duh? That’s your answer.” Remus tilted his head to face him.

“I mean.” Sirius flopped down on the mattress calmly. “If we’re not, then I’ll have to go downstairs and tell my brother otherwise, because I kinda told him that,” he slurred the words in between giggles. “Shit. That’d be disappointing.”

“Are you serious, or joking?”

“We’ve already stablished that I’m always Sirius,” he said, poking his cheek with a funny grin. “You’re really high, Moony.”

Sirius laughed for a while longer, playing with Remus' hair, but Remus felt some kind of discomfort in his belly and wasn’t having much fun. Sirius must have noticed, because he stopped laughing and grabbed his chin to turn his head.

“Wait. Were you asking seriously? As in, legit, asking?”

“Well, I mean, you are you, I know how you are and, I don’t know,” Remus tried to explain.

“So, for the past six weeks, I’ve been thinking about you as _my boyfriend_ , while you just, thought ‘bout me as, _your buddy_?” Sirius blinked in disbelief.

“To be fair, we never had the conversation,” Remus said lightly.

“ _What_ conversation.”

“The one when we talk about what we want?”

“I’ve known you like forever, Moony. I know what you want,” Sirius said with absolute certainty in his voice.

“No you don’t! And by the same logic I know you too, and I’m just saying, if you wanna see other people–”

“Can’t really stop seeing other people, would have to pop my eyes out my face or something.”

“What I mean is–”

“Yeah, no, I know what you mean and that’s bullshit,” Sirius cut him off unceremoniously.

“What?”

“You don’t want me to see other people.” Sirius spoke more composedly suddenly. “I know you’re possessive, and needy, and sometimes greedy. And clingy, and affectionate, although you never show it in public and you think I don’t notice. And I want _all of that_ , ‘cause I like you, not despite that, but because you’re you and that’s how you are so, I want _all of that_. What I don’t get is why you would even tell me that is okay for me to see other people when you clearly don’t want me to, since we’re together.”

“Because I know how you are, and I know that open relationships are your thing and I don't want to restraint you.”

“So, you’d be willingly in an open relationship again, even if that meant you suffering?”

“Yes, I don’t want you to hate me.”

Sirius was silent for a long time, staring at the ceiling of the bed. “I already hate you right now.”

“Why?” Remus asked hurt.

“Because you’re my best friend and I love you and I would hate to see you hurting, and I would hate it if someone would hurt you.” Sirius turned to look at him again. “And right now you’re just saying that you want to hurt yourself, that’s what I’m hearing. I’m having none of that.”

They had been friends for years, Remus and he had said _I love you_ to each other hundreds of times in the past. He knew he meant it totally like _you are my best friend and I love you_ , but even so, he felt troubled for wishing he would tell him in another way. He cast off the thought for the time being and went back to reality, nodding at Sirius.

“Yeah. You don’t hurt my best friend /slash/ boyfriend, or I’ll beat you up, that’s the deal with me.” Sirius looked at him dubiously for a second, leaned in to kiss him a little too harshly, and pulled away with a frown. “And you rib just healed, so, I would be careful if I were you.”

Remus came over to hug him and Sirius kissed him harshly again, as if to prove what he had just said. Remus indulged and returned him the kiss, tilting his head. They did that for a while until they had to stop for air and Sirius inevitably felt into giggles again.

“Does that mean that I’m your boyfriend and your best friend at the same time?” Remus asked, dangling from Sirius' neck.

“Well, James’ my best friend, but more kinda like my brother.” Sirius seemed to be putting all his brain cells to work on this issue. It would collapse at any minute. “You’re always been my best friend, actually. But now you’re my boyfriend too so, maybe? I don’t know, I’ve always thought your partner should be your best friend.”

“It’s kinda convenient, what we’re doing. Isn’t it? Like, I don’t need to get to know you to see if we’re compatible. And we won’t overtake each other with unexpected surprises.”

“Your massive cock was kinda like an _unexpected surprises_ , to be completely honest,” Sirius said thoughtfully.

“Sorry, I’m a grower,” Remus snorted.

“Not complaining...” Sirius moved closer to his neck and slowly kissed his skin.

He moved back into a position very similar to the former one, Remus sitting on Sirius' lap, this one hugging his waist to draw him closer. It felt just nice how close they wanted to be with each other constantly, kissing or touching, even if not for sexual purposes.

“All right.” Remus grinned widely. “I like this. Us, like this.” He kissed him in the lips when Sirius moved from his neck. “But I’m not greedy. And you’re more affectionate than I am.”

“Yeah, but I don’t hide it,” Sirius said, raising his eyebrows and smiling. “Maybe Pete should be my best bud, now that you’re my boyfriend.”

“What?”

“Yeah. That way I’ll have a bro from another mo, a best bud, and best of all, a _boyfriend_.” Sirius leaned to kiss the tip of his nose. “It’s kinda great.”

“No!” Remus grunted. “You can’t replace me, I am your best friend! Fuck you, I’ll break up with you if I can’t keep being your best friend.”

“See? Told you. Greedy. _Possessive_.” Sirius kissed both of his cheeks, giggling.

“Sorry about that.” Remus buried his head between Sirius' neck and shoulder.

“Don’t be. I accept you. I like everything about you.”

“Everything?” Remus raised his head to look at his face.

“Every. Little. Thing.” Sirius kissed tenderly the tip of his nose after each word.

“I like everything about you too, you know.” Remus fished his lips, nibbling at them. “Even this pajamas you’re letting me borrow. Sorry you don’t have another one to wear.”

“As a matter of fact, I never use that.”

“Really? You always sleep naked?”

“Uh, not really?”

“What do you wear then?”

“My pajamas...” Sirius' neck skin turned red.

“Why aren’t you wearing it now?”

“Because it's a bit too… I don't know if you want to see it,” he said in a low voice.

“Show me, please,” Remus asked him, but he seemed suddenly ashamed. “Sirius, either you wear your pajamas now or I would leave so you can be comfortable in your own fucking room.”

“All right. But… don’t be weird about it.”

Remus pulled himself off his lap for Sirius to get off the bed. He walked over to open a dresser drawer and pulled out a black box, which he unlocked with a key he kept hidden in his phone case, along with a folded piece of paper.

“Oh wow, what is that?” Remus asked pointing to the box as Sirius took out the blue clothes.

“Oh, I keep my things in that box, so my parents or anyone don’t snoop about it.”

Remus tried not to blatantly watch as Sirius changed his clothes, knowing that Sirius was a bit embarrassed and flushed. But he couldn't help seeing the silk underwear that he was wearing again, and how it barely covered the half-hard cock he was sporting after having Remus in his lap for so long, snogging him. Fortunately Sirius pulled up his blue shorts in time before Remus went crazy. The tank top showed off his brawny shoulders and his collarbone, but above all, it was so fine that Sirius' hard nipples were too noticeable for Remus’ own good.

“Wow.” Remus cleared his throat. “Is it all right for me to say that it looks darn sexy on you? In a completely non weird sense, of course.”

“It’s all right, yeah,” Sirius smiled shyly, approaching the bed and sitting next to him again.

Remus poked inside the box, bewildered. “And what is _this_?”

“Nothing.” Sirius closed the box quickly and tucked it under the bed, but Remus had already seen it.

“Oh. So, you really do like anal, don’t ya?” he teased him.

“No, I’ve never really used it.” Sirius blushed heartily, making Remus want to die. “I just have it out of curiosity, that’s all.”

“I’ve never used a plug either. Never really bottomed, actually,” he confessed.

“Really? Never? I thought you would have, or at least, tried.”

“No, not really. Not with anyone before,” Remus said, carefully not to screw up.

“Oh. Okay, that’s fine.” For some reason, Sirius didn't seem any calmer now that he had that in common with Remus. Rather the complete opposite.

“Sirius, you don’t have to worry about that.”

“But I do, you’re… A _top_ , and I can’t give you that right now, and–”

“I don’t need you to do anything. No, _I don’t want you to_.” Remus cupped his face tenderly with both hands. “This is maybe a conversation for another time. We don’t need to worry about it.” He placed a shy kiss at the edge of his mouth. “We’re high, and I’m not in a hurry to do anything else.”

“But, I want to be with you. Properly.” Sirius closed his eyes embarrassed.

“We are already properly together, I don’t need you to do anything else.” Remus lowered his arms to his waist and hugged him. “Come here.” Sirius lay down beside him, both on their sides. “There’s plenty of other things we should do before even worrying about tops and bottoms. That’s just… _phrasing_.” Remus gently brushed a lock behind his ear to keep it from falling at his eyes. “You’re actually really cute when you get shy about sex, did you know that?”

“Shut up.” Sirius blushed gracefully, looking away with bright eyes.

“Yeah, you do.” Remus brushed his cheek gently to look into his eyes. “I still don't believe you don't mind settling with me,” he said half whispering. “You are so beautiful, Sirius. Really fucking beautiful.”

“You’ll say that to all your _boyfriends_ ,” Sirius said sheepishly.

“No, hey. I mean it.” He kissed him chastely. “Sometimes I can’t even think words when you’re close.”

“You turn me on a lot, too.”

“C’mon. I’m not just talking about sex, you know. I really like you, Sirius.”

“Thanks.” Sirius led out a sigh, locking their gazes. “I really like you too, Moony.”

“But you wonder me. In a moment you are fire, rage, a strong gorgeous man. Pure sex and desire. And a second later you are this… dazzling creature, capable of leave me speechless with your gracefulness. Seriously, sometimes I'm afraid to touch you. You're… too delicate, too precious. Like an angel…” Remus saw a damp gleam at the corner of Sirius' eye and leaned in to kiss it. “So… ethereal.” He stroked his cheek gently, brushing their noses together. “But at the same time, tangible. Touchable.”

Sirius lowered his gaze nervously and muttered. “Then… _touch me_.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know if you have noticed this small tiny little detail, but the folded piece of paper Sirius keeps in his phone case is the note Remus wrote to him with his present months ago. Yeah, he's that cheesy 🧀 💘

**Author's Note:**

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